A. Dear Marilyn, I can understand you feeling rejected. Your husband has difficulty with intimacy. This is not a sexual problem. It is one of closeness and attachment that probably stems from the kind of attachment he had to his mother and father.

Each one of us has a comfort zone regarding closeness to other people.  That includes a spouse and even children.

Have a dialogue with your husband. Sometimes, bringing the issue out into the open can clear a pathway toward warmer closeness and intimacy.

Here are five reasons why cuddling is good for couples. If after talking with your husband things don’t improve, reach out to a qualified couples therapist to determine if individual or couples therapy is indicated.

• Reason 1: It Feels Good

Cuddling releases oxytocin, which is also known as the feel-good hormone. It increases overall happy feeling.

Cuddling can also release endorphins, which is the chemical released after a good workout or when you eat chocolate which contributes to that great feeling.

• Reason 2: It Makes You Feel Sexy

The most obvious benefit to cuddling is getting close to your partner in the physical sense. There is also the release of dopamine, which is an excitatory hormone that increases sexual desire.

• Reason 3: It Reduces Stress and Blood Pressure

Hugging, kissing, or more physical acts of touch increases oxytocin levels, which is a “bonding”’ hormone—this chemical reaction can help reduce blood pressure, which in turn reduces the risk of heart disease, but it can also help to reduce stress and anxiety.

• Reason 4: It Bonds Women with Babies and Partners

Cuddling is healthy for people because of the obvious factor of emotional attachment.

Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that is closely linked to childbirth and breastfeeding, and a recent study shows it has a biological role in bonding between mother and baby.

The study, led by Lane Strathearn, an assistant professor of pediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine, shows that women raised with insecure attachment themselves are more likely to have difficulty forming secure attachments with their children (and partners).”

It’s healthy to want to be close. Too little or too much is not good. Observe and explore your own personal comfort zone. You will be a better communicator with your partner on how much feels good and when it gets too close for comfort.  Your goal is to find a balance between your comfort zone and needs along with your partner’s.

• Reason 5: It Helps You Communicate Better

Most people want to feel understood, and communication is the vehicle by which they transmit understanding and empathy. Non-verbal communication can be a powerful way to say to your partner, “I get you.” Cuddling is a way of saying, “I know how you feel.” It allows us to feel known by our partner in ways that words can’t convey.

The Beverly Hills Courier, May 10, 2013

This is hurtful because no child wants to be with their grandparents all the time.

• “If you really want a relationship with your grandchildren go to their Facebook page.”

This comment can render a grandparent helpless since many do not know how to use Facebook.

• “How can you let him talk disrespectfully to you…you’re his grandmother.”

Behavioral management of children lies primarily in the hands of parents, not grandparents. Every child is on a learning curve. Some kids are still learning to inhibit disrespectful impulses. It’s not grandma’s fault.

• “Your grandkids are so wild, don’t their parents teach them how to behave?”

This type of comment is a direct criticism about your children’s parenting skills. It’s an insult to grandma, too.

• “You’re go good to your grandchildren. Enjoy them while you can because you know how teenagers only want to be with their friends.”

This is a particularly hurtful statement because it triggers unnecessary separation anxiety in grandma. Enjoy today…why worry about tomorrow.

• “Do you go to all their basketball games?…they may not always want a big cheering section.”

Many grandparents reap pleasure from watching their grandchildren compete in sports. It’s mean to imply the kids may not always want grandma there.  It’s also none of their bee’s wax.

• “Mother’s Day is coming…they better honor you as you deserve.”

This may be insensitive because it implies you give to your kids and grandkids with an expectation of something in return.

Also, many young families mark Mother’s Day by making mommy feel special and honored. Grandmothers often take a backseat to mothers. If they don’t make a big deal over grandma this comment may rub it in.

Happy early Mother’s Day, moms and grandmas!

My daughter remembered that she forgot to do her homework while brushing her teeth for bed. I said not to worry and that she could do it then. She starting crying and saying that she does everything wrong (her automatic response when anything goes wrong). Two days ago she got an 88 on a math quiz and started crying because she thought she was a failure, even though I told her I was still proud. I have never EVER put any emphasis on her grades, nor have I EVER expected perfection from her. Help!

Dr. Fran: Separation anxiety comes from two root causes.  One, either the parent (usually Mom) is over attached and does not nurture the separation process. Or two, mom or dad is “there” but isn’t accessible (detached or distracted) to the child so he or she feels emptiness. Mom needs to know she is okay without her baby and the child needs to know he or she is okay without mom.

2.  How do you learn to pick your battles when it comes to food?

Dr. Fran: Never fight with your kids about what goes into their bodies or what comes out. I cannot tell you how many parents get stuck in two developmentally crucial areas – eating and pooping. (That’s why) girls get stuck with eating disorders and the boys get stuck in the pooping disorders. They are both anxiety based but quickly become control issues where the kid feels over controlled by the parent and, in the end, those are two body function control areas that the parent cannot win.

3.  How do you manage your own fatigue?

Dr. Fran: Be sure to nourish and fortify yourself with individual time. Take a walk, listen to music, sit with your feet up and read a magazine. Do whatever makes you feel good and nourishes you. Get enough sleep, eat well, and have a confidant to talk to who will listen empathically without judgment. You need a person to talk to also.

