Modern Day Media Consumption

Dr. Fran’s commentary on modern day media consumption and Netflix catering to the
 millennial generation's emotional and psychological tendencies
-- our short attention spans, obsessive personalities, demand 
for instant gratification.  I am the expert psychologist who VH1 retained to do on-camera group therapy with Nicole Richie to cure her and her friends of cell phone addiction.  Netflix is smart to capitalize on the young market of mass culture who are obsessive-compulsively attached to and addicted to electronic and media instant gratification.  We have raised and nurtured a generation of kids who are conditioned to expect an immediate response such as one received online or in a computer game.  Human interactions require a beat or two longer. They require the person to think first, process information, retrieve and formulate an answer before spitting out their response.  The millennial generation has no patience for waiting.  They have (and will) paid a high price for the expectation of immediacy.  High schoolers and university students no longer desire to date, in the old-fashioned sense of the word.  They don't want to take the time to get to know someone and develop a relationship.  Instead, they are "hooking up" at dorm parties where they engage in kissing, heavy petting, and sexual intercourse with acquaintances and virtual strangers.  By the time they graduate college, they go out into the big wide world without a clue of how to form a relationship.  On the other hand, Netflix is creating and producing some very high quality film and television entertainment.  The challenge is that they are contributing to the myth and legend that human interactions function at the same light year speed that electronics do.  This distortion is a setup for a huge disappointment to our younger generation coming up!

DR. FRAN'S "7 SECRETS" OF HAPPY PEOPLE:

• 1.  Give up trying to control other people, especially your partner.  
• 2.  Praise every increment in yourself toward independence and moving outward into the world.  Cherish your ability to stand on your own.
• 3.  View people as good until they demonstrate otherwise.  Most people are good.  Those who are not will reveal themselves in time and you can weed out the ones who are not worthy of your trust.
• 4.  Do not strive for perfection.  Be "good enough."
• 5.  Build self-esteem toward self and others by using words that support and motivate with empathy, rather than criticize.
• 6.  Express your feelings in the moment.  Do not allow anger and disappointment to build up inside you.  Say what you feel clearly and respectfully.  It will free you.
• 7.  Give yourself Special Time.  Take 10-15 minutes each day to be with yourself and chill.  You'd be surprised how challenging this is when you have a spouse, children, and clients tugging at you 24/7. Give yourself short, undivided, positive attention each day for nourish and fortify you.

ROMANCE AT THE OFFICE: DR. FRAN'S TOP 4 TIPS

1)     Ask yourself if this person could be your lifetime partner?  Don't risk your job and all the potential complications unless you believe he or she is the real deal.  I’m not saying you have to marry her, just be serious.2)     Keep your romantic relationship discreet in the office.  Do not confide in friends/coworkers at the job.  Do your best to keep personal and business separate.3)     If you take the relationship to the next level by either moving in together or getting married, keep individual last names at work.  Jealousies and alliances may form and it's difficult to know who your friends or enemies are.  Don't rub it in everyone's face that you are one (a team) with your lady by having the same last name.4)     Keep your eye on the ball.  At the office, your main objective is to do your job with complete focus and concentration.  Do not send personal messages to your lover while on the job.  Laser focus on the work and demonstrate pristine ability to keep your personal life private.Happy Valentine’s Day!

Excerpt from Dr. Fran Walfish interview in Forbes magazine 9/20/13

Why Paying for My Daughter’s College Is My Ultimate Life GoalThis desire to give your children as much as possible is something Dr. Fran Walfish, a child and family psychologist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child,” sees often. She explains that the parent-child dynamic has changed even in the past generation or two. “ I think parents are inclined to put their children first because they’re so desperate today to have their kids like them; they cannot bear to have their children angry at them,” she says of the helicopter-parent generation. “Some parents are just generally selfless, but we are living in the generation of entitlement. Grown young adults have an expectation that they deserve and should be given to, and think they have the ability to convince their parents to give in.”Dr. Walfish finds that kids whose parents can’t or won’t help them beyond a certain point take more responsibility for themselves. “I think that kids whose parents can’t afford to help them turn out O.K.,” she muses. “Those kids are forced to tap into their own resources—not just financial, but also emotional—to find ways of generating their own income. In the end it’s better for them.”

