CREATING TRADITIONS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Just like when it comes to myths such as Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy many parents want to carry on the tradition of fun by nurturing a gentle belief in these myths when their kids are young, so can dating and married couples establish and build traditions in their relationships. For example, this is Academy Awards Weekend. I have made it a personal meaningful tradition every year to make my homemade fried veal chops and watch the Oscars telecast with my friends! Mark special dates and events by creating foods, activities, or places visited to re-enact and relive the meaning and feeling of your original experience. It will bond you deeper and closer to your partner and friends.
Accountability - Dr. Fran's 2018 New Year's Resolution
Accountability is my one word that "Power Word" that summarizes therapy. The self exploration and self-awareness that therapy entails hopefully leads to the ultimate goal of owning up to our own issues, both personal and in relationships. This is my definition of Accountability. It is also Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s definition of “Conscious Uncoupling” where each partner going through divorce owns up to his and her issues. Accountability and owning your issues beats a New Year’s Resolution for 2018!
The #MeToo Movement Is Making Men Reconsider How They Treat Women
TERROR ATTACK IN MANCHESTER
Talking about terrorism: tips for parentsChildren are exposed to news in many ways, and what they see can worry them. Our advice can help you have a conversation with your child:* Listen carefully to a child’s fears and worries. Instead of shoving too much anxiety-provoking information and reassurance into your kids, ask them what they heard about the Arianna Grande concert in Manchester, England.* Offer honest clarification and comfort.* Avoid complicated and worrying explanations that could be frightening and confusing.* Help them find advice and support to understanding distress events and feelings.* Be sure to monitor your own feelings, affect, emotional temperature, and cues you may unintentionally give to your kids. If you are anxious, they will be, too.One of the most challenging issues triggered by a terrorist attack is the feeling of lack of control over our life. Empower your kids by suggesting three (3) things. 1) suggest that your teen write letters to families affected by the Manchester attacks. This is therapeutic to your child by expelling and expressing powerful feelings. 2) if your child wants to donate and help the families, suggest a Bake Sale and contributing the proceeds to an aid organization. 3) keep lines of communication open with your tween and teen. Talking is the glue that holds people bonded together.It’s also important to address bullying and abuse following the terrorist attacks.Some children may feel targeted because of their faith or appearance . Look for signs of bullying, and make sure that they know they can talk with you about it. Often children might feel scared or embarrassed, so reassure them it's not their fault that this is happening, and that they can always talk to you or another adult they trust. Alert your child’s school so that they can be aware of the issue.Dealing with offensive or unkind comments about a child’s faith or backgroundIf you think this is happening, it’s important to intervene. Calmly explain that comments like this are not acceptable. Your child should also understand that someone’s beliefs do not make them a terrorist. Explain that most people are as scared and hurt by the attacks as your child is. You could ask them how they think the other child felt, or ask them how they felt when someone said something unkind to them. Explain what you will do next, such as telling your child's school, and what you expect them to do.
Art Therapy Useful in Psychotherapy?
Art therapy is an extremely respected form of psychotherapy and analysis. I utilize crayons and paper, large and small, by having children, families, and even adult couples draw and color as a tool to dig deep and get inside the minds of each individual patient. For instance, if it is a couple or family drawing, the way a person uses the space and whether they go into the boundaries lines of the other person's territory on the paper may indicate control in the relationship. Also, specific color choices reveal psychological information to the therapist. For example, the color black indicates depression and deep sadness. Excessive use of the color red may indicate anger and rage (ie: fire). Clouds and raindrops might show sadness with tears. Bright, sunny yellow, pink, and green often reflect joy and a happy state of mind. Beware Parents: Do not make the mistake of telling your kids to stop using black and red crayons. This will not erase internal emotional states. But rather, know that art is a viable pathway into understanding better what your child feeling on the inside.
