CREATING TRADITIONS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Just like when it comes to myths such as Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy many parents want to carry on the tradition of fun by nurturing a gentle belief in these myths when their kids are young, so can dating and married couples establish and build traditions in their relationships. For example, this is Academy Awards Weekend. I have made it a personal meaningful tradition every year to make my homemade fried veal chops and watch the Oscars telecast with my friends! Mark special dates and events by creating foods, activities, or places visited to re-enact and relive the meaning and feeling of your original experience. It will bond you deeper and closer to your partner and friends.
When Is It Okay To Shame A Child?
The single and absolute only time that it is proper to inject shame into your child is when he or she steals, lies, and refuses to own up accountability for her actions. In general, all other public humiliations of a child are destructive and counter-productive.Accountability is the antidote to stealing and lying. In other words, a child must own up to their actions and behaviors in order for truth-telling to become their new norm. The problem is that when a person begins lying and gets away with it, the lying can become a habit. It is key to deal with the lying behavior immediately. Don't let time drag on. Swift response does not mean harsh reaction. If you react with anger or rage, your child's lying will increase and go underground meaning become secretive. As soon as you discover the lie or stealing, take your child face to face to the person he stole from and have him admit that he “took it (specifically say what “it” is), and that it was wrong and he will not do it again. Have him apologize in his own words in a tone of voice that sounds genuine. If your child sounds like he doesn’t mean it and just says “Sorry” to get you off his back, have him repeat his apology repeatedly until he sounds like it’s sincere.The most important thing between two people is to feel trust and security. Add that it makes a person feel safe when you know they will always tell you the truth. You can count on them and that's a good feeling. That's why telling the truth ALL the time matters so very much. Your goal is to have open, honest communication. Whatever the truth is - you want to know it!What is required is re-establishing a benign self-observing conscience, or self-judge. The psychology clinical term is Superego. Some people are raised by a harshly critical mother, father, or both. When this occurs, the individual may take in, or Introject, a harsh Superego. This means the person may be extremely hard on themselves, self-judging, and self-critical. It may be in the area of body image, intelligence, competence, attractiveness, or any area of self-functioning. Either way, it's nearly impossible to go from harshly self-critical to super positive. In a case where a child needs a good injection or tablespoon of conscience, or Superego, the hope is for him to not become overly self-critical but rather to develop a filter that stops him from doing the wrong thing.
- FRAN'S TOP TIPS TO AVOID LYING
- Commit to the belief that obstacles and disappointments in your life are opportunities to grow.
- Do not try to sweep away, avoid, or protect yourself or your child from wrestling with a challenge.
- Be brutally honest with yourself to own what your feelings are.
- Define your boundaries. Know where your comfort zone is and be prepared to clearly and kindly articulate this when someone crosses the line.
- Work on expressing anger when you feel it in the moment. Don't be afraid to say it. It's much better to be a straight-shooter than a dishonest person.
- Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know." You can always come back and answer later but you can't erase a lie told.
- Always be curious and open enough to look within and become more self-aware.
- Be kind and nice to others.
- Do not strive for perfection. Be "good enough."
- We cannot shield ourselves from hurdles. The best we can do is give ourselves coping skills to deal with all that will come our way.
- Praise every increment toward your independence and take pride, as you should, in growing outward into the world.
Accountability - Dr. Fran's 2018 New Year's Resolution
Accountability is my one word that "Power Word" that summarizes therapy. The self exploration and self-awareness that therapy entails hopefully leads to the ultimate goal of owning up to our own issues, both personal and in relationships. This is my definition of Accountability. It is also Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s definition of “Conscious Uncoupling” where each partner going through divorce owns up to his and her issues. Accountability and owning your issues beats a New Year’s Resolution for 2018!
