Pornography Consumption In Relationships
Dear Dr. Fran, how does being honest about pornography consumption with a partner lead to greater relationship satisfaction? Jack S.
Dear Jack, okay now, you’ve got to come clean with me….or at least with yourself. Is one of you a little kinky while the other isn’t? I’ve heard everything in my private practice from obsession with feet, toes, armpits, belly buttons, on and on. More specific info would be helpful. Being honest about pornography use with a partner indicates that the person is comfortable with their own sexuality and the things that sexually titillate, stimulate, arouse, and turn-on their excitation. Secrecy about pornography consumption can be felt as a betrayal and raise mistrust, suspicions, and put a wedge of distance between the partners. Therefore, honesty is required, and open dialogue is the glue that holds people together which leads to greater relationship satisfaction. In a case where a partner would need to come forward about their pornography consumption a few questions come to mind. Why it is that it was kept discreet in the first place? Is it because their partner is inhibited and might judge them for this type of behavior? Does the person feel shame about their own pornography usage? These are important questions to ponder. Depending on the answers the individual comes up with it may or may not be so easy to talk to their partner about this. Sometimes, it helps to retain the services of an experienced therapist or counselor to help the couple open dialogue about their sexual likes and dislikes. Often, it takes a skilled professional to do a thorough dating and sexual history with each partner to help each one assess themselves. When both partners are equally open sexually and emotionally it can be exciting wonderful foreplay to watch pornography together. Often, watching can stimulate ideas, themes, and scenarios that can illicit spontaneity and adventure for the couple.
COUPLES WHO HAVE DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES
* When is it important for parents with different parenting styles to be in agreement: for big things like safety, discipline, religion, etc.? Why or why not?
In general, most parents agree on issues. It's their different styles of delivery the message that causes problems. Very often one parent is harshly angry while the other is soft and loosy-goosey. Conflict and chaos brews and the children's anxiety rises. This is a perfect cocktail for future acting-out behaviors in the children. When I treat parents with polarized styles of implementing discipline, unless they change and get on the same page, I see their children emerge with out-of-control behaviors, emotional problems, and delinquency. These are kids who need a therapeutic boarding school in order to get the proper balance of nurturing and boundaries.* Is it okay for parents to disagree on small matters? Yes, of course it is natural for parents to disagree on small matters like whether showers are taken before or after dinner or whether the child is given $5. versus $7. for lunch money. Optimally, it's best if parents can come together and deliver one message. But, it is very important that parents do not criticize or blame the other parent. Kids need to know parents support each other, love each other, and are a united team.* How do parents with opposing views agree on big issues? Are there strategies that you recommend?Each parent must respect the other. Even though you may disagree on views, opinions, and issues you must have basic respect for your spouse's love of the child(ren) and integrity. Without this, there is a crack in the foundation of the marital relationship and the risk of collapse of the family unit. Have open, honest dialogue with your partner to see where and on which points you can join together. Do not hesitate to consult a marriage counselor or therapist to deal with these very important issues.* What about divorced parents who have different parenting styles? How can they reach a consensus about important topics, or should they agree to disagree?Sadly, most divorces are contentious. More often than not, divorced parents do things in very different ways. In the best of situations, it is wonderful for the kids when their divorced parents have two similarly functioning households. Usually that is not the case which is often the reason why divorce occurred in the first place. Sadly, this is one of the realities children must face and deal with. It is best for the parents to agree to disagree and to explain it to the children honestly by saying something like, "At Mommy's house bedtime is earlier than at Daddy's" or "Yes, I know Daddy lets you eat candy at lunchtime but Mommy doesn't do that." The key is to not allow your child to pin you against the other in order to get what they want - you to change your rules. It is a reality that most divorces leave two different sets of rules in two different houses. Of course, it's always best to have one united set of rules, expectations, and discipline strategies.* How should parents discuss their differing styles with their children, if approached?Most younger age children do not confront the differing styles in their parents - they react to them. The wider the gap between parents the more serious the emotional and behavioral problems in the kids. Some teens will point to their parents' differing parenting styles. If approached, always be honest and accountable with your children. Own up to your end. The kids know the truth anyway! They live with you. Be a good role-model for being truthful and taking responsibility for your own behavior.* What if the children always approach one parent for help or permission because he/she is the friendlier or more lenient parent? In this way, differences in parenting styles may affect the way that children relate to parents.Believe me, the children will approach the softer, more lenient parent to get permission. This is likely one of the issues that broke the marriage apart. If you and your ex are amicable you can discuss and try to get on the same page in the best interest of your children. When this is not possible, do your best to remain clear, consistent, and follow-through so your children feel secure, safe, and trusting with you. Don't try to compete to win a popularity contest between you and your ex. The kids need at least one dependable, mature, and responsible parent they can count on to hold the line.* Can different parenting styles negatively affect children, or do they help children learn about varied opinions and different ways to view the same situation?Definitely, different parenting styles are more harmful than helpful to children. The closer parents are united in discipline, morals, character, and behavioral expectations, the better for raising happy, healthy, resilient, wholesome kids and young adults.
Excerpt from Dr. Fran Walfish interview in Forbes magazine 9/20/13
Why Paying for My Daughter’s College Is My Ultimate Life GoalThis desire to give your children as much as possible is something Dr. Fran Walfish, a child and family psychologist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child,” sees often. She explains that the parent-child dynamic has changed even in the past generation or two. “ I think parents are inclined to put their children first because they’re so desperate today to have their kids like them; they cannot bear to have their children angry at them,” she says of the helicopter-parent generation. “Some parents are just generally selfless, but we are living in the generation of entitlement. Grown young adults have an expectation that they deserve and should be given to, and think they have the ability to convince their parents to give in.”Dr. Walfish finds that kids whose parents can’t or won’t help them beyond a certain point take more responsibility for themselves. “I think that kids whose parents can’t afford to help them turn out O.K.,” she muses. “Those kids are forced to tap into their own resources—not just financial, but also emotional—to find ways of generating their own income. In the end it’s better for them.”