Santa Scares Some Kids
Some children, especially kids under the age of 5 years, may get upset and cry by a visit to Santa. The reason is because of the costume, mask, makeup, false beard, rosy cheeks, and deep "Ho, ho, ho" voice used by Santa. Toddlers have not yet mastered the concept of Object Constancy. It is hard for a young child to imagine that a human man can remain a human person while wearing a costume. In other words, the toddler sees Santa in his costume and believes Santa is a walking and talking alien in a costume. The child doesn't understand that Santa is a real person who went in the other room and put a costume disguise on. A smaller percentage of children who may have an undiagnosed learning disability or perceptual problem may have a fear reaction to Santa Claus because of the visual perceptual distortion in Santa's mask and make up. If your child is upset, afraid or cries when visiting Santa don't force the visit. Instead, comfort your young child. Be sure you cozy up, put arm around your child, and give your child permission to express his fears and anger at you for taking him to see Santa before he was ready. Tell him you won't do that again. Next time you will "ask" him if he wants to visit Santa. If he says no you will respect his wishes. An attuned sensitive parent follows her child's lead.
Modern Day Media Consumption
Dr. Fran’s commentary on modern day media consumption and Netflix catering to the millennial generation's emotional and psychological tendencies -- our short attention spans, obsessive personalities, demand for instant gratification. I am the expert psychologist who VH1 retained to do on-camera group therapy with Nicole Richie to cure her and her friends of cell phone addiction. Netflix is smart to capitalize on the young market of mass culture who are obsessive-compulsively attached to and addicted to electronic and media instant gratification. We have raised and nurtured a generation of kids who are conditioned to expect an immediate response such as one received online or in a computer game. Human interactions require a beat or two longer. They require the person to think first, process information, retrieve and formulate an answer before spitting out their response. The millennial generation has no patience for waiting. They have (and will) paid a high price for the expectation of immediacy. High schoolers and university students no longer desire to date, in the old-fashioned sense of the word. They don't want to take the time to get to know someone and develop a relationship. Instead, they are "hooking up" at dorm parties where they engage in kissing, heavy petting, and sexual intercourse with acquaintances and virtual strangers. By the time they graduate college, they go out into the big wide world without a clue of how to form a relationship. On the other hand, Netflix is creating and producing some very high quality film and television entertainment. The challenge is that they are contributing to the myth and legend that human interactions function at the same light year speed that electronics do. This distortion is a setup for a huge disappointment to our younger generation coming up!
LAST-MINUTE PARTY CANCELLATIONS
Are you throwing a party and worried about last-minute cancellations? Have you been disappointed by friends in the past? Truth be told, I am guilty. I have been both a guest who cancels at the last minute, as well as a hostess whose guests have cancelled at the last minute. I can speak to both why people cancel, as well as to how it feels to be 'done to'. As the host/hostess of the party, it is absolutely natural to feel angry and disappointed (anger & sadness). After all, you planned, prepared, anticipated, and looked forward to. But, here is the secret most 'last-minute-cancellers' hold. They usually don't come because of a deep insecurity of feeling less-than in a social group setting. For example, the Holidays are supposed be joyful and jolly. For many, this is true. For others, who have conflict-filled family situations or are single (not by choice) or widowed, or simply experience a depressed feeling of loneliness around Holiday time, it can feel like an overwhelming burden when faced with the ordeal of 'what shall I wear?'; 'what will I say to initiate conversation with strangers?'; 'I didn't buy a gift for the Hostess"; and other ruminating worries that spell out "Am I good enough?" It is very important for the host/hostess to do their best to not take a last minute cancellation or no-show personally. It almost never is personal. It is a reflection of a deeper level of low-confidence and self-worth on the part of your beloved guest. Don't discard a precious friend who can't get it together for a social event. Give them another chance. If they prove to be a Serial Last Minute Canceller prepare for it so you're not surprised and disappointed next time.
RESEARCH FINDS THAT HAPPY CHILDREN COME OUT OF ALL TYPES OF FAMILY COMBINATION
I have long speculated the same findings of a new study published just this week that states: "It doesn't matter whether a child lives with a single parent or two bio parents or with a parent and a stepparent--as long as the family relationship is strong the child will be happy. Good relationships with siblings, no bullying at school also contribute." In order to be a good parent, one must be comfortable balancing two things at the same time - love/nurture and limits/boundaries. Each parent must be emotionally available to the child with continuity (no breaches or disruptions caused by travel or regular fighting). Emotionally available means the parent follows the child's lead with interest and curiosity and praises every increment in the child toward his or her autonomy and independence. These are some of the primary ingredients required to raise happy wholesome thriving children. Always remember Tip #1 - Be kind to your child. That's a given to most of us but we are living in stressful times. People are tugged in many different directions with tight financial strains and overhead. Don't make your child pay the price.