The #MeToo Movement Is Making Men Reconsider How They Treat Women
TERROR ATTACK IN MANCHESTER
Talking about terrorism: tips for parentsChildren are exposed to news in many ways, and what they see can worry them. Our advice can help you have a conversation with your child:* Listen carefully to a child’s fears and worries. Instead of shoving too much anxiety-provoking information and reassurance into your kids, ask them what they heard about the Arianna Grande concert in Manchester, England.* Offer honest clarification and comfort.* Avoid complicated and worrying explanations that could be frightening and confusing.* Help them find advice and support to understanding distress events and feelings.* Be sure to monitor your own feelings, affect, emotional temperature, and cues you may unintentionally give to your kids. If you are anxious, they will be, too.One of the most challenging issues triggered by a terrorist attack is the feeling of lack of control over our life. Empower your kids by suggesting three (3) things. 1) suggest that your teen write letters to families affected by the Manchester attacks. This is therapeutic to your child by expelling and expressing powerful feelings. 2) if your child wants to donate and help the families, suggest a Bake Sale and contributing the proceeds to an aid organization. 3) keep lines of communication open with your tween and teen. Talking is the glue that holds people bonded together.It’s also important to address bullying and abuse following the terrorist attacks.Some children may feel targeted because of their faith or appearance . Look for signs of bullying, and make sure that they know they can talk with you about it. Often children might feel scared or embarrassed, so reassure them it's not their fault that this is happening, and that they can always talk to you or another adult they trust. Alert your child’s school so that they can be aware of the issue.Dealing with offensive or unkind comments about a child’s faith or backgroundIf you think this is happening, it’s important to intervene. Calmly explain that comments like this are not acceptable. Your child should also understand that someone’s beliefs do not make them a terrorist. Explain that most people are as scared and hurt by the attacks as your child is. You could ask them how they think the other child felt, or ask them how they felt when someone said something unkind to them. Explain what you will do next, such as telling your child's school, and what you expect them to do.
Art Therapy Useful in Psychotherapy?
Art therapy is an extremely respected form of psychotherapy and analysis. I utilize crayons and paper, large and small, by having children, families, and even adult couples draw and color as a tool to dig deep and get inside the minds of each individual patient. For instance, if it is a couple or family drawing, the way a person uses the space and whether they go into the boundaries lines of the other person's territory on the paper may indicate control in the relationship. Also, specific color choices reveal psychological information to the therapist. For example, the color black indicates depression and deep sadness. Excessive use of the color red may indicate anger and rage (ie: fire). Clouds and raindrops might show sadness with tears. Bright, sunny yellow, pink, and green often reflect joy and a happy state of mind. Beware Parents: Do not make the mistake of telling your kids to stop using black and red crayons. This will not erase internal emotional states. But rather, know that art is a viable pathway into understanding better what your child feeling on the inside.
Santa Scares Some Kids
Some children, especially kids under the age of 5 years, may get upset and cry by a visit to Santa. The reason is because of the costume, mask, makeup, false beard, rosy cheeks, and deep "Ho, ho, ho" voice used by Santa. Toddlers have not yet mastered the concept of Object Constancy. It is hard for a young child to imagine that a human man can remain a human person while wearing a costume. In other words, the toddler sees Santa in his costume and believes Santa is a walking and talking alien in a costume. The child doesn't understand that Santa is a real person who went in the other room and put a costume disguise on. A smaller percentage of children who may have an undiagnosed learning disability or perceptual problem may have a fear reaction to Santa Claus because of the visual perceptual distortion in Santa's mask and make up. If your child is upset, afraid or cries when visiting Santa don't force the visit. Instead, comfort your young child. Be sure you cozy up, put arm around your child, and give your child permission to express his fears and anger at you for taking him to see Santa before he was ready. Tell him you won't do that again. Next time you will "ask" him if he wants to visit Santa. If he says no you will respect his wishes. An attuned sensitive parent follows her child's lead.