If you’re concerned about putting yourself first financially, Dr. Walfish points out that being a financial resource for your children is less critical than being an emotional resource. “Parents need to feel good about whatever they can give and not feel guilty about the limitations of what they cannot,” she says. “What they can always be generous with is their loving support and positive cheerleading. They can always be there to say, ‘Yes, you’re doing it on your own!’ That’s a great feeling for a kid—I think it means more than having the cash.”To pull back on your contributions, she recommends simply being honest with your children. “Tell them, ‘I truly wish I could give you this money, but I have to earmark it in case something comes up. I’d rather you learn to be independent and financially autonomous now while I’m well and can enjoy watching you grow than spring a surprise burden on you later.’” She says that the main message, however you choose to convey it, should always be that giving them less money isn’t a punishment—it’s an opportunity for your children to grow.
Preschool Drop-Off
Separation Anxiety in a child is almost never exclusive. Parents have an emotional reaction and it's usually strong. Most parents react with a flood of their own anxiety. I define anxiety as fear. The child fears being alone separate from Mommy, and Mommy fears whether child can make it on his own without her. It's an anxious circle. Some parents react with frustration and anger toward the child. The parent, in this case, has a resistance to dependency needs usually rooted in poor handling of the Separation Process during their own toddlerhood.
-Is there anything wrong with constantly checking up on your child? Yes, you risk the reciprocity of your child "checking" on you constantly. No child is ready to be left at preschool without Mommy present until at least the age of 2 years and 9 months. After that, age is no longer the issue. The key issue is how Mommy and the teachers deal with the Separation Process. Moms should NEVER be ripped away abruptly from their child. It can take up to 10 weeks for a child to fully be ready to be left at school without her mother.The best way to handle the Separation Process is to begin by Mommy going to school with her child and sitting next to him. She should not interact with him in games and toys, but rather be there available as a safety net in the event that he needs company. Mom should work hard to develop a warm relationship between her child and the teacher. This is crucial so that the child learns to reach out to the teacher when Mommy is not there. Then after at least a week, as the child appears to be comfortably engaged with activities Mommy should sit in a chair against the wall of the classroom so the child can come and go to her, as needed. This period can take weeks until the child feels secure enough to let Mommy leave. The next step is to try having Mommy leave the classroom to go to the bathroom and return immediately. Always, go to your child and tell her in advance you are leaving to go the bathroom. Then, return within a few short minutes to demonstrate that you deliver on your word. This enhances your child's ability to trust you. As she becomes comfortable with this phase, Mommy can try leaving to get a couple of coffee down the street and then returning in 45 minutes. It is extremely helpful for moms to develop a team approach with their child's teacher. This way the teacher can give cues and directions to Mom while Mommy can feel safe and confident that her child will be well cared for when she is not there.The exceptions to the above plan are children who suffered a traumatic event in their young lives including a death in the family, hospitalization or surgery.The way parents handle their child's separation and first preschool experience lays the bricks and mortar foundation for the child dealing with all life separations to come. -Why is it important for parents not to give up on bringing the child to preschool if she or he is always upset? If your child is under 2 years and 9 months do not even try to leave her alone without Mommy or Daddy. After 2.9 years, hand in and follow my suggestions in Answer #2. This will bolster your child with coping skills to deal with future frustrations, disappointments, and separations. Every time you allow your child struggle just a bit it empowers them with better coping skills to deal the next time around.-Is it damaging to a child to be left crying at preschool?It is damaging to a child to be left crying at preschool without a warm, nurturing teacher or supportive adult available to be a source of comfort to the child. Usually, the company of a kind, loving preschool can direct a child to engage in fun activities, narrate the child's feelings, and facilitate interactive play with other children. This helps the child separate from Mommy and find her place in the preschool classroom. If the child is left alone crying at preschool, which I have sadly observed on rare occasion, this can damage and scar the child for many years to come.In general, it is best to not leave your child(ren) crying under 2.9 years unless he or she is with a well-attached warm, nurturing person the child knows and has a relationship with (ie: Grandma, Nanny, Auntie, or Uncle). The reason is that it takes months to years of the child practicing back and forth rhythmic movement between attachment and separation from Mommy before the child internalizes the security of knowing that when Mommy goes away she always comes back. It is a belief system that is required in all human-beings and can only be established with consistent responses by the primary caregiving person - usually Mommy.That said, one singular time or event of leaving your child crying will likely not damage him. But, more than once become a real interruption in the continuity that children require.
On Sibling Bullying and a Cheating Husband, Father
Q. Dear Dr. Fran, my wife and I have five children–ages 5 to 13 years-old. Our oldest boy is extremely aggressive and seems to be taking his anger out on his 5-year-old brother. My wife thinks it’s no big deal just normal brotherly roughhousing. I am concerned. The 5-year-old is small and cannot defend himself. I work full time and my wife is a part-time teacher. Do you think I am over-reacting or do we have a real problem with our oldest and youngest boys? Simon U.A. Dear Simon: a new study out this week in the Journal Of Pediatrics addresses the findings from a national survey of children and their caregivers. It found that, just like bullying by peers, bullying by siblings causes significant mental distress and worsens the victims’ emotional health.Bottom line: The authors concluded that parents, pediatricians and the public should treat sibling aggression as potentially harmful, and not dismiss it as normal, minor, or even beneficial, and this message should be included in parenting education.Simon, you need to take your gut intuition seriously. There is a power differential between a 5-year-old and a 13- year-old. If you allow the little one to get pummeled he is likely to either become depressed or go to school and find a smaller child to displace his anger on.Talk to your wife and get a consultation from a qualified family therapist. Below are some of the warning signs of sibling bullying and steps parents can take to deal with it.• Child has expressed fear of being alone with sibling.• Parent has seen bruises and marks on the child (victim).• Powerful jealousy and hostilities have been repeatedly verbalized by the aggressor.• Aggressor has a fascination with fire or hurting animals. This is a precursor to developing a more serious personality disorder called sociopath.Steps Parents Can Take To Address It:1) Have an open family discussion about equal love for each of your children and establish zero-tolerance for hurting each other with our hands or our words.2) Define acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your family.3) Set clear firm rules and consequences for unacceptable behavior.4) Establish special time with each child individually to build upon trust and bonding. This also helps diminish sibling jealousy and rivalry. Q. Dear Dr. Fran, I think my husband of eight years is cheating on me. We have three children who are 8 and 4 years, and a six-month old baby. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I am not worried about money. I am scared to be a single mom and am angry, hurt, sad and feel deeply betrayed. I don’t know what to do or where to start. Please help me! Janet L.A. Dear Janet: this is a really rough one. You need to confront your husband and let him know you are onto his shenanigans. His reaction and response will be your first indicator of how this scenario will play out.What you want is for him to admit his mistake, feel/show genuine remorse, give you his word he will stop cheating for good immediately, and do his best to make it up to you.If, on the other hand, you bump into his defensive denial and resistance to be accountable, then you have an even greater problem because he is likely to repeat the offense.This is too big for you to deal with on your own. You need the support and guidance of a caring, skilled therapist as you move through this terribly painful experience.If your husband refuses to attend therapy and take responsibility for his actions then I strongly recommend you get a consultation from an experienced family law attorney to understand your financial and custodial rights in the event of dissolution of your marriage.
