Boys and Fathers Relationships
1) Define some various relationship patterns between boys and their dad’s.
* Healthy Attachment - Dad is interested and well-engaged with his son. When Dad gazes at his son his eyes beam adoringly.* Detached Father - Father is not there. Either Dad and Mom have archaic assigned roles that Dad is the breadwinner while Mom is the primary custodial parent, or Dad's personality is limited by an inability to emotionally connect.* Unavailable Father - Dad is there but focused on other things. He is not readily available to warmly respond consistently to his son's needs.* Sports Dad - Father is intensely into sports and can only relate to his son on an athletic level, both as spectator and active participant.* Disciplinarian Father - This dad has entered into a usually unspoken agreement that Mom is the nurturer while Dad is positioned in the family as the disciplinarian. This family dynamic causes serious problems in the kids when they go through adolescence.
2) Our focus is on attachment in how it relates to child development. Can you provide examples/insight on the attachment levels between boys and dads? We would like to look at both healthy attachments and unhealthy attachments.
From birth to 12 months of age, the primary psychological goal for every boy (and girl) is bonding or developing a strong, secure, healthy attachment to Mommy. Daddy takes a backseat to Mommy during this first important phase of developing Trust and Security within the newborn infant. At age 12 months, most infants begin to stand and take their first steps. This begins and lifelong Separation Process. Age 18 months kickstarts the crucial toddler phase of development. From 18 months to 4 years of age toddlers are in Rapprochement. I believe this is the most critical stage of human development. The following crucial goals including Self-Declaration (I am "me" - not you); self-feeding; self-soothing; toilet-training; delayed gratification; frustration tolerance; language and motor skills; and sexual identification - all must be practiced and established by every child by age 4 years. Little boys are facilitated and help in both potty training and sexual/gender identification by showering/bathing with Daddy, wrestling, tossing a ball back-and-forth, and playing running, chase, and tag games. If Daddy is absent or unavailable, a warm empathic and fun uncle, grandfather, or Mom's buddy can step into this needed role. During Latency Phase (7-12 years of age), boys need their dads to rough-house, wrestle, do sports, and talk with. Teens need more of the same. Also key is that sons are carefully observing their fathers with laser-sharp radar. Dads need to know they are the model for how and what their sons will become.
3) How does over-attachment affect a child’s development? (Boys, specifically)
Over-attachment to Daddy in boys (and girls) is highly unusual. It is more common for boys to become overly-attached to their mothers. An over-attachment is unhealthy because both parent and child become too inter-dependent on each other. In worst case scenarios a Symbiotic Relationship develops in which neither child nor parent can function without the other. Parents need to understand and adopt the belief that separation, self-reliance, and independence are the goals for every child. You must praise every increment in your sons and daughters toward moving out into the world independently. If you need to hold tight to your son or daughter this is worthy of self-examination to raise your awareness and not put this onto your kids.
4) How is a child’s child development affected if there is no attachment (boys specifically)?
If there is no attachment to the father sons can find the necessary traits required for clear self-identification in another warm, empathic male who can buddy-up or mentor the boy child. If, however, there is no, or limited, attachment to the mother very serious personality/characterological problems may develop. The child is at risk of becoming a sociopath because in the early months and years he had no warmly attuned parent to consistently respond to his cries and needs. The child learns the world is not a safe place and grows to emerge without a conscience or guilt. He feels entitled to things he was gypped out of during childhood.Many boys are raised by a single mom and turn out just fine. Moms can parent effectively and well without a male partner or spouse. The key is to find the right men who will be present in the growing son's life on a consistent basis over a long period of time. Continuity is crucial to imprint the child's identity.
Raising Good Kids
DR. FRAN'S TOP TIPS FOR "RAISING GOOD KIDS"* Always be curious and open enough to look within and become more self-aware.* Be kind and nice to your child(ten).* Do not strive for perfection. Be "good enough."* Don't get caught in power struggles.* Never engage in negotiations, bargaining, or deal making.* Balance nurturing, setting limits, and holding boundaries.* Listen to your child(ten). Interpret both verbal and non-verbal cues.* Encourage healthy expression of anger.* Nurture and praise your child's incremental steps toward separation and independence.* Encourage your child's unique and individual ideas, thoughts, and opinion.* Have special time with your kids every day.* Shield your children from hearing Mom an dDad fight. Restrain the impulse and either find a private place or wait until after the kids are asleep.* Ask questions of others if you don't know what to do.* Have a weekly date night and daily talk time with your spouse/partner. The foundation of your family is built upon the bricks and mortar of your marital relationship.* Build self-esteem by using words that support and motivate with empathic attunement, rather than criticize.* Equip your child with coping skills to deal with disappointments. We cannot protect or prevent life's disappointments. The best we can do is equip our children with coping skills to deal with inevitable letdowns.