Modern Day Media Consumption
Dr. Fran’s commentary on modern day media consumption and Netflix catering to the millennial generation's emotional and psychological tendencies -- our short attention spans, obsessive personalities, demand for instant gratification. I am the expert psychologist who VH1 retained to do on-camera group therapy with Nicole Richie to cure her and her friends of cell phone addiction. Netflix is smart to capitalize on the young market of mass culture who are obsessive-compulsively attached to and addicted to electronic and media instant gratification. We have raised and nurtured a generation of kids who are conditioned to expect an immediate response such as one received online or in a computer game. Human interactions require a beat or two longer. They require the person to think first, process information, retrieve and formulate an answer before spitting out their response. The millennial generation has no patience for waiting. They have (and will) paid a high price for the expectation of immediacy. High schoolers and university students no longer desire to date, in the old-fashioned sense of the word. They don't want to take the time to get to know someone and develop a relationship. Instead, they are "hooking up" at dorm parties where they engage in kissing, heavy petting, and sexual intercourse with acquaintances and virtual strangers. By the time they graduate college, they go out into the big wide world without a clue of how to form a relationship. On the other hand, Netflix is creating and producing some very high quality film and television entertainment. The challenge is that they are contributing to the myth and legend that human interactions function at the same light year speed that electronics do. This distortion is a setup for a huge disappointment to our younger generation coming up!
Dr. Fran Top 3 Tips for Parenting Teens
"Dr. Fran Top 3 Tips for Parenting Teens"
- Parents need to create and nurture open, honest pathways of communication with their teens. This begins in the early childhood years by always telling your kids the truth as a model and expectation for them to do the same. This means parents must encourage healthy expression of their child's powerful feelings, including anger, respectfully and directly expressed to Mom or Dad. Most parents are afraid of their kid's rage and avoid or squelch it. When you give permission for natural feelings of anger your child feels seen, validated, understood, and accepted by you - flaws and all!
- Reward your teen's responsible behavior with small increments of additional freedom. Adolescents want autonomy and independence. After all, the psychological goal of this adolescence parallels toddlerhood in that your teen must now resolve the separation she claimed from you from age 18 months to 4 years-old when she was saying no and having normal temper tantrum. So now, when she shows you excellent punctual school attendance, good study habits, consistently fine grades, and dependable responsible rule following, reward her with a 30-minute later curfew on Saturday night out with her friends.
- Always remember: Teenagers hate to be 'told' what to do. Drop any tone of over-directing or control in your tone of voice and replace it with warmth, clarity, and even inject a bit of humor. You'll get much further with your teen if you state your expectations not as commandments but as gentle facts. Dr. Fran Walfish, psychotherapist, author, and expert panelist on 'Sex Box', WE tv premiering in the US early 2015.
LAST-MINUTE PARTY CANCELLATIONS
Are you throwing a party and worried about last-minute cancellations? Have you been disappointed by friends in the past? Truth be told, I am guilty. I have been both a guest who cancels at the last minute, as well as a hostess whose guests have cancelled at the last minute. I can speak to both why people cancel, as well as to how it feels to be 'done to'. As the host/hostess of the party, it is absolutely natural to feel angry and disappointed (anger & sadness). After all, you planned, prepared, anticipated, and looked forward to. But, here is the secret most 'last-minute-cancellers' hold. They usually don't come because of a deep insecurity of feeling less-than in a social group setting. For example, the Holidays are supposed be joyful and jolly. For many, this is true. For others, who have conflict-filled family situations or are single (not by choice) or widowed, or simply experience a depressed feeling of loneliness around Holiday time, it can feel like an overwhelming burden when faced with the ordeal of 'what shall I wear?'; 'what will I say to initiate conversation with strangers?'; 'I didn't buy a gift for the Hostess"; and other ruminating worries that spell out "Am I good enough?" It is very important for the host/hostess to do their best to not take a last minute cancellation or no-show personally. It almost never is personal. It is a reflection of a deeper level of low-confidence and self-worth on the part of your beloved guest. Don't discard a precious friend who can't get it together for a social event. Give them another chance. If they prove to be a Serial Last Minute Canceller prepare for it so you're not surprised and disappointed next time.
Dr. Fran's Five (5) Unforgivable Lies in a Relationship
RESEARCH FINDS THAT HAPPY CHILDREN COME OUT OF ALL TYPES OF FAMILY COMBINATION
I have long speculated the same findings of a new study published just this week that states: "It doesn't matter whether a child lives with a single parent or two bio parents or with a parent and a stepparent--as long as the family relationship is strong the child will be happy. Good relationships with siblings, no bullying at school also contribute." In order to be a good parent, one must be comfortable balancing two things at the same time - love/nurture and limits/boundaries. Each parent must be emotionally available to the child with continuity (no breaches or disruptions caused by travel or regular fighting). Emotionally available means the parent follows the child's lead with interest and curiosity and praises every increment in the child toward his or her autonomy and independence. These are some of the primary ingredients required to raise happy wholesome thriving children. Always remember Tip #1 - Be kind to your child. That's a given to most of us but we are living in stressful times. People are tugged in many different directions with tight financial strains and overhead. Don't make your child pay the price.