Five Reasons Why Cuddling Is Good For Couples
Q. Dear Dr. Fran, my husband stiffens and freezes every time I initiate hugging. The only time he is willing to snuggle is if it is foreplay that leads to sexual intercourse. I can’t help but feel rejected. What should I do to fix this? Marilyn H. A. Dear Marilyn, I can understand you feeling rejected. Your husband has difficulty with intimacy. This is not a sexual problem. It is one of closeness and attachment that probably stems from the kind of attachment he had to his mother and father.Each one of us has a comfort zone regarding closeness to other people. That includes a spouse and even children.Have a dialogue with your husband. Sometimes, bringing the issue out into the open can clear a pathway toward warmer closeness and intimacy.Here are five reasons why cuddling is good for couples. If after talking with your husband things don’t improve, reach out to a qualified couples therapist to determine if individual or couples therapy is indicated.• Reason 1: It Feels GoodCuddling releases oxytocin, which is also known as the feel-good hormone. It increases overall happy feeling.Cuddling can also release endorphins, which is the chemical released after a good workout or when you eat chocolate which contributes to that great feeling.• Reason 2: It Makes You Feel SexyThe most obvious benefit to cuddling is getting close to your partner in the physical sense. There is also the release of dopamine, which is an excitatory hormone that increases sexual desire.• Reason 3: It Reduces Stress and Blood PressureHugging, kissing, or more physical acts of touch increases oxytocin levels, which is a “bonding”’ hormone—this chemical reaction can help reduce blood pressure, which in turn reduces the risk of heart disease, but it can also help to reduce stress and anxiety.• Reason 4: It Bonds Women with Babies and PartnersCuddling is healthy for people because of the obvious factor of emotional attachment.Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that is closely linked to childbirth and breastfeeding, and a recent study shows it has a biological role in bonding between mother and baby.The study, led by Lane Strathearn, an assistant professor of pediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine, shows that women raised with insecure attachment themselves are more likely to have difficulty forming secure attachments with their children (and partners).”It’s healthy to want to be close. Too little or too much is not good. Observe and explore your own personal comfort zone. You will be a better communicator with your partner on how much feels good and when it gets too close for comfort. Your goal is to find a balance between your comfort zone and needs along with your partner’s.• Reason 5: It Helps You Communicate BetterMost people want to feel understood, and communication is the vehicle by which they transmit understanding and empathy. Non-verbal communication can be a powerful way to say to your partner, “I get you.” Cuddling is a way of saying, “I know how you feel.” It allows us to feel known by our partner in ways that words can’t convey.The Beverly Hills Courier, May 10, 2013
Ask A Private School Admissions Expert: Dr. Fran Walfish
What is the typical timeline for private school admissions? For example, outline a sample timetable of applications, interviews, decisions, etc.
Dr. Fran: There are 1,533 private schools in the Los Angeles County. In California, applications for private schools are in October and November. Acceptance/rejection/wait-list letters go out the second week of March. Interviews are held at various times in between. Parents experience a great deal of anxiety going through the process. In turn, they put their children through high levels of stress preparing, studying, taking classes and sample exams, getting ready for the Day of Judgment.What is the typical process admissions officers go through to evaluate applications? Dr. Fran: There is no typical process. Each admissions officer has their own way of evaluating applications. This is partly why parents’ anxiety goes through the roof. They ultimately have little to no control over how the process and outcome will go. Most schools look at whether there are one or two working parents, ethnicity (to include diversity), income, how many kids are in the family, references from previous preschool teachers/directors, and the child's medical and psychological (if applicable) history.What are the most important things children need to have represented on their applications? Dr. Fran: Flexibility is the most important thing a child should represent, both on their applications and in the personal interview. Flexibility includes how easily the child separates from parents, how well the child manages transitions/change, and how the child wrestles with conflict. Naturally, schools are looking at basic intelligence. Some schools place IQ higher on the priority list than others. Basically, schools want happy, healthy, energetic, motivated, well-behaved, wholesome children.What are common mistakes parents and/or their children make when applying to these programs? Dr. Fran: One of the common mistakes parents make is neglecting to evaluate the parent population in the school. You are not only evaluating the children as potential friends but moms and dads are also signing up for the next six years. Be sure there are other parents at the school you can relate and connect with. Too many times, children go to a school in which their parents feel on the outs with other families. Evaluate your happiness – as well as your child's. How should parents go about determining the culture of a private school, and whether it would be a good fit for their children? Dr. Fran: Parents should observe the school at a number of different times during various activities. Parents should also inquire with other parents whose children currently attend the school. Ask, ask, ask! How important are standardized test scores when admissions decisions are being made? Dr. Fran: Standardized test scores vary in importance from school to school. Scores must be reasonably high, but many schools understand and factor in test-anxiety. Some good schools evaluate the total child, meaning they look at test scores along with community service, sports endowment, and athleticism, math and writing skills.What tips do you have in regards to ISEE prep, SSAT prep, and preparation for other standardized assessments that private schools might require?Dr. Fran: Tip #1: Take the prep classes. Prep tutors are extremely helpful, too. Don't think just because your child is naturally smart he or she will ace the exams. These tests are very specific. It helps to be prepared for the type of questions and to practice speed. Encourage your child to eat well, exercise, and get plenty of rest during the preparation and actual testing process. Offer relaxation techniques including visualization and breathing exercises. These help your child relax and do his or her best. What are the most important things parents need to have well represented about themselves when meeting with admissions