RAISING GOOD KIDS: Parenting in 3-D
When children lash out in anger after not getting their way, parents typically respond with a stern reprimand and treat their child’s outburst as “wrong” or negative. Or, a parent might succumb to his child’s bad behavior by letting her do as she pleases. According to Dr. Fran Walfish, the leading Beverly Hills child and family psychotherapist whose caring approach and innovative strategies have placed her at the forefront of her profession, “Most children lose their connection to their parents during episodes of anger. This breakdown causes children to keep secrets and hide things from their parents, ultimately creating pathways to later issues including lying, drug and alcohol use, and more.” Dr. Fran’s Parenting in 3-D methodology, which has been a transformative force in the lives of parents for the better part of two decades, provides a powerful solution for dealing with your child’s anger in a way that builds self-esteem and creates a healthy expression of all emotions at an early age. “When parents can acknowledge, invite, and openly validate angry feelings, their child becomes calm and feels accepted,” Dr. Fran adds. “This acceptance is what builds the child’s evolving self-esteem and is a prerequisite for all good relationships with peers, teachers, employers, spouses, and you, their parents.” Next time your child lashes out in anger, Dr. Fran strongly urges putting into practice her Parenting in 3-D formula: Discard the DEFENSIVE. Every parent wants to be both loved and liked by their child. Parents should understand that your child will sometimes be mad at you or reject you altogether (especially when you are asking them to stop a behavior or do something they would rather not do).This behavior is a necessary part of claiming themselves as a separate being with individual wants and wishes. Don’t undermine the boundaries you attempt to create by being defensive or giving in. Instead, take a deep breath (or two) and think before speaking. DEMONSTRATE empathy with words. In the midst of a tantrum or other exaggerated behavior, many parents refuse to accept the episode, and ignore it by stepping away until the child is ready to behave. As a result, your child may think his/her feelings are not accepted. Instead, acknowledge to your child that you understand he is disappointed and upset, and narrate verbally what your child is feeling. Say with warmth and sincerity, “I see you are angry with me, and I’m the kind of mom who really wants to hear about it right to my face. Tell me about how mad you are at me.” Also address your child’s response with empathy. For instance, with a three-year-old, you might say, “Mommy sees you are disappointed. You want more play time and now it’s bath time. You got angry at Mommy. It’s hard to stop when you want more.” Being a container for your child’s anger will help him/her view you as a person that they can confide in. It also establishes your place as a stable figure, one who will not attack, run or collapse when the going gets rough. This is very important to convey to your child as she grows and faces larger issues. DIRECTIVE-DISCIPLINE with boundaries. Talking through a situation allows your child to feel heard. However, once he understands that you acknowledge and accept his displeasure, set the boundary and follow-through by taking action and “directing” (i.e. moving your child toward his responsibility, or your command). In this case, simply walk him into the bathroom and help him into the tub. Do not over-indulge him with gadgets and gifts to compensate for his struggles. According to Dr. Fran, being a good parent requires two things to happen together: loving/nurturing your child, and at the same time, setting/holding boundaries. To love your child is only half the job; children need firm boundaries, too.
Financial Impact on Marriages
How do you keep your marriage together when you have financial problems?
Marriages require a solid foundation based on trust and open healthy communication. Flexibility is required, as well. I treat many couples in which the husband lost his job and can't find work so the couple decide to change their roles. He stays home with the kids while his wife goes to work to bring home a paycheck. Should you practice gratitude?It helps to practice gratitude and generosity. The more grateful and giving we are the more positive our attitudes and the more good things come back to us tenfold. How do you set aside your worries and still make time for romance?It's easier said than done to set aside our worries when there are real stressors including money in our lives. People are anxious, worried, and tense. It's hard to feel romantic and sexual when you are under strain. Take turns giving and receiving a relaxing message with your partner. Turn on Marvin Gaye, or Sade music, lower the lights, and pour a glass of wine. Find ways to relax together, talk together, and these will lead you toward a warm, closer connection. Should you turn to others for support and not just your partner?Absolutely, you should turn to others for support. A trusted friend, counselor, family member, priest or rabbi are often available to talk with. There are certain areas that your partner may feel too vulnerable to talk about. Get support. You may need guidance or advice from a clean-slate who is outside the line of stress. Do everything you can to nourish and nurture yourself so that you have more to give to your partner, children and family. Any other thoughts?My Top Tips are:* Be kind to your partner. How we treat our significant other sets the model for how they will treat us.* Create an open discussion. Talking is the glue that holds relationships together.* Balance love/nurture with setting/holding boundaries.* Build self-esteem by using words that support and motivate, rather than criticize.* Equip yourself with coping skills to deal with disappointment. We cannot protect or prevent life's disappointments. The best we can do is equip ourselves to deal with inevitable life letdowns.* Never engage in negotiations, bargaining, or deal-making, especially when resolving conflicts. Rather, talk about what you feel and want in the moment. This is empathy. I define “empathy" as the computer chip within our personality (character) that allows us to imagine the impact of our own behavior on others. So, this not only includes knowing how the other person feels, but also imagining and anticipating their reactions to your own behavior. People who lack this quality have a Narcissistic trait. When this dynamic is expansive in the person's overall relating to others the person may have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When two partners in a marriage negotiate, bargain, and make deals it's usually with their "own" thoughts and needs front and center. When they talk about their own needs and wants it is more honest and straightforward. When your partner expresses his needs and wants it helps if you reflect out loud what you hear him saying. He should do the same for you. This creates a feeling of mutual validation. Sometimes, a solution is not found immediately. It's okay to agree to disagree by accepting that we each have our own separate and different opinion.
Top Tips For Managing Your Temper
* Deal with your anger in the moment. The build-up and surprise factor is the scariest part for your child.
* When angry, remove yourself, take a short cool-down time, then return and deal with the situation directly and in a calm manner.* Refrain from verbal putdowns, berating, or spewing hostilities to your child (or spouse). Make this a solemn commitment.* As you recognize and accept anger as a natural, normal human emotion, accept it in your child. Invite your child to tell you about it openly.* Talk about feelings with your child. Embrace anger as just another acceptable feeling.* Set and hold boundaries matter of factly, rather than with a flurry of anger.* Work on extending your tolerance for delayed gratification. Be patient. Your child will comply only if you are supportive and on their team.* Teach your child to always tell you the truth. Assure him that you will work on not getting so angry because you love him and do not want to scare him.* Know that you are a model for your children. Your child will think, "If Daddy explodes, why shouldn't I?"* Be kind to yourself. Know this is a process, not a quick fix. Be sure to hold on to your motivation to raise happy, healthy, disciplined, loving children.