I have seen many single moms raise happy, healthy wonderful children. That said, it is important to recognize that every boy and girl wants (and needs) a male and female influence to identify with a respected idealized same sex figure. If there is no father in the home, sign your child up for Big Brothers of America or encourage your child to develop and build a relationship with an uncle, grandfather, or coach in order to complete his own male self-identification.
Woody Allen: Guilty or Not? Did He Molest 7 Year-old Dylan?
We may never know the truth about what happened between Woody Allen and his former girlfriend, Mia Farrow's adopted then 7 year-old daughter, Dylan. It seems Americans today love to judge. The majority of women under age 30 years think Allen molested the child. Others, especially Woody's Hollywood friends, including Barbara Walters and Diane Keaton, have gone public declaring their support of him.As the leading child psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, I believe the voice of the child. At age 7, Dylan said he sexually molested her. Kids don't make this up. Sex is not in the realm of a child's fantasy. It either happened to her or she saw something that planted the idea in her head. At the time of Dylan's allegations, the Court decided not to proceed with the investigation as it would traumatize the child. Woody Allen committed the cardinal sin. He took naked photographs of, and became sexually involved with the adopted minor child of the woman who bore his children, Mia Farrow. To the child, Soon-Yi, Woody was a second father figure. Take one hard look at the face of Dylan Farrow today. Hers is the face of trauma and abuse.If Dylan Farrow were my child patient and told me that her mother's boyfriend touched her inappropriately I would explore and examine. If I believed it to be true, I'd report it. All that's required is reasonable suspicion and this child's voice, now an adult, has certainly convinced me of that.
Pornography Consumption In Relationships
Dear Dr. Fran, how does being honest about pornography consumption with a partner lead to greater relationship satisfaction? Jack S.
Dear Jack, okay now, you’ve got to come clean with me….or at least with yourself. Is one of you a little kinky while the other isn’t? I’ve heard everything in my private practice from obsession with feet, toes, armpits, belly buttons, on and on. More specific info would be helpful. Being honest about pornography use with a partner indicates that the person is comfortable with their own sexuality and the things that sexually titillate, stimulate, arouse, and turn-on their excitation. Secrecy about pornography consumption can be felt as a betrayal and raise mistrust, suspicions, and put a wedge of distance between the partners. Therefore, honesty is required, and open dialogue is the glue that holds people together which leads to greater relationship satisfaction. In a case where a partner would need to come forward about their pornography consumption a few questions come to mind. Why it is that it was kept discreet in the first place? Is it because their partner is inhibited and might judge them for this type of behavior? Does the person feel shame about their own pornography usage? These are important questions to ponder. Depending on the answers the individual comes up with it may or may not be so easy to talk to their partner about this. Sometimes, it helps to retain the services of an experienced therapist or counselor to help the couple open dialogue about their sexual likes and dislikes. Often, it takes a skilled professional to do a thorough dating and sexual history with each partner to help each one assess themselves. When both partners are equally open sexually and emotionally it can be exciting wonderful foreplay to watch pornography together. Often, watching can stimulate ideas, themes, and scenarios that can illicit spontaneity and adventure for the couple.
CREATING MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION OVER THE HOLIDAYS
We are living in a world and time of lightning speed. Our schedules are over-booked and leaving us exhausted and, at times, overwhelmed. Sadly, many of us have short-changed nourishing and nurturing meaningful relationships with those we truly care about. The divorce rate is higher now than ever - up to 50% in America and 63% in Los Angeles alone. We are raising a generation of kids who are dependent upon electronics as a means to communicate. Human to human relating has dwindled down and my large 90210 practice is filled with sexless couples who don't talk. I see a trend toward kids lacking healthy, open and honest communication skills.
Whether you get together in person or relate via Skype or telephone from hundreds to thousands of miles away, below are my suggestions for creating meaningful conversation versus surface superficial bumping up against each other. Here are my Top Tips For Nurturing Relationships During The Holidays.
1. Be curiosity. Be a "detective." Ask the other person questions that require more than a one-word answer. In other words, don't simply ask, "How are you?" You will likely get a quick response of, "Fine." As thought-provoking questions including, "Tell me how you've been spending your time"; "What are your hopes, wishes, and dreams over the next 5 years?"; "What are some of the challenges you've been up against lately?"