officers? Dr. Fran: It is very important to represent that both parents are on the same parenting page and united. Admissions officers are well practiced at observing non-verbal cues that communicate whether parents are together or not. Also, moms and dads should listen respectfully without interruptions during the meeting. Everyone's nerves are high when there is only so much time to get your ideas across. Both parents should position themselves as searching for the best fit for their child. Finally, the parents should declare that "this" school is their first choice. If the school thinks you are shopping for a backup acceptance and are likely to take another offer, they would prefer to avoid dealing with you. It is too much trouble for the school to wait-list another family and then when you accept an offer elsewhere they must reach out to the waiting family as a second choice.How does networking and having in-school connections affect one's chances of admission?Dr. Fran: Networking and having in-school connections can have a positive effect if the in-school family is wealthy, powerful, and has given generous contributions to the school. It is very sad but real. Rich families carry more weight in private schools. Fact.How can a student best prepare for admissions interviews? Dr. Fran: Parents should enlist the help of a kind, benign, adult who can role-play the interview process with your child. I have done this with many children and families in my private practice office. The reason it's best to not be the parent is because the results usually mean too much to parents. We do not want any child to feel they failed or disappointed their parents. Parents can, however, play the "What if's" game. This means to stimulate your child to think about unexpected situations. Ask questions like, "What will you do/say if you have to use the bathroom during the interview?"; "What will you do/say if you don't know the answer to a question?"; and so on. See what your child comes up with. Offer that there's nothing wrong with saying, "I don't know." Administrators respect a person who can admit not knowing.
How do I get my overachieving nine-year-old to relax?
My daughter remembered that she forgot to do her homework while brushing her teeth for bed. I said not to worry and that she could do it then. She starting crying and saying that she does everything wrong (her automatic response when anything goes wrong). Two days ago she got an 88 on a math quiz and started crying because she thought she was a failure, even though I told her I was still proud. I have never EVER put any emphasis on her grades, nor have I EVER expected perfection from her. Help!
Dear Mom, You sound like a warm, flexible, and very loving mother. First, let's be sure it is perfectionism that your nine-year-old is dealing with. Could it be that she fears her teacher's disapproval and anger? Does her father react when she fails with frustration or disappointment? Is there peer pressure within her class when other kids ask, "What did you get on the test?" If the answer to these questions is no then she may be a self-imposed perfectionist.Are there other areas in her life in which she supremely organizes (or attempts to) her environment? For instance, is her artwork filled with repeated patterns of colors, shapes, and figures? Does she line things up in categories of color, size, or height? Does she dress herself neat as a pin, or "without a hair out of place"?The bottom line is your daughter needs empathic narrative from you. The key is your vocal tone and body language when you say the following. Be sure to have genuine compassion in your voice. Say, "You know, Sweetie, I think sometimes it's hard to be you. You're so hard on yourself. You don't even give yourself a chance to misstep." Then, say nothing more. Watch her to see if your message seeps in. You should see her relax a bit and take a deep breath which is her way of letting go of some of the anxiety that keeps her wound up tight. The easier she can be on herself, the more she will be able to tolerate imperfection in others.We can't prevent life's inevitable letdowns and disappointments. The best we can do is equip our children with coping skills to deal with disappointments. Each time you let her wrestle with her own self-disapointment you give her an opportunity to grow. Remind her that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. And, we all need to accept ourselves -- flaws and all!
Parenting Things I Wish I Knew Sooner
1. How do you deal with separation anxiety?Dr. Fran: Separation anxiety comes from two root causes. One, either the parent (usually Mom) is over attached and does not nurture the separation process. Or two, mom or dad is “there” but isn’t accessible (detached or distracted) to the child so he or she feels emptiness. Mom needs to know she is okay without her baby and the child needs to know he or she is okay without mom.2. How do you learn to pick your battles when it comes to food?Dr. Fran: Never fight with your kids about what goes into their bodies or what comes out. I cannot tell you how many parents get stuck in two developmentally crucial areas – eating and pooping. (That’s why) girls get stuck with eating disorders and the boys get stuck in the pooping disorders. They are both anxiety based but quickly become control issues where the kid feels over controlled by the parent and, in the end, those are two body function control areas that the parent cannot win.3. How do you manage your own fatigue?Dr. Fran: Be sure to nourish and fortify yourself with individual time. Take a walk, listen to music, sit with your feet up and read a magazine. Do whatever makes you feel good and nourishes you. Get enough sleep, eat well, and have a confidant to talk to who will listen empathically without judgment. You need a person to talk to also.4. How do you strike a balance between your child’s personality and your own expectations?Dr. Fran: Every child is an individual and unique and parents need to adjust their expectations to each child’s capacity. For instance, if you have a kid with learning disabilities and fine motor weakness, your expectation of him doing handwriting work may be different from one of the kids who may not have the same weakness. You’ve got to adjust. Don’t expect your kid to do the adjusting, it’s the parent who needs to do the adjusting first and then your child will come to you to meet you in the middle.5. Being a parent is, perhaps, the most difficult job in the world. Why do we do this?Dr. Fran: In the unconscious mind there’s probably some thought about survival of the species. I really think, though, most people want to turn the clock around and “do it right this time.” They are trying to correct the wrongs that were done to them by their parents. Sadly, they either unconsciously repeat it without having walked that self-examination path or – the mistakes that were done to them they fix – but they make new ones that they regret. The answer to doing it right is a lot of work on one’s self. The better we know ourselves the better we can impart clearer messages to children.
