CREATING TRADITIONS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Just like when it comes to myths such as Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy many parents want to carry on the tradition of fun by nurturing a gentle belief in these myths when their kids are young, so can dating and married couples establish and build traditions in their relationships. For example, this is Academy Awards Weekend. I have made it a personal meaningful tradition every year to make my homemade fried veal chops and watch the Oscars telecast with my friends! Mark special dates and events by creating foods, activities, or places visited to re-enact and relive the meaning and feeling of your original experience. It will bond you deeper and closer to your partner and friends.
When Is It Okay To Shame A Child?
The single and absolute only time that it is proper to inject shame into your child is when he or she steals, lies, and refuses to own up accountability for her actions. In general, all other public humiliations of a child are destructive and counter-productive.Accountability is the antidote to stealing and lying. In other words, a child must own up to their actions and behaviors in order for truth-telling to become their new norm. The problem is that when a person begins lying and gets away with it, the lying can become a habit. It is key to deal with the lying behavior immediately. Don't let time drag on. Swift response does not mean harsh reaction. If you react with anger or rage, your child's lying will increase and go underground meaning become secretive. As soon as you discover the lie or stealing, take your child face to face to the person he stole from and have him admit that he “took it (specifically say what “it” is), and that it was wrong and he will not do it again. Have him apologize in his own words in a tone of voice that sounds genuine. If your child sounds like he doesn’t mean it and just says “Sorry” to get you off his back, have him repeat his apology repeatedly until he sounds like it’s sincere.The most important thing between two people is to feel trust and security. Add that it makes a person feel safe when you know they will always tell you the truth. You can count on them and that's a good feeling. That's why telling the truth ALL the time matters so very much. Your goal is to have open, honest communication. Whatever the truth is - you want to know it!What is required is re-establishing a benign self-observing conscience, or self-judge. The psychology clinical term is Superego. Some people are raised by a harshly critical mother, father, or both. When this occurs, the individual may take in, or Introject, a harsh Superego. This means the person may be extremely hard on themselves, self-judging, and self-critical. It may be in the area of body image, intelligence, competence, attractiveness, or any area of self-functioning. Either way, it's nearly impossible to go from harshly self-critical to super positive. In a case where a child needs a good injection or tablespoon of conscience, or Superego, the hope is for him to not become overly self-critical but rather to develop a filter that stops him from doing the wrong thing.
- FRAN'S TOP TIPS TO AVOID LYING
- Commit to the belief that obstacles and disappointments in your life are opportunities to grow.
- Do not try to sweep away, avoid, or protect yourself or your child from wrestling with a challenge.
- Be brutally honest with yourself to own what your feelings are.
- Define your boundaries. Know where your comfort zone is and be prepared to clearly and kindly articulate this when someone crosses the line.
- Work on expressing anger when you feel it in the moment. Don't be afraid to say it. It's much better to be a straight-shooter than a dishonest person.
- Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know." You can always come back and answer later but you can't erase a lie told.
- Always be curious and open enough to look within and become more self-aware.
- Be kind and nice to others.
- Do not strive for perfection. Be "good enough."
- We cannot shield ourselves from hurdles. The best we can do is give ourselves coping skills to deal with all that will come our way.
- Praise every increment toward your independence and take pride, as you should, in growing outward into the world.
TERROR ATTACK IN MANCHESTER
Talking about terrorism: tips for parentsChildren are exposed to news in many ways, and what they see can worry them. Our advice can help you have a conversation with your child:* Listen carefully to a child’s fears and worries. Instead of shoving too much anxiety-provoking information and reassurance into your kids, ask them what they heard about the Arianna Grande concert in Manchester, England.* Offer honest clarification and comfort.* Avoid complicated and worrying explanations that could be frightening and confusing.* Help them find advice and support to understanding distress events and feelings.* Be sure to monitor your own feelings, affect, emotional temperature, and cues you may unintentionally give to your kids. If you are anxious, they will be, too.One of the most challenging issues triggered by a terrorist attack is the feeling of lack of control over our life. Empower your kids by suggesting three (3) things. 1) suggest that your teen write letters to families affected by the Manchester attacks. This is therapeutic to your child by expelling and expressing powerful feelings. 2) if your child wants to donate and help the families, suggest a Bake Sale and contributing the proceeds to an aid organization. 3) keep lines of communication open with your tween and teen. Talking is the glue that holds people bonded together.It’s also important to address bullying and abuse following the terrorist attacks.Some children may feel targeted because of their faith or appearance . Look for signs of bullying, and make sure that they know they can talk with you about it. Often children might feel scared or embarrassed, so reassure them it's not their fault that this is happening, and that they can always talk to you or another adult they trust. Alert your child’s school so that they can be aware of the issue.Dealing with offensive or unkind comments about a child’s faith or backgroundIf you think this is happening, it’s important to intervene. Calmly explain that comments like this are not acceptable. Your child should also understand that someone’s beliefs do not make them a terrorist. Explain that most people are as scared and hurt by the attacks as your child is. You could ask them how they think the other child felt, or ask them how they felt when someone said something unkind to them. Explain what you will do next, such as telling your child's school, and what you expect them to do.