4. How do you strike a balance between your child’s personality and your own expectations?

Dr. Fran: Every child is an individual and unique and parents need to adjust their expectations to each child’s capacity. For instance, if you have a kid with learning disabilities and fine motor weakness, your expectation of him doing handwriting work may be different from one of the kids who may not have the same weakness. You’ve got to adjust. Don’t expect your kid to do the adjusting, it’s the parent who needs to do the adjusting first and then your child will come to you to meet you in the middle.

5.  Being a parent is, perhaps, the most difficult job in the world. Why do we do this?

Dr. Fran: In the unconscious mind there’s probably some thought about survival of the species. I really think, though, most people want to turn the clock around and “do it right this time.” They are trying to correct the wrongs that were done to them by their parents. Sadly, they either unconsciously repeat it without having walked that self-examination path or – the mistakes that were done to them they fix – but they make new ones that they regret. The answer to doing it right is a lot of work on one’s self. The better we know ourselves the better we can impart clearer messages to children.

FW: Find some areas where you can empathize and identify with your child. Every child wants to feel understood. Sometimes parents see things in their children that remind them of themselves. You have to recognize this and accept your children, flaws and all.

2.  How do you make sure both parents are on the same page?

FW: It’s common for moms and dads not to be on the same page. That old saying “opposites attract” applies to parenting too. Mom and dad might have different temperaments so you’ll need to find ways to have open and honest communication with your spouse. You need to talk about your shared values such as, “What do you value in people and in our families.” Talk about what you want to teach your kids. The likelihood is that you’ll have shared values like treating each other with kindness, and don’t hurt each other with our hands or our words. When you begin with shared values you can springboard to create mutually comfortable strategies for how to teach the children.

3.  How do you teach your children boundaries?

FW:  Each parent needs to balance two things at the same time.  First, love and nurture. Second, setting and holding boundaries. Most of the parents I know are good at the first one and fall down somewhere in the boundaries. Where they fall down on boundaries is the follow through on taking action. Sometimes what you need to do is to take action that will trigger a temper tantrum (like turning off the TV) then empathically say, “I know it’s hard to stop doing something that’s fun” and then put your arms around your child to show empathy and help them settle down from the tantrum that just erupted while maintaining the boundaries.

4.  How do you teach your child to self-soothe?

FW: Self-soothing begins at birth. What I suggest to moms, especially those who are breast feeding, is when you put the baby down to sleep, gently arouse the baby until they make eye contact and let the baby wrestle with the tossing and turning until they find that comfortable spot to go to sleep. The baby will find her thumb, a soft blanket or something that will help in the self-soothing process.

5.  How do you determine what’s appropriate autonomy and when?

FW: It’s healthy for parents to develop their children’s autonomy and independence. Parents should reward every increment in your child’s autonomy and self-reliance with increments of more freedom and independence. Your child may, for example, want to go to the mall with his or her friends. Your child must demonstrate that they have the discipline to go to the mall responsibly by doing other things such as their homework, chores, always telling the parents the truth, and those behaviors get rewarded with allowing him or her the chance to go to the mall.

AsianParent.com Malaysia edition.

The stakes are higher when it comes to disagreements over caring for aging parents.

My eight-year-old girl sometimes pulls down my pjs when I’m getting ready. The other day, she did it in the kitchen, where we have lots of windows! My husband scolded her, sent her to take a shower, and said “Mommy is not your friend, don’t ever do that again.” Then told me, “You’re not her friend, act like her mother. Ask your mother or any other mother if they would allow this.” She told me she was just trying to make me laugh. How do I handle this behavior and frankly, my husband?

According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, up to a third of workers may be the victims of workplace bullying.

The increase in workplace bullying has even caught the attention of some politicians and there has been a 10-year-long move to pass the “Healthy Workplace Bill” across the country. The bill proposes to make changes to the current discrimination and harassment laws to  address bullying concerns. Five states have seven versions of the Healthy Workplace Bill active in 2013. And since  April 2009, 16 U.S. states proposed similar legislation.

If you find yourself a victim of workplace bullying, there are some first immediate steps you should take. “Document and isolate,” advises former Old School rapper turned sports agent and children’s author Glenn Toby, author of Lil G Faces the Brooklyn Bully. “This means contact a person in authority in or out of your organization to get assistance and consult them regarding the matter. Isolate means to identify each of the violations. Use eyewitnesses [and] recording devices (check local and regional laws). If there is a group of people offending you, breaking up the mob will help you in creating a strategy to identify who is lying or can help legal personnel or a law enforcement professional to better investigate and document the abuse.”

Also try to change your approach to the person or persons bullying you. “My best advice to someone being bullied in the workplace is to practice using phrases like, ‘I’m not comfortable with that’; ‘I see it differently’; ‘That doesn’t work for me’;  ’We disagree and have different styles of communicating,’” says Beverly Hills psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish, author of  The Self-Aware Parent. “You can set boundaries and regain control by using gentle language that drives your point home. It’s not necessary to make enemies at work. But, it is very important to define the lines that others may not cross. It is a quiet strength when someone can do this in a benign, clear, and matter of fact tone.”
Read more at http://madamenoire.com/261096/not-just-in-the-schoolyard-how-to-deal-with-bullying-in-the-workplace/#MR2VPuM68jycQarU.99