2. Share personal struggles. I am not suggesting that you vent or use your relatives as a receptacle or trash can. Don't dump. Be human. All of us struggle at times. When you share and expose your vulnerability the other person feels safe to do the same with you.
3. Never judge, blame, or be judgmentally opinionated. People will get defensive and immediately close up to you.
4. Always be truthful. Don't exaggerate or embellish. People want to connect with the real you.
5. Don't over exude bubbly, syrupy charm. Others will doubt your sincerity and authenticity.
6. Be sure you are in a quiet place with no distractions so you can focus on the other person.
7. Be ready to accept anything the other person says. You don't have to agree but list openly without becoming defensive.
8. Be an empathic listener. If you are shy and don't know what to say, offer compassionate reflection of what you hear the other person saying. This allows the other to feel heard, validated, and accepted - flaws and all!
Dr. Fran's Top 10 Tips For Managing Your Temper
- Deal with your anger in the moment. The build-up and surprise factor is the scariest part for your child.
- When angry, remove yourself, take a short cool-down time, then return and deal with the situation directly and in a calm manner.
- Refrain from verbal putdowns, berating, or spewing hostilities to your child (or spouse). Make this a solemn commitment.
- As you recognize and accept anger as a natural, normal human emotion, accept it in your child. Invite your child to tell you about it openly.
- Talk about feelings with your child. Embrace anger as just another acceptable feeling.
- Set and hold boundaries matter of factly, rather than with a flurry of anger.
- Work on extending your tolerance for delayed gratification. Be patient. Your child will comply only if you are supportive and on their team.
- Teach your child to always tell you the truth. Assure him that you will work on not getting so angry because you love him and do not want to scare him.
- Know that you are a model for your children. Your child will think, "If Daddy explodes, why shouldn't I?"
10. Be kind to yourself. Know this is a process, not a quick fix. Be sure to hold on to your motivation to raise happy, healthy, disciplined, loving children.
Excerpt from Dr. Fran Walfish interview in Forbes magazine 9/20/13
Why Paying for My Daughter’s College Is My Ultimate Life GoalThis desire to give your children as much as possible is something Dr. Fran Walfish, a child and family psychologist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child,” sees often. She explains that the parent-child dynamic has changed even in the past generation or two. “ I think parents are inclined to put their children first because they’re so desperate today to have their kids like them; they cannot bear to have their children angry at them,” she says of the helicopter-parent generation. “Some parents are just generally selfless, but we are living in the generation of entitlement. Grown young adults have an expectation that they deserve and should be given to, and think they have the ability to convince their parents to give in.”Dr. Walfish finds that kids whose parents can’t or won’t help them beyond a certain point take more responsibility for themselves. “I think that kids whose parents can’t afford to help them turn out O.K.,” she muses. “Those kids are forced to tap into their own resources—not just financial, but also emotional—to find ways of generating their own income. In the end it’s better for them.”
Preschool Drop-Off
Separation Anxiety in a child is almost never exclusive. Parents have an emotional reaction and it's usually strong. Most parents react with a flood of their own anxiety. I define anxiety as fear. The child fears being alone separate from Mommy, and Mommy fears whether child can make it on his own without her. It's an anxious circle. Some parents react with frustration and anger toward the child. The parent, in this case, has a resistance to dependency needs usually rooted in poor handling of the Separation Process during their own toddlerhood.