Art Therapy Useful in Psychotherapy?
Art therapy is an extremely respected form of psychotherapy and analysis. I utilize crayons and paper, large and small, by having children, families, and even adult couples draw and color as a tool to dig deep and get inside the minds of each individual patient. For instance, if it is a couple or family drawing, the way a person uses the space and whether they go into the boundaries lines of the other person's territory on the paper may indicate control in the relationship. Also, specific color choices reveal psychological information to the therapist. For example, the color black indicates depression and deep sadness. Excessive use of the color red may indicate anger and rage (ie: fire). Clouds and raindrops might show sadness with tears. Bright, sunny yellow, pink, and green often reflect joy and a happy state of mind. Beware Parents: Do not make the mistake of telling your kids to stop using black and red crayons. This will not erase internal emotional states. But rather, know that art is a viable pathway into understanding better what your child feeling on the inside.
Santa Scares Some Kids
Some children, especially kids under the age of 5 years, may get upset and cry by a visit to Santa. The reason is because of the costume, mask, makeup, false beard, rosy cheeks, and deep "Ho, ho, ho" voice used by Santa. Toddlers have not yet mastered the concept of Object Constancy. It is hard for a young child to imagine that a human man can remain a human person while wearing a costume. In other words, the toddler sees Santa in his costume and believes Santa is a walking and talking alien in a costume. The child doesn't understand that Santa is a real person who went in the other room and put a costume disguise on. A smaller percentage of children who may have an undiagnosed learning disability or perceptual problem may have a fear reaction to Santa Claus because of the visual perceptual distortion in Santa's mask and make up. If your child is upset, afraid or cries when visiting Santa don't force the visit. Instead, comfort your young child. Be sure you cozy up, put arm around your child, and give your child permission to express his fears and anger at you for taking him to see Santa before he was ready. Tell him you won't do that again. Next time you will "ask" him if he wants to visit Santa. If he says no you will respect his wishes. An attuned sensitive parent follows her child's lead.
Dr. Fran Top 3 Tips for Parenting Teens
"Dr. Fran Top 3 Tips for Parenting Teens"
- Parents need to create and nurture open, honest pathways of communication with their teens. This begins in the early childhood years by always telling your kids the truth as a model and expectation for them to do the same. This means parents must encourage healthy expression of their child's powerful feelings, including anger, respectfully and directly expressed to Mom or Dad. Most parents are afraid of their kid's rage and avoid or squelch it. When you give permission for natural feelings of anger your child feels seen, validated, understood, and accepted by you - flaws and all!
- Reward your teen's responsible behavior with small increments of additional freedom. Adolescents want autonomy and independence. After all, the psychological goal of this adolescence parallels toddlerhood in that your teen must now resolve the separation she claimed from you from age 18 months to 4 years-old when she was saying no and having normal temper tantrum. So now, when she shows you excellent punctual school attendance, good study habits, consistently fine grades, and dependable responsible rule following, reward her with a 30-minute later curfew on Saturday night out with her friends.
- Always remember: Teenagers hate to be 'told' what to do. Drop any tone of over-directing or control in your tone of voice and replace it with warmth, clarity, and even inject a bit of humor. You'll get much further with your teen if you state your expectations not as commandments but as gentle facts. Dr. Fran Walfish, psychotherapist, author, and expert panelist on 'Sex Box', WE tv premiering in the US early 2015.