If you’re concerned about putting yourself first financially, Dr. Walfish points out that being a financial resource for your children is less critical than being an emotional resource. “Parents need to feel good about whatever they can give and not feel guilty about the limitations of what they cannot,” she says. “What they can always be generous with is their loving support and positive cheerleading. They can always be there to say, ‘Yes, you’re doing it on your own!’ That’s a great feeling for a kid—I think it means more than having the cash.”To pull back on your contributions, she recommends simply being honest with your children. “Tell them, ‘I truly wish I could give you this money, but I have to earmark it in case something comes up. I’d rather you learn to be independent and financially autonomous now while I’m well and can enjoy watching you grow than spring a surprise burden on you later.’” She says that the main message, however you choose to convey it, should always be that giving them less money isn’t a punishment—it’s an opportunity for your children to grow.

How To Deal With Bullying In The Workplace

Most people think bullying happens only in the playground. But it can happen in the workplace. An office bully can be a boss or co-worker–anyone who singles out another person for unreasonable, embarrassing, or intimidating treatment.According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, up to a third of workers may be the victims of workplace bullying.The increase in workplace bullying has even caught the attention of some politicians and there has been a 10-year-long move to pass the “Healthy Workplace Bill” across the country. The bill proposes to make changes to the current discrimination and harassment laws to  address bullying concerns. Five states have seven versions of the Healthy Workplace Bill active in 2013. And since  April 2009, 16 U.S. states proposed similar legislation.If you find yourself a victim of workplace bullying, there are some first immediate steps you should take. “Document and isolate,” advises former Old School rapper turned sports agent and children’s author Glenn Toby, author of Lil G Faces the Brooklyn Bully. “This means contact a person in authority in or out of your organization to get assistance and consult them regarding the matter. Isolate means to identify each of the violations. Use eyewitnesses [and] recording devices (check local and regional laws). If there is a group of people offending you, breaking up the mob will help you in creating a strategy to identify who is lying or can help legal personnel or a law enforcement professional to better investigate and document the abuse.”Also try to change your approach to the person or persons bullying you. “My best advice to someone being bullied in the workplace is to practice using phrases like, ‘I’m not comfortable with that’; ‘I see it differently’; ‘That doesn’t work for me’;  ’We disagree and have different styles of communicating,’” says Beverly Hills psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish, author of  The Self-Aware Parent. “You can set boundaries and regain control by using gentle language that drives your point home. It’s not necessary to make enemies at work. But, it is very important to define the lines that others may not cross. It is a quiet strength when someone can do this in a benign, clear, and matter of fact tone.”Read more at http://madamenoire.com/261096/not-just-in-the-schoolyard-how-to-deal-with-bullying-in-the-workplace/#MR2VPuM68jycQarU.99

What Youth Can Take Away From the Fall of Lance Armstrong

Lance Armstrong recently admitted in exclusive and extensive interview with Oprah Winfrey that he repeatedly used banned illegal dopePersonally choosing Winfrey for his “big reveal,” Armstrong answered numerous questions and revealed truths that many have longed to know.For example, the once beloved cyclist told Winfrey that he had used banned illegal dope and other drugs throughout his career. In fact, doping had played a major role in all seven of his Tour de France triumphs.Yet Armstrong noted, that at the time of his big wins, he never felt guilt or shame in using the illegal dope.To many critics, during his interview, Armstrong lacked any remorse for his previous actions.However, it seemed that he did feel terrible about the impact that his actions have had on his family. For instance, Armstrong held back tears as he talked about having to tell his son that the rumors about his cheating were true. He told his son: “Don’t defend me anymore.”It is clear that the repercussion of Armstrong’s actions will greatly impact the rest of life. So what can society–especially youth and young adults–take away from Armstrong’s actions?Dr. Fran Walfish, who is Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent  told RIZZARR that youth and young adults can learn a lot about how lying, cheating, and greed will eventually lead to one’s destruction.She believes that primary take away from Lance Armstrong’s actions of cheating and lying is to always tell the truth. By doing so, anyone will avoid trouble at all costs.“If you lie, you will forever be hiding and running from the truth,” Walfish told RIZZAR.  “When you’re caught, it can end your career — whatever field you are in.”Walfish said that truth will always come out eventually. For Lance, “his truth” was greatly revealed during the interview.“What we see exposed is Lance’s self-proclaimed arrogance, defiance, and fierce ambition to “win” at any cost,” she said. “As an experienced psychologist, I see through Lance’s emotional thinking and it’s clear he has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  The main defining trait is that he lacks the computer chip in his internal character organization to imagine the impact of his own behavior on others. He felt entitled with no remorse about the unfair leg up he stole over his competition.”Even during his confessions, Walfish noted Lance did not look like he felt guilt. In her opinion, he simply looked ashamed about getting caught: “A Narcissist will always shoot himself in the foot at the hands of his own greed. “She concluded her thoughts by saying that she hopes youth and young adults will realize that the truth will always eventually be revealed. The way to rise to the top –and to stay there– is to live by honesty.