I have seen many single moms raise happy, healthy wonderful children. That said, it is important to recognize that every boy and girl wants (and needs) a male and female influence to identify with a respected idealized same sex figure. If there is no father in the home, sign your child up for Big Brothers of America or encourage your child to develop and build a relationship with an uncle, grandfather, or coach in order to complete his own male self-identification.
STAYING WARM & COZY WITH YOUR HONEY DURING A STORM
A storm ruins your plans and causes tension. “Think about the what-ifs in advance,” suggests Fran Walfish, PsyD, a child, couple and family psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, CA, and author of The Self-Aware Parent. “If your child has a snow day and you and your partner have to work, know that you’ll take her to Aunt Sally’s house or to daycare. Don’t wing it—that brings out the devil in all of us.”
You’re cooped up and arguing over which TV show to watch. One obvious solution: Tune in to two different shows if you have two screens. “You can cuddle after and talk about what you watched,” says Dr. Walfish.
You can’t agree on the thermostat. If your man likes the house at 68°F and you prefer 76, perhaps compromise with 72. Otherwise, the cold person needs to take one for the team. “You can always bundle up with layers,” says Dr. Walfish. (When you’re hot, on the other hand, you can only take off so many clothes.)
You’re both gaining weight. Consider replacing hot cocoa with hot tea, recommends Dr. Walfish.
Winter clothes are an obstacle to intimacy. It’s harder to hug in snow-covered jackets, and it’s more difficult to hold hands while wearing thick mittens. Plus, shapeless winter clothing isn’t as flattering as, say, a flirty summer dress or a fitted men’s t-shirt. Here’s one thing you can do: Wear lacy lingerie underneath it all. “When your guy finally peels off all the layers, there will be a surprise gift underneath making it worth the effort,” says Dr. Walfish.
Dry, flaky skin doesn’t make you feel sexy. “Light candles while you’re at it,” adds Dr. Walfish. Then, massage lotion onto each other’s bodies. It can relax you and put you in the mood.
You’re bickering over where to spend the holidays. Handle the holidays the same way children of divorce do, says Dr. Walfish: Alternate. Visit one person’s family for Thanksgiving and the other’s family for Christmas, and then switch the next year. “That way, there’s no discussion. You just stick to the arrangement.”
DR. FRAN'S "7 SECRETS" OF HAPPY PEOPLE:
- 1. Give up trying to control other people, especially your partner.
- 2. Praise every increment in yourself toward independence and moving outward into the world. Cherish your ability to stand on your own.
- 3. View people as good until they demonstrate otherwise. Most people are good. Those who are not will reveal themselves in time and you can weed out the ones who are not worthy of your trust.
- 4. Do not strive for perfection. Be "good enough."
- 5. Build self-esteem toward self and others by using words that support and motivate with empathy, rather than criticize.
- 6. Express your feelings in the moment. Do not allow anger and disappointment to build up inside you. Say what you feel clearly and respectfully. It will free you.
- 7. Give yourself Special Time. Take 10-15 minutes each day to be with yourself and chill. You'd be surprised how challenging this is when you have a spouse, children, and clients tugging at you 24/7. Give yourself short, undivided, positive attention each day for nourish and fortify you.
ROMANCE AT THE OFFICE: DR. FRAN'S TOP 4 TIPS
1) Ask yourself if this person could be your lifetime partner? Don't risk your job and all the potential complications unless you believe he or she is the real deal. I’m not saying you have to marry her, just be serious.2) Keep your romantic relationship discreet in the office. Do not confide in friends/coworkers at the job. Do your best to keep personal and business separate.3) If you take the relationship to the next level by either moving in together or getting married, keep individual last names at work. Jealousies and alliances may form and it's difficult to know who your friends or enemies are. Don't rub it in everyone's face that you are one (a team) with your lady by having the same last name.4) Keep your eye on the ball. At the office, your main objective is to do your job with complete focus and concentration. Do not send personal messages to your lover while on the job. Laser focus on the work and demonstrate pristine ability to keep your personal life private.Happy Valentine’s Day!