RESEARCH FINDS THAT HAPPY CHILDREN COME OUT OF ALL TYPES OF FAMILY COMBINATION
I have long speculated the same findings of a new study published just this week that states: "It doesn't matter whether a child lives with a single parent or two bio parents or with a parent and a stepparent--as long as the family relationship is strong the child will be happy. Good relationships with siblings, no bullying at school also contribute." In order to be a good parent, one must be comfortable balancing two things at the same time - love/nurture and limits/boundaries. Each parent must be emotionally available to the child with continuity (no breaches or disruptions caused by travel or regular fighting). Emotionally available means the parent follows the child's lead with interest and curiosity and praises every increment in the child toward his or her autonomy and independence. These are some of the primary ingredients required to raise happy wholesome thriving children. Always remember Tip #1 - Be kind to your child. That's a given to most of us but we are living in stressful times. People are tugged in many different directions with tight financial strains and overhead. Don't make your child pay the price.
I have seen many single moms raise happy, healthy wonderful children. That said, it is important to recognize that every boy and girl wants (and needs) a male and female influence to identify with a respected idealized same sex figure. If there is no father in the home, sign your child up for Big Brothers of America or encourage your child to develop and build a relationship with an uncle, grandfather, or coach in order to complete his own male self-identification.
DR. FRAN'S "7 SECRETS" OF HAPPY PEOPLE:
- 1. Give up trying to control other people, especially your partner.
- 2. Praise every increment in yourself toward independence and moving outward into the world. Cherish your ability to stand on your own.
- 3. View people as good until they demonstrate otherwise. Most people are good. Those who are not will reveal themselves in time and you can weed out the ones who are not worthy of your trust.
- 4. Do not strive for perfection. Be "good enough."
- 5. Build self-esteem toward self and others by using words that support and motivate with empathy, rather than criticize.
- 6. Express your feelings in the moment. Do not allow anger and disappointment to build up inside you. Say what you feel clearly and respectfully. It will free you.
- 7. Give yourself Special Time. Take 10-15 minutes each day to be with yourself and chill. You'd be surprised how challenging this is when you have a spouse, children, and clients tugging at you 24/7. Give yourself short, undivided, positive attention each day for nourish and fortify you.
Woody Allen: Guilty or Not? Did He Molest 7 Year-old Dylan?
We may never know the truth about what happened between Woody Allen and his former girlfriend, Mia Farrow's adopted then 7 year-old daughter, Dylan. It seems Americans today love to judge. The majority of women under age 30 years think Allen molested the child. Others, especially Woody's Hollywood friends, including Barbara Walters and Diane Keaton, have gone public declaring their support of him.As the leading child psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, I believe the voice of the child. At age 7, Dylan said he sexually molested her. Kids don't make this up. Sex is not in the realm of a child's fantasy. It either happened to her or she saw something that planted the idea in her head. At the time of Dylan's allegations, the Court decided not to proceed with the investigation as it would traumatize the child. Woody Allen committed the cardinal sin. He took naked photographs of, and became sexually involved with the adopted minor child of the woman who bore his children, Mia Farrow. To the child, Soon-Yi, Woody was a second father figure. Take one hard look at the face of Dylan Farrow today. Hers is the face of trauma and abuse.If Dylan Farrow were my child patient and told me that her mother's boyfriend touched her inappropriately I would explore and examine. If I believed it to be true, I'd report it. All that's required is reasonable suspicion and this child's voice, now an adult, has certainly convinced me of that.
COUPLES WHO HAVE DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES
* When is it important for parents with different parenting styles to be in agreement: for big things like safety, discipline, religion, etc.? Why or why not?