How To Be A Good Parent
1. What do you do if you find that you sometimes don’t like your child?FW: Find some areas where you can empathize and identify with your child. Every child wants to feel understood. Sometimes parents see things in their children that remind them of themselves. You have to recognize this and accept your children, flaws and all.2. How do you make sure both parents are on the same page?FW: It’s common for moms and dads not to be on the same page. That old saying “opposites attract” applies to parenting too. Mom and dad might have different temperaments so you’ll need to find ways to have open and honest communication with your spouse. You need to talk about your shared values such as, “What do you value in people and in our families.” Talk about what you want to teach your kids. The likelihood is that you’ll have shared values like treating each other with kindness, and don’t hurt each other with our hands or our words. When you begin with shared values you can springboard to create mutually comfortable strategies for how to teach the children.3. How do you teach your children boundaries?FW: Each parent needs to balance two things at the same time. First, love and nurture. Second, setting and holding boundaries. Most of the parents I know are good at the first one and fall down somewhere in the boundaries. Where they fall down on boundaries is the follow through on taking action. Sometimes what you need to do is to take action that will trigger a temper tantrum (like turning off the TV) then empathically say, “I know it’s hard to stop doing something that’s fun” and then put your arms around your child to show empathy and help them settle down from the tantrum that just erupted while maintaining the boundaries.4. How do you teach your child to self-soothe?FW: Self-soothing begins at birth. What I suggest to moms, especially those who are breast feeding, is when you put the baby down to sleep, gently arouse the baby until they make eye contact and let the baby wrestle with the tossing and turning until they find that comfortable spot to go to sleep. The baby will find her thumb, a soft blanket or something that will help in the self-soothing process.5. How do you determine what’s appropriate autonomy and when?FW: It’s healthy for parents to develop their children’s autonomy and independence. Parents should reward every increment in your child’s autonomy and self-reliance with increments of more freedom and independence. Your child may, for example, want to go to the mall with his or her friends. Your child must demonstrate that they have the discipline to go to the mall responsibly by doing other things such as their homework, chores, always telling the parents the truth, and those behaviors get rewarded with allowing him or her the chance to go to the mall.AsianParent.com Malaysia edition.
Aging Parents: Family Feuds Over Care: Where's the brother-sister love?
Remember the old family feuds over who got the bigger piece of cake or who got to play with the Legos? Ah, brother-sister love.The stakes are higher when it comes to disagreements over caring for aging parents.
Can John boss Jane around and demand she spend a week with mom after her knee surgery? Can he tell her she should cancel a trip with her own kids because he wants her to hang out with their sick dad instead?Only one in 10 caregivers say family members share responsibility equally and without conflict, according to a study by the AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving.How can you and your siblings do better?Put a parent's wishes first. Unless mom suffers from dementia, let her decide, says Nashua, N.H., psychologist Carl Hindy, co-author of If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? "It's not a democracy where they all get a vote. It's up to her! If the parent is competent, the parent's wishes should be paramount."Compromise and try to get along with your brothers and sisters. Otherwise, your parent pays the price. "Not only is she trying to face her own medical issues, but now she has to take care of her kids, too," says Hindy. "She has to worry about whether she seems to be siding with one or the other, or coming between them. For most parents that's the last thing they'd want. They want their children to be close and support one another."Don't be bossy. "Suggest rather than direct," says Beverly Hills, Calif., psychotherapist Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent. "How would this feel to you? Would that work?' Use questions to give the person a sense they have a voice." Be flexible, she says. "Can we work this out where I really want to give a week, but that week won't work so well for me?"Make other siblings feel a plan is their idea. "It has to be presented with a question," says Walfish. "'What's your thought about what would work for you?' "They have to feel you're accommodating them – their schedule and their needs."Come up with a backup plan. "You cannot always depend on the siblings," says Walfish. For ideas on hiring help, visit sites such as Eldercare Locator.Don't pre-judge a sibling. "Things can quickly go in familiar old directions," says Hindy. "One is expected to be 'controlling,' another 'selfish,' another 'doesn't listen,' etc."Communicate as a group. Use technology to talk about important issues, especially if a parent is no longer mentally competent. "Most cell phones can add additional parties to a call, and people can Skype together, or interact in real time with text messaging or Facebook private messages," says Hindy. "So let's try to do that, rather than play the old game of 'telephone' where messages get distorted. And they're even more prone to distortion when there's a lot of emotional involved."Plan regular meetings. Hindy suggests three agenda items: medical status, the parent's needs and wishes, and the family's needs and wishes. "Let's all acknowledge that each of these categories is legitimate and important — but they're not the same," he says. "If we at least categorize our discussions in these three compartments, and I understand that this is neater in the abstract than in reality, we can be more appropriately sensitive to everyone's needs and wishes. If we are acknowledging them as our needs and wishes, rather than interjecting it as a medical idea or 'for mother's good,' there will be more understanding — better communication, less tension and arguing."Do the right thing. That may mean you spend more than your fair share of time with your aging parent. Lucky you! "Everybody has to figure out what works for them and their own conscience," says Walfish. "Am I left with a feeling of regret, or did I do as much as I could?"What family feuds? Here's to brother-sister love. Family.lifegoesstrong.com
Is pulling down Mom's PJs a joke, or should it be taken more seriously?
My eight-year-old girl sometimes pulls down my pjs when I'm getting ready. The other day, she did it in the kitchen, where we have lots of windows! My husband scolded her, sent her to take a shower, and said "Mommy is not your friend, don't ever do that again." Then told me, "You're not her friend, act like her mother. Ask your mother or any other mother if they would allow this." She told me she was just trying to make me laugh. How do I handle this behavior and frankly, my husband?
Dear Mom, your 8 year-old daughter's behavior is not age-appropriate. Taking her at her word, let's assume she was just "trying to make you laugh." Pulling down Mom's pajamas is an immature way to strike humor. On the other hand, your husband scolding her and sending her to take a shower is harsh, shaming, and negatively impacts her developing self-esteem.