Woody Allen: Guilty or Not? Did He Molest 7 Year-old Dylan?
We may never know the truth about what happened between Woody Allen and his former girlfriend, Mia Farrow's adopted then 7 year-old daughter, Dylan. It seems Americans today love to judge. The majority of women under age 30 years think Allen molested the child. Others, especially Woody's Hollywood friends, including Barbara Walters and Diane Keaton, have gone public declaring their support of him.As the leading child psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, I believe the voice of the child. At age 7, Dylan said he sexually molested her. Kids don't make this up. Sex is not in the realm of a child's fantasy. It either happened to her or she saw something that planted the idea in her head. At the time of Dylan's allegations, the Court decided not to proceed with the investigation as it would traumatize the child. Woody Allen committed the cardinal sin. He took naked photographs of, and became sexually involved with the adopted minor child of the woman who bore his children, Mia Farrow. To the child, Soon-Yi, Woody was a second father figure. Take one hard look at the face of Dylan Farrow today. Hers is the face of trauma and abuse.If Dylan Farrow were my child patient and told me that her mother's boyfriend touched her inappropriately I would explore and examine. If I believed it to be true, I'd report it. All that's required is reasonable suspicion and this child's voice, now an adult, has certainly convinced me of that.
Pornography Consumption In Relationships
Dear Dr. Fran, how does being honest about pornography consumption with a partner lead to greater relationship satisfaction? Jack S.
Dear Jack, okay now, you’ve got to come clean with me….or at least with yourself. Is one of you a little kinky while the other isn’t? I’ve heard everything in my private practice from obsession with feet, toes, armpits, belly buttons, on and on. More specific info would be helpful. Being honest about pornography use with a partner indicates that the person is comfortable with their own sexuality and the things that sexually titillate, stimulate, arouse, and turn-on their excitation. Secrecy about pornography consumption can be felt as a betrayal and raise mistrust, suspicions, and put a wedge of distance between the partners. Therefore, honesty is required, and open dialogue is the glue that holds people together which leads to greater relationship satisfaction. In a case where a partner would need to come forward about their pornography consumption a few questions come to mind. Why it is that it was kept discreet in the first place? Is it because their partner is inhibited and might judge them for this type of behavior? Does the person feel shame about their own pornography usage? These are important questions to ponder. Depending on the answers the individual comes up with it may or may not be so easy to talk to their partner about this. Sometimes, it helps to retain the services of an experienced therapist or counselor to help the couple open dialogue about their sexual likes and dislikes. Often, it takes a skilled professional to do a thorough dating and sexual history with each partner to help each one assess themselves. When both partners are equally open sexually and emotionally it can be exciting wonderful foreplay to watch pornography together. Often, watching can stimulate ideas, themes, and scenarios that can illicit spontaneity and adventure for the couple.