In general, most parents agree on issues. It's their different styles of delivery the message that causes problems. Very often one parent is harshly angry while the other is soft and loosy-goosey. Conflict and chaos brews and the children's anxiety rises. This is a perfect cocktail for future acting-out behaviors in the children. When I treat parents with polarized styles of implementing discipline, unless they change and get on the same page, I see their children emerge with out-of-control behaviors, emotional problems, and delinquency. These are kids who need a therapeutic boarding school in order to get the proper balance of nurturing and boundaries.* Is it okay for parents to disagree on small matters? Yes, of course it is natural for parents to disagree on small matters like whether showers are taken before or after dinner or whether the child is given $5. versus $7. for lunch money. Optimally, it's best if parents can come together and deliver one message. But, it is very important that parents do not criticize or blame the other parent. Kids need to know parents support each other, love each other, and are a united team.* How do parents with opposing views agree on big issues? Are there strategies that you recommend?Each parent must respect the other. Even though you may disagree on views, opinions, and issues you must have basic respect for your spouse's love of the child(ren) and integrity. Without this, there is a crack in the foundation of the marital relationship and the risk of collapse of the family unit. Have open, honest dialogue with your partner to see where and on which points you can join together. Do not hesitate to consult a marriage counselor or therapist to deal with these very important issues.* What about divorced parents who have different parenting styles? How can they reach a consensus about important topics, or should they agree to disagree?Sadly, most divorces are contentious. More often than not, divorced parents do things in very different ways. In the best of situations, it is wonderful for the kids when their divorced parents have two similarly functioning households. Usually that is not the case which is often the reason why divorce occurred in the first place. Sadly, this is one of the realities children must face and deal with. It is best for the parents to agree to disagree and to explain it to the children honestly by saying something like, "At Mommy's house bedtime is earlier than at Daddy's" or "Yes, I know Daddy lets you eat candy at lunchtime but Mommy doesn't do that." The key is to not allow your child to pin you against the other in order to get what they want - you to change your rules. It is a reality that most divorces leave two different sets of rules in two different houses. Of course, it's always best to have one united set of rules, expectations, and discipline strategies.* How should parents discuss their differing styles with their children, if approached?Most younger age children do not confront the differing styles in their parents - they react to them. The wider the gap between parents the more serious the emotional and behavioral problems in the kids. Some teens will point to their parents' differing parenting styles. If approached, always be honest and accountable with your children. Own up to your end. The kids know the truth anyway! They live with you. Be a good role-model for being truthful and taking responsibility for your own behavior.* What if the children always approach one parent for help or permission because he/she is the friendlier or more lenient parent? In this way, differences in parenting styles may affect the way that children relate to parents.Believe me, the children will approach the softer, more lenient parent to get permission. This is likely one of the issues that broke the marriage apart. If you and your ex are amicable you can discuss and try to get on the same page in the best interest of your children. When this is not possible, do your best to remain clear, consistent, and follow-through so your children feel secure, safe, and trusting with you. Don't try to compete to win a popularity contest between you and your ex. The kids need at least one dependable, mature, and responsible parent they can count on to hold the line.* Can different parenting styles negatively affect children, or do they help children learn about varied opinions and different ways to view the same situation?Definitely, different parenting styles are more harmful than helpful to children. The closer parents are united in discipline, morals, character, and behavioral expectations, the better for raising happy, healthy, resilient, wholesome kids and young adults.
CREATING MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION OVER THE HOLIDAYS
We are living in a world and time of lightning speed. Our schedules are over-booked and leaving us exhausted and, at times, overwhelmed. Sadly, many of us have short-changed nourishing and nurturing meaningful relationships with those we truly care about. The divorce rate is higher now than ever - up to 50% in America and 63% in Los Angeles alone. We are raising a generation of kids who are dependent upon electronics as a means to communicate. Human to human relating has dwindled down and my large 90210 practice is filled with sexless couples who don't talk. I see a trend toward kids lacking healthy, open and honest communication skills.
Whether you get together in person or relate via Skype or telephone from hundreds to thousands of miles away, below are my suggestions for creating meaningful conversation versus surface superficial bumping up against each other. Here are my Top Tips For Nurturing Relationships During The Holidays.
1. Be curiosity. Be a "detective." Ask the other person questions that require more than a one-word answer. In other words, don't simply ask, "How are you?" You will likely get a quick response of, "Fine." As thought-provoking questions including, "Tell me how you've been spending your time"; "What are your hopes, wishes, and dreams over the next 5 years?"; "What are some of the challenges you've been up against lately?"
2. Share personal struggles. I am not suggesting that you vent or use your relatives as a receptacle or trash can. Don't dump. Be human. All of us struggle at times. When you share and expose your vulnerability the other person feels safe to do the same with you.
3. Never judge, blame, or be judgmentally opinionated. People will get defensive and immediately close up to you.
4. Always be truthful. Don't exaggerate or embellish. People want to connect with the real you.
5. Don't over exude bubbly, syrupy charm. Others will doubt your sincerity and authenticity.
6. Be sure you are in a quiet place with no distractions so you can focus on the other person.
7. Be ready to accept anything the other person says. You don't have to agree but list openly without becoming defensive.