It is quite possible that your daughter is curious about bodies and nudity. Still, it is not good for her to take away a permissive message from you.
Bottom line, this is a boundary issue. Both you and your husband need to be on the same page. Clearly tell your eight-year-old that bodies are private. No one should touch or see hers, or yours. Tell her it is normal and natural to be curious about what bodies look like without clothes. She has already seen Mommy naked and knows what Mom looks like so she does not need to continue this immature behavior.
Offer her acceptable ways she can make you laugh. She can tell you a funny story or say, "Look at me, Mom", if she wants your attention. Firmly add, "No more pulling down pajamas."
Tell your husband that is enough. No need to send her to shower which risks her feeling dirty and ashamed of what is likely simply immature behavior.
Dr. Fran Walfish, Parents.com "Ask The Experts", 3/13/13.
What Youth Can Take Away From the Fall of Lance Armstrong
Lance Armstrong recently admitted in exclusive and extensive interview with Oprah Winfrey that he repeatedly used banned illegal dopePersonally choosing Winfrey for his “big reveal,” Armstrong answered numerous questions and revealed truths that many have longed to know.For example, the once beloved cyclist told Winfrey that he had used banned illegal dope and other drugs throughout his career. In fact, doping had played a major role in all seven of his Tour de France triumphs.Yet Armstrong noted, that at the time of his big wins, he never felt guilt or shame in using the illegal dope.To many critics, during his interview, Armstrong lacked any remorse for his previous actions.However, it seemed that he did feel terrible about the impact that his actions have had on his family. For instance, Armstrong held back tears as he talked about having to tell his son that the rumors about his cheating were true. He told his son: “Don’t defend me anymore.”It is clear that the repercussion of Armstrong’s actions will greatly impact the rest of life. So what can society–especially youth and young adults–take away from Armstrong’s actions?Dr. Fran Walfish, who is Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent told RIZZARR that youth and young adults can learn a lot about how lying, cheating, and greed will eventually lead to one’s destruction.She believes that primary take away from Lance Armstrong’s actions of cheating and lying is to always tell the truth. By doing so, anyone will avoid trouble at all costs.“If you lie, you will forever be hiding and running from the truth,” Walfish told RIZZAR. “When you’re caught, it can end your career — whatever field you are in.”Walfish said that truth will always come out eventually. For Lance, “his truth” was greatly revealed during the interview.“What we see exposed is Lance’s self-proclaimed arrogance, defiance, and fierce ambition to “win” at any cost,” she said. “As an experienced psychologist, I see through Lance’s emotional thinking and it’s clear he has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The main defining trait is that he lacks the computer chip in his internal character organization to imagine the impact of his own behavior on others. He felt entitled with no remorse about the unfair leg up he stole over his competition.”Even during his confessions, Walfish noted Lance did not look like he felt guilt. In her opinion, he simply looked ashamed about getting caught: “A Narcissist will always shoot himself in the foot at the hands of his own greed. “She concluded her thoughts by saying that she hopes youth and young adults will realize that the truth will always eventually be revealed. The way to rise to the top –and to stay there– is to live by honesty.
Instant Gratification
Do you ever have one of those episodes with your children where you wonder, “When is he going to stop doing this?” Your child does something weird, aggravating, or just won’t grow out of a phase? Wish you had someone there to give you the help and advice you’re seeking? Well, your in luck. Breezy Mama is very excited to introduce our Question of the Day piece. A simple (ha!) parenting question with the answer you need. Even more exciting is who will be doing the answering. . . Dr. Fran Walfish, who is an Expert in Parents Magazine’s “Ask Our Experts” column, has agreed to become our “Question of the Day” expert! So send us your questions (alex@breezymama.com) and Dr. Walfish will answer it in a future Breezy post. Now on to today’s question. . .When do children understand that they can’t have “instant gratification”? For example, while in the car, my 4 year old daughter asked to have a snack. I replied that I didn’t have any food with me, yet she kept asking, over and over again, working herself up into a tantrum. What advice can you give for this?Children need to be introduced to the concept of “delayed gratification” in the early toddler phase which kickstarts at 18 months. They must practice wrestling with the experience of “delayed gratification” dozens and dozens of times before they understand they can’t have “instant gratification”. We do not expect a child to demonstrate and master “delayed gratification” until they are at least 4 years-old. The way to teach a child to wait for what they want is through empathic narration. If a child wants the red ball her preschool friend is playing with she might grab it. The best way to respond is with empathic narration which is talking out loud about what she wants and feels. You might say (in a genuinely empathic tone of voice), ”You want the red ball and right now Sally is holding it. It’s hard to wait for your turn. You get mad when you can’t have the red ball.” Watch your child’s intensity decrease. She may not calm immediately but you will see her come down a notch. Then, you can offer alternatives. For instance, you can say “Let’s go find the blue ball to play with while you wait for Sally to finish her turn and give you the red ball.”
Your question poses a bit of added factors – hunger and fatigue. When your child is hungry and asking for a snack it’s extra hard to wait. Hunger can lower blood sugar and make tired, as well. She repeated her demand for “instant gratification” of food over and over which was her way of telling you she couldn’t take no for an answer. Each time she demanded food it reminded her of what she was not getting. Her anger and frustration is what escalated into the tantrum. Once you have an out-of-control 4 year-old you must first help her settle down. Pull the car over and turn off the ignition for safety. Join her in the backseat of the car and hold her physically and supportively to contain her. This helps her keep a lid on her rage. Tell her you understand she is mad at Mommy for not having food and snacks in the car. Encourage her to tell you about her strong feelings. Let her know that next time you will be sure to keep a stash of snacks in the car.
When Your Child Pal Offends
THE PARENT'HOOD, THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
When your child's pal offends
Your daughter's pal throws around the word 'retard' a lot. Is it OK to speak up?