How To Find New Love in the New Year 2014
More and more people want to connect and don't know how to find someone to love. It's healthy to want to be a couple. We are born to be interdependent. Below are my Top 10 Tips for Finding New Love in the New Year 2014. Good luck!!!1.) Take an look within. Ask yourself if you truly want to be in a "day in, day out" relationship with someone. Some people think they want to be involved but when it comes down to wrestling with conflict they run like the wind.2.) Adopt a new attitude change. You will need to create an openness to the folks you want to attract. This includes becoming a good observer. Keenly be aware of others around you and look for potential love objects in the supermarket, bank, car wash, park, library, and so forth. 3.) Hone in on your eye-contact. The best way to attract someone is to look at them directly with a smile and show interest. 4.) Create an air of mystery. People love a sense of pursuit..... as if there's more behind you to get to know and discover.5.) Don't come on forcefully like ball busters. You will be viewed as desperate. Show interest with clarity, but be gentle.6.) Don't oversell yourself by bragging and reciting your resume. Rather, ask the other person questions about them. People love to talk about themselves. It's a great way to get to know this new person.7.) Consider joining an online dating site. If you find that you have trouble meeting people out in the world around you, you may have better luck on the web.8.) Tell all your friends and acquaintances you're 'looking'. See if they know someone great for you!9.) Don't expect "perfection". It doesn't exist. Expect to find someone with good character, ethics, and morals whose flaws match well with yours.10.) Be prepared to date, date, date. Finding love is like shopping for clothes. Sometimes, you have to try on lots of outfits until you find the right fit.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
The closure of the previous year and beginning of the new one is generally a great place to start resolutions because it is a transition point. Transition mean letting go of the old and beginning the new. This is the reason life changes are so difficult. Examples of this are leaving Mommy and going to preschool for the first time; going to college; beginning a new job; divorce; death of a beloved pet or family member. These things, as well as New Year resolutions, are a process, not a quick choice. They require time, commitment, and tolerating moments of anxiety. Most people fall down or fail when their anxiety rises.
New Year's resolutions usually fail because people choose their most challenging issues to overcome - their Achilles heel. These challenging issues may include dieting; ceasing to smoke, drink or use drugs; and change personality characteristics which are all issues that require ongoing guidance and support. You can't simply decide to change without a long-term plan and safety net in place. Most people set the resolutions on January 1st and fall off the wagon within the first few weeks of the New Year.
Be sure to put guidelines in place when making New Year's resolutions. These guidelines include:
1. Make a reasonable plan that can be followed without too much trauma. In other words, if you want to lose weight don't decide to go on a juice fast for a month. You will certainly become too hungry, tired, and cranky and ultimately fail.
2. Plan for the "what if's". Know ahead of time how you will deal with falling off the wagon. For instance, if you cheat on your diet plan how to get back on as quickly as possible. Most people feel one failure as a total loss, and they give up.
3. Create a support system. Find a trusted someone you can talk to and get non-judgmental support from.
Determining what one wants versus what one needs in terms of making resolutions can become complicated. The needs should be pared down to physical and emotional health. For example, if a person continues to have personality clashes with co-workers or family members they may need to list 'Become less critical' on the Need Resolution list. Wants should include luxuries and extras that enhance life but are not necessities. These may be a designer pair of jeans, special handbag, or perfume.
It seems that resolutions can often be rooted in the negative (I'll stop biting my nails, I'll lose weight, I'll stop procrastinating on whatever), whereas a bucket list is all about the positive: We'll go to Costa Rica! I'll learn to kick box! I'll frame all my art! We'll learn to make tofu! Even if some of the things on the list might be a bit mundane (I'll set up a 401K! I'll start brushing my hair!), it's the attitude that makes a difference. These are things we're excited to do this year, things we'll be so proud to have accomplished, things that will make our lives better, more interesting, more stable, more fun.
It is best to have only one big resolution and a couple or few smaller resolutions. Too many biggies will likely overwhelm you. More than one little resolutions give you several opportunities to prevail and feel successful self-esteem.
If the resolution involves another person then it is important for one to be accountable for their resolutions and actions. For instance, if your resolution is to be less openly critical of others and you find yourself still criticizing, you must own up to it and be accountable. This is the first step toward change. However, if you resolution is self-contained, meaning it only affects you, then you are accountable but you must be kind and forgiving to yourself. This is all about developing a more benign Superego. Or in plain English, we must learn to cut ourselves slack and accept ourselves - flaws and all!
It is perfectly okay to not make New Year's resolutions with the caveat and understanding that you are not a loser or failure to not doing so. The fact is that most New Year's resolutions are not adhered to. Most people feel badly when they don't stick to their commitments. But, here is the truth. The unconscious mind always prevails. In other words, the part of the mind that stores desires, wishes, wants, and needs that we are unaware of (without thought) always wins. That means that it doesn't matter what you think you want, the truth of your underlying wants and needs will always happen. So, you may think you want to lose weight when, in fact, what you really want is the cozy, warm, comfort of food. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Take a painful, open look within and discover your own truth. Nurture and respect it.