8. Be an empathic listener. If you are shy and don't know what to say, offer compassionate reflection of what you hear the other person saying. This allows the other to feel heard, validated, and accepted - flaws and all!
Charlie Sheen's 4 year-old Twins Out-of-Control
Denise Richards wants to give up temporary custody of Charlie Sheen's "violent" 4 year-old twins, Bob and Max, for their outbursts and aggression toward her daughters and torturing the family dogs. Their mother, Brooke Meuller, has been in and out of rehab numerous times. Charlie Sheen went on-camera today making an impassioned plea to the Judge begging to stop visitation of the boys with their mother because they come home even more out of control. He added that the boys are at risk for being expelled from their school.Because this is a high-profile celebrity family the case brings to the forefront the issue that children pay the highest price in divorce. These young children need to be evaluated and treated in child play therapy. A well-trained child development psychologist needs to get to the bottom root cause of the kids' anger and acting-out. Are they reacting to a poor model of parental yelling and chaos? Are they confused because they are no longer living with their biological mother or father? Or, is it simply a case of what I term "covert deprivation" which occurs in privileged, affluent families who have the financial means to provide the best of everything but deprive the children of basic emotional nurturing and boundaries. Ahh…..boundaries. Clearly, no one knows how to stop these 4 year-olds from hurting people and animals. They are 4! No adult in their lives seems to understand or know how to contain a preschooler's rage. This can be taught. At age 4, children have just rounded out the toddler phase of development. It is normal for toddlers to be physical and aggressive before they have mastered language skills and reasoning. They also have not yet developed a ceiling cap to hold powerful feelings. This is why toddlers need close supportively guiding supervision. When they test the waters a loving parent should be there to direct the child to appropriate behavior. The Sheen twins are in crisis. Their home and school situations are tenuous. I certainly hope the Judge will order child therapy for Bob and Max. At age 4, these boys are still emotionally pliable. Early intervention can only lead to a more positive outcome.
Dr. Fran's Top 10 Tips For Managing Your Temper
- Deal with your anger in the moment. The build-up and surprise factor is the scariest part for your child.
- When angry, remove yourself, take a short cool-down time, then return and deal with the situation directly and in a calm manner.
- Refrain from verbal putdowns, berating, or spewing hostilities to your child (or spouse). Make this a solemn commitment.
- As you recognize and accept anger as a natural, normal human emotion, accept it in your child. Invite your child to tell you about it openly.
- Talk about feelings with your child. Embrace anger as just another acceptable feeling.
- Set and hold boundaries matter of factly, rather than with a flurry of anger.
- Work on extending your tolerance for delayed gratification. Be patient. Your child will comply only if you are supportive and on their team.
- Teach your child to always tell you the truth. Assure him that you will work on not getting so angry because you love him and do not want to scare him.
- Know that you are a model for your children. Your child will think, "If Daddy explodes, why shouldn't I?"
10. Be kind to yourself. Know this is a process, not a quick fix. Be sure to hold on to your motivation to raise happy, healthy, disciplined, loving children.
Excerpt from Dr. Fran Walfish interview in Forbes magazine 9/20/13
Why Paying for My Daughter’s College Is My Ultimate Life GoalThis desire to give your children as much as possible is something Dr. Fran Walfish, a child and family psychologist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child,” sees often. She explains that the parent-child dynamic has changed even in the past generation or two. “ I think parents are inclined to put their children first because they’re so desperate today to have their kids like them; they cannot bear to have their children angry at them,” she says of the helicopter-parent generation. “Some parents are just generally selfless, but we are living in the generation of entitlement. Grown young adults have an expectation that they deserve and should be given to, and think they have the ability to convince their parents to give in.”Dr. Walfish finds that kids whose parents can’t or won’t help them beyond a certain point take more responsibility for themselves. “I think that kids whose parents can’t afford to help them turn out O.K.,” she muses. “Those kids are forced to tap into their own resources—not just financial, but also emotional—to find ways of generating their own income. In the end it’s better for them.”
Preschool Drop-Off
Separation Anxiety in a child is almost never exclusive. Parents have an emotional reaction and it's usually strong. Most parents react with a flood of their own anxiety. I define anxiety as fear. The child fears being alone separate from Mommy, and Mommy fears whether child can make it on his own without her. It's an anxious circle. Some parents react with frustration and anger toward the child. The parent, in this case, has a resistance to dependency needs usually rooted in poor handling of the Separation Process during their own toddlerhood.