 Your child's pal uses an offensive word (Eric Herchaft, Getty Images / December 6, 2012) |
By Heidi Stevens, Tribune NewspapersDecember 19, 2012
Parent adviceFrom our panel of staff contributorsNot just OK, but mandatory, especially in your earshot and/or under your roof; silence can be interpreted as tacit approval. Depending on the age, you might interject with "Whoa, that's really not a nice word; you can really hurt people's feelings that way." Ratchet up as the severity or frequency if the usage continues. If the pal is older, you can explain that there are people with developmental disabilities and that holding them up to ridicule, even indirectly, is cruel. You're not really just talking to your daughter's friend; you're also letting your daughter know where you draw the line.— Phil VettelEmphasize how hurtful and cruel it is to kids who, through no fault of their own, are different. A lot of kids just go along with their peers using words like "retard" without understanding what they really mean. It's a parent's job to explain that these words — especially popular among boys are crude expressions for homosexual — aren't just silly slang. And if she continues, continue to correct her.— Ellen WarrenHaving a zero-tolerance household for slurs and other bad behavior is a good idea. We're of the mind that all of our kids' friends are welcome in our house, but when they exhibit bad behavior, we don't hesitate to correct them with the same rules we impose on our kids. It falls under the "not in my house" rule. I take the kid aside to avoid embarrassment and say something like, "Can I talk to you for a sec? We don't use that word here because it hurts people, like a punch, and we don't let stuff like that happen in our house, OK?" Then release him back into the wild.— Michael ZajakowskiExpert adviceIt's both OK and important to speak up, says family therapist Fran Walfish, author of "The Self-Aware Parent" (Palgrave MacMillan).Equally important is your tone."Your job, as the adult in the situation, is not to blame or judge or be punitive or harsh," says Walfish. "You want to have an almost benign tone of voice."This will set the stage for the little offender — and your own child — to actually hear your message, rather than bury it in a pile of embarrassed defenses."What I would say is, in a very compassionate tone, 'I get it. That's how your friends talk. But in our house we have the rule that we don't hurt each other with hands or words. Those words can be hurtful to some people, and in our house we don't take that chance,' " Walfish suggests. "Then leave it at that. Only say, 'And you're only welcome in our house when you don't use that word' if she keeps using the word over and over."If your child's friend is directing derogatory words at your child, you can alter your approach a bit to help her see the impact of her language."You position yourself as a mediator," says Walfish. "Your first question is to your own child, 'Hey, how do you feel when your friend calls you that?' You want to empower the receiver of the hostility and encourage her to tell the other child how she feels. Then you explain to the friend that in your house, it's a rule that you don't hurt each other with hands or words."Tone remains critical in both cases."You can't be sarcastic," Walfish says. "You can't be mean or seem overprotective. You're just being clear: This is how it is. That language has to stop."Have a solution? Is it OK to sneak your kids' old toys away to charity when they're not looking? Find "The Parent 'Hood" page on Facebook, where you can post your parenting questions and offer tips and solutions for others to try.
Boys and Fathers Relationships
1) Define some various relationship patterns between boys and their dad’s.
* Healthy Attachment - Dad is interested and well-engaged with his son. When Dad gazes at his son his eyes beam adoringly.* Detached Father - Father is not there. Either Dad and Mom have archaic assigned roles that Dad is the breadwinner while Mom is the primary custodial parent, or Dad's personality is limited by an inability to emotionally connect.* Unavailable Father - Dad is there but focused on other things. He is not readily available to warmly respond consistently to his son's needs.* Sports Dad - Father is intensely into sports and can only relate to his son on an athletic level, both as spectator and active participant.* Disciplinarian Father - This dad has entered into a usually unspoken agreement that Mom is the nurturer while Dad is positioned in the family as the disciplinarian. This family dynamic causes serious problems in the kids when they go through adolescence.
2) Our focus is on attachment in how it relates to child development. Can you provide examples/insight on the attachment levels between boys and dads? We would like to look at both healthy attachments and unhealthy attachments.
From birth to 12 months of age, the primary psychological goal for every boy (and girl) is bonding or developing a strong, secure, healthy attachment to Mommy. Daddy takes a backseat to Mommy during this first important phase of developing Trust and Security within the newborn infant. At age 12 months, most infants begin to stand and take their first steps. This begins and lifelong Separation Process. Age 18 months kickstarts the crucial toddler phase of development. From 18 months to 4 years of age toddlers are in Rapprochement. I believe this is the most critical stage of human development. The following crucial goals including Self-Declaration (I am "me" - not you); self-feeding; self-soothing; toilet-training; delayed gratification; frustration tolerance; language and motor skills; and sexual identification - all must be practiced and established by every child by age 4 years. Little boys are facilitated and help in both potty training and sexual/gender identification by showering/bathing with Daddy, wrestling, tossing a ball back-and-forth, and playing running, chase, and tag games. If Daddy is absent or unavailable, a warm empathic and fun uncle, grandfather, or Mom's buddy can step into this needed role. During Latency Phase (7-12 years of age), boys need their dads to rough-house, wrestle, do sports, and talk with. Teens need more of the same. Also key is that sons are carefully observing their fathers with laser-sharp radar. Dads need to know they are the model for how and what their sons will become.
3) How does over-attachment affect a child’s development? (Boys, specifically)
Over-attachment to Daddy in boys (and girls) is highly unusual. It is more common for boys to become overly-attached to their mothers. An over-attachment is unhealthy because both parent and child become too inter-dependent on each other. In worst case scenarios a Symbiotic Relationship develops in which neither child nor parent can function without the other. Parents need to understand and adopt the belief that separation, self-reliance, and independence are the goals for every child. You must praise every increment in your sons and daughters toward moving out into the world independently. If you need to hold tight to your son or daughter this is worthy of self-examination to raise your awareness and not put this onto your kids.
4) How is a child’s child development affected if there is no attachment (boys specifically)?