If you want to try the reward system for sticking to your resolutions, make sure you implement rewards for short-term positive attempts of sticking to your resolutions. Waiting too long for a contingency doesn't work. Give yourself daily or weekly small rewards versus waiting until the end of the month. Do not implement negative reinforcements or punishments. Falling off the wagon is punitive enough. Make it a positive incentive and if you meet with disappointment give yourself a break for being human.
My main message to my readers is to acknowledge, validate, and accept ourselves - flaws and all! This is what we, every child and adult, long for.
COUPLES WHO HAVE DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES
* When is it important for parents with different parenting styles to be in agreement: for big things like safety, discipline, religion, etc.? Why or why not?
In general, most parents agree on issues. It's their different styles of delivery the message that causes problems. Very often one parent is harshly angry while the other is soft and loosy-goosey. Conflict and chaos brews and the children's anxiety rises. This is a perfect cocktail for future acting-out behaviors in the children. When I treat parents with polarized styles of implementing discipline, unless they change and get on the same page, I see their children emerge with out-of-control behaviors, emotional problems, and delinquency. These are kids who need a therapeutic boarding school in order to get the proper balance of nurturing and boundaries.* Is it okay for parents to disagree on small matters? Yes, of course it is natural for parents to disagree on small matters like whether showers are taken before or after dinner or whether the child is given $5. versus $7. for lunch money. Optimally, it's best if parents can come together and deliver one message. But, it is very important that parents do not criticize or blame the other parent. Kids need to know parents support each other, love each other, and are a united team.* How do parents with opposing views agree on big issues? Are there strategies that you recommend?Each parent must respect the other. Even though you may disagree on views, opinions, and issues you must have basic respect for your spouse's love of the child(ren) and integrity. Without this, there is a crack in the foundation of the marital relationship and the risk of collapse of the family unit. Have open, honest dialogue with your partner to see where and on which points you can join together. Do not hesitate to consult a marriage counselor or therapist to deal with these very important issues.* What about divorced parents who have different parenting styles? How can they reach a consensus about important topics, or should they agree to disagree?Sadly, most divorces are contentious. More often than not, divorced parents do things in very different ways. In the best of situations, it is wonderful for the kids when their divorced parents have two similarly functioning households. Usually that is not the case which is often the reason why divorce occurred in the first place. Sadly, this is one of the realities children must face and deal with. It is best for the parents to agree to disagree and to explain it to the children honestly by saying something like, "At Mommy's house bedtime is earlier than at Daddy's" or "Yes, I know Daddy lets you eat candy at lunchtime but Mommy doesn't do that." The key is to not allow your child to pin you against the other in order to get what they want - you to change your rules. It is a reality that most divorces leave two different sets of rules in two different houses. Of course, it's always best to have one united set of rules, expectations, and discipline strategies.* How should parents discuss their differing styles with their children, if approached?Most younger age children do not confront the differing styles in their parents - they react to them. The wider the gap between parents the more serious the emotional and behavioral problems in the kids. Some teens will point to their parents' differing parenting styles. If approached, always be honest and accountable with your children. Own up to your end. The kids know the truth anyway! They live with you. Be a good role-model for being truthful and taking responsibility for your own behavior.* What if the children always approach one parent for help or permission because he/she is the friendlier or more lenient parent? In this way, differences in parenting styles may affect the way that children relate to parents.Believe me, the children will approach the softer, more lenient parent to get permission. This is likely one of the issues that broke the marriage apart. If you and your ex are amicable you can discuss and try to get on the same page in the best interest of your children. When this is not possible, do your best to remain clear, consistent, and follow-through so your children feel secure, safe, and trusting with you. Don't try to compete to win a popularity contest between you and your ex. The kids need at least one dependable, mature, and responsible parent they can count on to hold the line.* Can different parenting styles negatively affect children, or do they help children learn about varied opinions and different ways to view the same situation?Definitely, different parenting styles are more harmful than helpful to children. The closer parents are united in discipline, morals, character, and behavioral expectations, the better for raising happy, healthy, resilient, wholesome kids and young adults.