Talk the Talk: Language That Helps Build Business Relationships

Sometimes the way to create great business relationships is by your word choices. The way we talk to people, especially potential clients, can adversely affect a relationship. But there are some key phrases to use to help you network and develop lasting career relationships.

“It is very important to select the right word when building business relationships.  One of the reasons is because all relationships, including business ones, are built on trust.  Trust takes time to develop and it is built upon your words as well as your behavior.  Also, many people are concrete thinkers and literal in language.  That means they take you word for word.  If you use the wrong language and say, ´Oops, I meant…´ they may question your intent,” explains child, couple and family psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish.There are important phrases, reports Forbes magazine, to always use such as “Thank you,” "I Trust Your Judgment," "I Don’t Know," "Tell Me More," "What I Hear You Saying Is" among others. But just using the right language doesn't mean much if you don´t mean it. “Even more key is the tone and affect with which you deliver these phrases.  You must adopt a genuine tone of empathy and compassion.  This is absolutely the best way to develop, bond, and secure your business relationships.  You can only do this sincerely if you mean it,” says Dr. Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent. “Take a hard, honest open look within.  Ask yourself if you like this business associate.  Try to be honest with yourself.  How you truly feel will certainly be communicated in your tone and words.  Be sure to be true and real.”But sometimes in an overly eager effort to connect, people can say the wrong thing or get too personal. When this happens, don´t wait—address the issues as soon as possible. “The first thing to do is acknowledge out loud that something is going on. Respectfully and kindly state that you sense you may have said something that didn't sit well with the other person,” advises Walfish. “Ask them if they can help you understand what you said or did that didn't feel good.” It is important to admit—even in the business world—when you are wrong. “People admire you when you can own up to your missteps and be accountable.  Tell the person you are sorry you used the wrong words to communicate your thoughts, and you would like to repair it,” notes Dr. Walfish. “Invite the other person to tell you (even blast you) about their disappointment, hurt, or anger. When you encourage direct expression of powerful feelings those feelings decrease in intensity.  This is the true road to repair and restoration.”

Fight The Power: How To Survive Power Struggles At Work

Power struggles at work can be draining, stressful and counter-productive. But there are ways to handle these tough situations, say experts.“The most powerful thing you can do...let go of the rope! The other person reels backward and finds themselves holding the slack end of the rope with no idea what to do next. You don't win, but you don't lose either,” says Linda Galindo, author of The 85% Solution: How Personal Accountability Guarantees Success -- No Nonsense, No Excuses. “How do you let go of the metaphorical rope? Stop putting any energy into 'winning the power struggle' and get your 'Definition of Success' and 'Role Clarity' firmed up. Role clarity includes outlining the specific authority you have to do your job.”If you can, avoid getting involved in power struggles at work. And don't take sides. "Power struggles are rarely between two people, and so it’s common for others to be brought into it. It’s better to acknowledge someone’s feelings than their controversial position or side of a power struggle. Instead of agreeing with a manager or another co-worker, make a supportive observation like, 'This has to be frustrating. How long can this go on?´ or 'This must be so frustrating for you. How can anyone be so oblivious to how their actions are affecting other people?´ If ever confronted by the other person, you can honestly state that you observed that they seemed very frustrated and you hope they can work it out,” advises Debra Yergen author of Creating Job Security Resource Guide.  “Of course you don’t want to be labeled as Switzerland… being compared to Switzerland is never a compliment and you may end up the target of both parties.”Beverly Hills psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent, agrees and adds, ”It is wise to maintain a neutral position that gives each one of the feuding partners a sense of validation from you. Taking sides risks you becoming the Bad Guy. In the end, people can turn against you. Suddenly, you could find yourself in the position of the other two siding against you. Remain friendly, kind, understanding, and give little that communicates your personal biases.”But if you must get involved or directly involved, then have a strategy. “If you need to personally get drawn into a power struggle, treat it like a chess game and think out the consequences a few possible moves ahead,” says Yergen.  “Always think of the long-term consequences, and if it gets too bad, it may be time to freshen up your resume. Even if you don’t jump ship, having offers will absolutely increase your confidence.”If things get too heated, be careful with whom you draw into the fray. “If you find yourself caught in a power struggle at work, it's best to take a blink, breathe deeply, and step back to get some perspective,” explains Dr. Walfish. “Fighting or battling in the office is generally not a good idea. Do not threaten to consult lawyers or take matters into further dispute. Try to dissipate the intensity of emotions. Sometimes, it helps to talk to a trusted person outside of the office like your pastor, counselor, or a therapist. Getting good advice from a trusted, clean-slate point of view is a good idea.”Once the dust settles, you want to remain standing and still have a good enough relationship with the other person to be able to work together.