-Is there anything wrong with constantly checking up on your child? Yes, you risk the reciprocity of your child "checking" on you constantly. No child is ready to be left at preschool without Mommy present until at least the age of 2 years and 9 months. After that, age is no longer the issue. The key issue is how Mommy and the teachers deal with the Separation Process. Moms should NEVER be ripped away abruptly from their child. It can take up to 10 weeks for a child to fully be ready to be left at school without her mother.The best way to handle the Separation Process is to begin by Mommy going to school with her child and sitting next to him. She should not interact with him in games and toys, but rather be there available as a safety net in the event that he needs company. Mom should work hard to develop a warm relationship between her child and the teacher. This is crucial so that the child learns to reach out to the teacher when Mommy is not there. Then after at least a week, as the child appears to be comfortably engaged with activities Mommy should sit in a chair against the wall of the classroom so the child can come and go to her, as needed. This period can take weeks until the child feels secure enough to let Mommy leave. The next step is to try having Mommy leave the classroom to go to the bathroom and return immediately. Always, go to your child and tell her in advance you are leaving to go the bathroom. Then, return within a few short minutes to demonstrate that you deliver on your word. This enhances your child's ability to trust you. As she becomes comfortable with this phase, Mommy can try leaving to get a couple of coffee down the street and then returning in 45 minutes. It is extremely helpful for moms to develop a team approach with their child's teacher. This way the teacher can give cues and directions to Mom while Mommy can feel safe and confident that her child will be well cared for when she is not there.The exceptions to the above plan are children who suffered a traumatic event in their young lives including a death in the family, hospitalization or surgery.The way parents handle their child's separation and first preschool experience lays the bricks and mortar foundation for the child dealing with all life separations to come. -Why is it important for parents not to give up on bringing the child to preschool if she or he is always upset? If your child is under 2 years and 9 months do not even try to leave her alone without Mommy or Daddy. After 2.9 years, hand in and follow my suggestions in Answer #2. This will bolster your child with coping skills to deal with future frustrations, disappointments, and separations. Every time you allow your child struggle just a bit it empowers them with better coping skills to deal the next time around.-Is it damaging to a child to be left crying at preschool?It is damaging to a child to be left crying at preschool without a warm, nurturing teacher or supportive adult available to be a source of comfort to the child. Usually, the company of a kind, loving preschool can direct a child to engage in fun activities, narrate the child's feelings, and facilitate interactive play with other children. This helps the child separate from Mommy and find her place in the preschool classroom. If the child is left alone crying at preschool, which I have sadly observed on rare occasion, this can damage and scar the child for many years to come.In general, it is best to not leave your child(ren) crying under 2.9 years unless he or she is with a well-attached warm, nurturing person the child knows and has a relationship with (ie: Grandma, Nanny, Auntie, or Uncle). The reason is that it takes months to years of the child practicing back and forth rhythmic movement between attachment and separation from Mommy before the child internalizes the security of knowing that when Mommy goes away she always comes back. It is a belief system that is required in all human-beings and can only be established with consistent responses by the primary caregiving person - usually Mommy.That said, one singular time or event of leaving your child crying will likely not damage him. But, more than once become a real interruption in the continuity that children require.