If there is no attachment to the father sons can find the necessary traits required for clear self-identification in another warm, empathic male who can buddy-up or mentor the boy child. If, however, there is no, or limited, attachment to the mother very serious personality/characterological problems may develop. The child is at risk of becoming a sociopath because in the early months and years he had no warmly attuned parent to consistently respond to his cries and needs. The child learns the world is not a safe place and grows to emerge without a conscience or guilt. He feels entitled to things he was gypped out of during childhood.Many boys are raised by a single mom and turn out just fine. Moms can parent effectively and well without a male partner or spouse. The key is to find the right men who will be present in the growing son's life on a consistent basis over a long period of time. Continuity is crucial to imprint the child's identity.
Self-Esteem
*What is your expertise and how long have you been an expert in it?
I am expert in children (ages 0-18 years), families, couples, and all relationships. I have been expert for over 25 years on clinical staff at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and in private practice.*What is self-esteem, exactly?Self-esteem as defined in Webster's dictionary means how one values or regards themselves. In my world of psychology, self-esteem is impacted by many factors. How our mothers and fathers relate to us directly impacts our sense of ourselves. For instance, if you had a father who was harshly critical of you on a repeated basis, then you (the child) take in (introject) the judgmental, harshly critical, punitive self-judge. This is one of the many dynamics that assault a person's self-esteem. If, for example, you had a loving, nurturing mother, you have a good likelihood of introjecting the loving supportive aspect of your mother which fortifies your self-esteem. Self-esteem is strengthened by our own accomplishments and achievements. A prerequisite for building a solid foundation of self-esteem is for the individual to establish their own autonomy and independence from their parents. Only after healthy separation is established can we truly begin to feel good about ourselves. How we treat other people, establishing our own careers/income, and having warm, healthy relationships are all solid contributors to our evolving self-esteem.*How does what society says is good, right, and beautiful color our self-esteem? Is this always a negative thing? Please explain.Some of the messages in our society and current culture sabotage a person's self-esteem. For instance, print magazines and the media portray beauty as being thin. Any female who had a harshly critical parent may beat herself up for not physically matching society's image of attractive. Society places too much emphasis on external beauty and not enough focus on internal beauty including character, values, morals, and the way we treat each other.*How much of self-esteem is what we have internalized from outside messages (we’ve drunk the Kool Aid), and how much of it is from what we really are and feel?I treat many patients who had "good-enough" parents. Yet, they were mistreated badly by their peers in school. They were excluded, teased, and bullied. These experiences negatively affect a person's self-esteem. Everyone wants to belong to a group. When kids are rejected by their peers these feelings of undesirability are internalized. For instance, I have treated beautiful tall, thin women who could be models. They are beautiful! Yet, in childhood they were brutally teased and called names for being too tall and too thin. Many of these women are self-conscious with low self-esteem. It doesn't match how beautiful they look on the outside because they value themselves as "less than." One can have low self-esteem in one area of their life while having high self-esteem in other areas. A person can feel genuinely great about themselves in work/career and, at the same time, feel bad about their appearance.*How do people with high self-esteem and those with low self-esteem behave differently? Does behavior function to enhance or detract from self-esteem? How so? Please explain.People with high self-esteem never brag or show-off. They are not shaken if other people disagree with their point of view. They remain clear and confident in their own ideas and opinions. They have a sturdy core and a sunny disposition. People who are angry, critical, and mean do not have high self-esteem. People with low self-esteem tend to boast and put-down others. Many people with low self-esteem apologize for their behavior when they have done nothing wrong. This is as a defense against people being angry at them. People with low self-esteem can't bear to be the target someone's anger or rage. Some people with low self-esteem look sad and walk with a low posture. These folks have chronic low self-esteem which can lead to depression, in some cases.*How do people with high self-esteem and those with low self-esteem manifest behavior in any of the same ways?Self-esteem can go in waves. Everyone feels good about themselves and sometimes bad about themselves. There are some parallels in the behaviors of people with high self-esteem and those with low self-esteem. For example, people with high self-esteem are kind and generous to others - just because that's who they are. People with low self-esteem can be observed as kind and generous to others, but it's because they want to be liked. Their behavior is the same as people with high self-esteem (who are relaxed) but their motivation is anxiety driven.*Do the people in your life affect your self-esteem? How so? Please explain and provide examples, if possible.The goal for all people is to have a solid, sturdy self-esteem that is not shaken, nor collapses, based on how people in their lives treat them. How we feel about ourselves should remain primary. This is easier said than done. When we are kind, generous, fair, and empathic to others this is the foundation of our self-esteem. Also, our own personal and professional accomplishments build upon the foundation that is established in human relatedness. Of course, all of us care deeply about the people in our lives. But, when the other person's opinion takes precedence over our own, or when we emotionally collapse under the pressure of someone else's opinion this is a problem that needs professional help to deal with.*How can someone begin to improve his/her self-esteem? Are there any easy exercises?Changing one's self-esteem requires work and a great deal of motivation. To improve your self-esteem you must first replace the harsh self-judge with a benign self-observer. The harsh self-judge is called the Superego. The person has developed too much conscience, guilt, and feeling of "I am bad." To establish a benign self-judge, you must first turn up the volume of self-awareness. Each time you notice yourself being hard or self-critical you need to gently shrug your shoulders and think, "Oops, there I go again." You are exchanged criticism with gentle acceptance. No one is perfect. You must accept yourself - flaws and all!*Can changing personal appearance in healthy ways enhance self-esteem? How so? When does it become unhealthy?Changing personal appearance in healthy ways can enhance self-esteem. For instance, if someone accepts all of who they are except for their over-sized or crooked nose, then by all means it's fine to have a nose-job (cosmetic surgery). I have known many women and some men, too, who have positively impacted their self-esteem when they corrected or improved their physical appearance. The danger or risk is with two things. First, if they only focus on their outside appearance and neglect to also work on how they feel about themselves on the inside. The second danger is if cosmetic surgery becomes an obsessive compulsive pattern. I treat some women who are addicted to going under the knife to continually change their appearance. The folks have very low self-esteem and need professional help to focus on the inside emotionally. Just remember, self-esteem emerges and builds as a process. It is not an overnight sensation. Make a lifelong commitment to be kind to yourself as well as compassionate and kind to others.