Could a Lack of Men Drive Women to Focus on Career?

Feeling "unattractive" can push women too, university researchers find

The idea that "having it all"—a husband, career, income, and kids—can mean ultimate happiness for a woman has been debated, denounced and defended by many but, according to a new study, it's a woman's impression of her own eligibility, as well as the availability of eligible men, that can influence her definition of what having it "all" means, too.Upon examining the ratio of single men to single women in every U.S. state, Dr. Kristina Durante, assistant professor of marketing at University of Texas, found that the less abundant bachelors were—or even appeared to be (for the purposes of the study, researchers led female college students participating in the study to believe such simply by having them read one or two news articles on the student population)—the more women were likely to delay life as a wife and mother, and pursue high-paying jobs.Additionally, Durante found that if women self-identified as "less desirable to men," they were more likely to embark on an ambitious career path.[Less Confidence Could Make You More Successful?]"Most women don’t realize it, but an important factor in a woman’s career choice is how easy or difficult it is to find a husband,” said Durante. “When a woman’s dating prospects look bleak, as is the case when there are few available men, she is much more likely to delay starting a family and instead seek a career.”For women's career commitment to be dependent on how worthy and attractive they feel (or, are to men) may sound disheartening, but Dr. Fran Walfish doesn't doubt that it's true."Libido, or sexual urge, drives the human-being," said Walfish. "It is the gasoline that drives us. If there is no hope felt on the part of the woman in pursuit of acquiring a man, then she must direct those urges toward something that will pay off. For many, it is their work and careers."

Feeling "unattractive" can push women too, university researchers find

 Megan Charles of theInquistr, however, is much more reluctant to accept Durante's findings as fact."Women are typecast as the damsel[s] who only want to work just long enough to find someone else to take care of us," wrote Charles. "It’s offensive to assume we, as women, are just biding our time, playing college student and hard-working career chick, while waiting for Prince Charming to swoop in and end our needless pursuit of an education and income."Charles would likely find comfort in knowing that last October, a poll conducted by Citi and LinkedIn revealed that more than a third of women (36 percent) didn’t factor marriage into their definition of “having it all” and nearly a third – 27 percent –didn’t include children in that definition at all. Still, being "in a loving relationship" was one of the top two factors, alongside "having enough money to do and buy what they want."[Could You Avoid Your Mirrors for a Month?]Additionally, data released by Gallup last September showed women have become increasingly interested in working outside the home; 51 percent of the more than 1,000 respondents preferred that option (“if they were free to do either”) over “staying at home and taking care of the house and family.”Still, Walfish maintains that women who feel they exhibit less-than-average looks (and subsequently feel less-than-worthy of love), succumb to stronger career aspirations by default."Often, this harder pursuit toward work is unconscious, or without thought," said Walfish. "It's automatic. Most people will go towards the thing that rewards. If the reward cannot be found in a man, the woman will turn her energies toward something that feeds, nourishes, and more immediately rewards -- her work."

Dr. Fran's 7 Secrets of Happy Business Professionals

1.  Give up trying to control other people, especially your partner.2.  Praise every increment in yourself toward independence and moving outward into the world.  Cherish your ability to stand on your own.3.  View people as good until they demonstrate otherwise.  Most people are good.  Those who are not will reveal themselves in time and you can weed out the ones who are not worthy of your trust.4.  Do not strive for perfection.  Be "good enough."5.  Build self-esteem toward self and others by using words that support and motivate with empathy, rather than criticize.6.  Express your feelings in the moment.  Do not allow anger and disappointment to build up inside you.  Say what you feel clearly and respectfully.  It will free you.7.  Give yourself Special Time.  Take 10-15 minutes each day to be with yourself and chill.  You'd be surprised how challenging this is when you have a spouse, children, and clients tugging at you 24/7.  Give yourself short, undivided, positive attention each day for nourish and fortify you.