On Sibling Bullying and a Cheating Husband, Father
Q. Dear Dr. Fran, my wife and I have five children–ages 5 to 13 years-old. Our oldest boy is extremely aggressive and seems to be taking his anger out on his 5-year-old brother. My wife thinks it’s no big deal just normal brotherly roughhousing. I am concerned. The 5-year-old is small and cannot defend himself. I work full time and my wife is a part-time teacher. Do you think I am over-reacting or do we have a real problem with our oldest and youngest boys? Simon U.A. Dear Simon: a new study out this week in the Journal Of Pediatrics addresses the findings from a national survey of children and their caregivers. It found that, just like bullying by peers, bullying by siblings causes significant mental distress and worsens the victims’ emotional health.Bottom line: The authors concluded that parents, pediatricians and the public should treat sibling aggression as potentially harmful, and not dismiss it as normal, minor, or even beneficial, and this message should be included in parenting education.Simon, you need to take your gut intuition seriously. There is a power differential between a 5-year-old and a 13- year-old. If you allow the little one to get pummeled he is likely to either become depressed or go to school and find a smaller child to displace his anger on.Talk to your wife and get a consultation from a qualified family therapist. Below are some of the warning signs of sibling bullying and steps parents can take to deal with it.• Child has expressed fear of being alone with sibling.• Parent has seen bruises and marks on the child (victim).• Powerful jealousy and hostilities have been repeatedly verbalized by the aggressor.• Aggressor has a fascination with fire or hurting animals. This is a precursor to developing a more serious personality disorder called sociopath.Steps Parents Can Take To Address It:1) Have an open family discussion about equal love for each of your children and establish zero-tolerance for hurting each other with our hands or our words.2) Define acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your family.3) Set clear firm rules and consequences for unacceptable behavior.4) Establish special time with each child individually to build upon trust and bonding. This also helps diminish sibling jealousy and rivalry. Q. Dear Dr. Fran, I think my husband of eight years is cheating on me. We have three children who are 8 and 4 years, and a six-month old baby. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I am not worried about money. I am scared to be a single mom and am angry, hurt, sad and feel deeply betrayed. I don’t know what to do or where to start. Please help me! Janet L.A. Dear Janet: this is a really rough one. You need to confront your husband and let him know you are onto his shenanigans. His reaction and response will be your first indicator of how this scenario will play out.What you want is for him to admit his mistake, feel/show genuine remorse, give you his word he will stop cheating for good immediately, and do his best to make it up to you.If, on the other hand, you bump into his defensive denial and resistance to be accountable, then you have an even greater problem because he is likely to repeat the offense.This is too big for you to deal with on your own. You need the support and guidance of a caring, skilled therapist as you move through this terribly painful experience.If your husband refuses to attend therapy and take responsibility for his actions then I strongly recommend you get a consultation from an experienced family law attorney to understand your financial and custodial rights in the event of dissolution of your marriage.
Psychotherapist DR. FRAN WALFISH weighs in on Paris Jackson on WENN
Challenges Parents Face
Here are my top eight most difficult milestones every parent must face. Each one is critical. You will likely transition through each one by holding your spouse/partner's hand and using trial and error.If you bump up against a wall in one of these areas please reach out to a child development specialist or psychologist for guidance. Fasten your seat belts and away you go.The Eight Most Challenging Things Parents Face:1) Teaching their infant to self-soothe and sleep through the night.2) Responding to their toddler’s declaration of separation and autonomy with compassion and empathy. This declaration includes the toddler saying “no;” temper tantrums; and defiant behaviors.3) Equipping their child with coping skills to deal with disappointments.4) Tolerating being the target of their child’s anger and rage.5) Dealing with their child pitting Daddy against Mommy for things the child wants-demands.6) Being on the same page as their spouse regarding discipline and follow-through with consequences.7) Letting go of their teenage children by rewarding responsible behavior with more independence and freedom.8) Not intruding on their adult child’s life. Respecting separation and boundaries.
"Top 7 Things Never To Say To A Grandmother"
• “You do so much for them, they must want to be with you all the time.”This is hurtful because no child wants to be with their grandparents all the time.• “If you really want a relationship with your grandchildren go to their Facebook page.”This comment can render a grandparent helpless since many do not know how to use Facebook.• “How can you let him talk disrespectfully to you…you’re his grandmother.”Behavioral management of children lies primarily in the hands of parents, not grandparents. Every child is on a learning curve. Some kids are still learning to inhibit disrespectful impulses. It’s not grandma’s fault.• “Your grandkids are so wild, don’t their parents teach them how to behave?”This type of comment is a direct criticism about your children’s parenting skills. It’s an insult to grandma, too.• “You’re go good to your grandchildren. Enjoy them while you can because you know how teenagers only want to be with their friends.”This is a particularly hurtful statement because it triggers unnecessary separation anxiety in grandma. Enjoy today…why worry about tomorrow.• “Do you go to all their basketball games?…they may not always want a big cheering section.”Many grandparents reap pleasure from watching their grandchildren compete in sports. It’s mean to imply the kids may not always want grandma there. It’s also none of their bee’s wax.• “Mother’s Day is coming…they better honor you as you deserve.”This may be insensitive because it implies you give to your kids and grandkids with an expectation of something in return.Also, many young families mark Mother’s Day by making mommy feel special and honored. Grandmothers often take a backseat to mothers. If they don’t make a big deal over grandma this comment may rub it in.Happy early Mother’s Day, moms and grandmas!