-Is there anything wrong with constantly checking up on your child? Yes, you risk the reciprocity of your child "checking" on you constantly. No child is ready to be left at preschool without Mommy present until at least the age of 2 years and 9 months. After that, age is no longer the issue. The key issue is how Mommy and the teachers deal with the Separation Process. Moms should NEVER be ripped away abruptly from their child. It can take up to 10 weeks for a child to fully be ready to be left at school without her mother.The best way to handle the Separation Process is to begin by Mommy going to school with her child and sitting next to him. She should not interact with him in games and toys, but rather be there available as a safety net in the event that he needs company. Mom should work hard to develop a warm relationship between her child and the teacher. This is crucial so that the child learns to reach out to the teacher when Mommy is not there. Then after at least a week, as the child appears to be comfortably engaged with activities Mommy should sit in a chair against the wall of the classroom so the child can come and go to her, as needed. This period can take weeks until the child feels secure enough to let Mommy leave. The next step is to try having Mommy leave the classroom to go to the bathroom and return immediately. Always, go to your child and tell her in advance you are leaving to go the bathroom. Then, return within a few short minutes to demonstrate that you deliver on your word. This enhances your child's ability to trust you. As she becomes comfortable with this phase, Mommy can try leaving to get a couple of coffee down the street and then returning in 45 minutes. It is extremely helpful for moms to develop a team approach with their child's teacher. This way the teacher can give cues and directions to Mom while Mommy can feel safe and confident that her child will be well cared for when she is not there.The exceptions to the above plan are children who suffered a traumatic event in their young lives including a death in the family, hospitalization or surgery.The way parents handle their child's separation and first preschool experience lays the bricks and mortar foundation for the child dealing with all life separations to come. -Why is it important for parents not to give up on bringing the child to preschool if she or he is always upset? If your child is under 2 years and 9 months do not even try to leave her alone without Mommy or Daddy. After 2.9 years, hand in and follow my suggestions in Answer #2. This will bolster your child with coping skills to deal with future frustrations, disappointments, and separations. Every time you allow your child struggle just a bit it empowers them with better coping skills to deal the next time around.-Is it damaging to a child to be left crying at preschool?It is damaging to a child to be left crying at preschool without a warm, nurturing teacher or supportive adult available to be a source of comfort to the child. Usually, the company of a kind, loving preschool can direct a child to engage in fun activities, narrate the child's feelings, and facilitate interactive play with other children. This helps the child separate from Mommy and find her place in the preschool classroom. If the child is left alone crying at preschool, which I have sadly observed on rare occasion, this can damage and scar the child for many years to come.In general, it is best to not leave your child(ren) crying under 2.9 years unless he or she is with a well-attached warm, nurturing person the child knows and has a relationship with (ie: Grandma, Nanny, Auntie, or Uncle). The reason is that it takes months to years of the child practicing back and forth rhythmic movement between attachment and separation from Mommy before the child internalizes the security of knowing that when Mommy goes away she always comes back. It is a belief system that is required in all human-beings and can only be established with consistent responses by the primary caregiving person - usually Mommy.That said, one singular time or event of leaving your child crying will likely not damage him. But, more than once become a real interruption in the continuity that children require.
On Sibling Bullying and a Cheating Husband, Father
Q. Dear Dr. Fran, my wife and I have five children–ages 5 to 13 years-old. Our oldest boy is extremely aggressive and seems to be taking his anger out on his 5-year-old brother. My wife thinks it’s no big deal just normal brotherly roughhousing. I am concerned. The 5-year-old is small and cannot defend himself. I work full time and my wife is a part-time teacher. Do you think I am over-reacting or do we have a real problem with our oldest and youngest boys? Simon U.A. Dear Simon: a new study out this week in the Journal Of Pediatrics addresses the findings from a national survey of children and their caregivers. It found that, just like bullying by peers, bullying by siblings causes significant mental distress and worsens the victims’ emotional health.Bottom line: The authors concluded that parents, pediatricians and the public should treat sibling aggression as potentially harmful, and not dismiss it as normal, minor, or even beneficial, and this message should be included in parenting education.Simon, you need to take your gut intuition seriously. There is a power differential between a 5-year-old and a 13- year-old. If you allow the little one to get pummeled he is likely to either become depressed or go to school and find a smaller child to displace his anger on.Talk to your wife and get a consultation from a qualified family therapist. Below are some of the warning signs of sibling bullying and steps parents can take to deal with it.• Child has expressed fear of being alone with sibling.• Parent has seen bruises and marks on the child (victim).• Powerful jealousy and hostilities have been repeatedly verbalized by the aggressor.• Aggressor has a fascination with fire or hurting animals. This is a precursor to developing a more serious personality disorder called sociopath.Steps Parents Can Take To Address It:1) Have an open family discussion about equal love for each of your children and establish zero-tolerance for hurting each other with our hands or our words.2) Define acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your family.3) Set clear firm rules and consequences for unacceptable behavior.4) Establish special time with each child individually to build upon trust and bonding. This also helps diminish sibling jealousy and rivalry. Q. Dear Dr. Fran, I think my husband of eight years is cheating on me. We have three children who are 8 and 4 years, and a six-month old baby. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I am not worried about money. I am scared to be a single mom and am angry, hurt, sad and feel deeply betrayed. I don’t know what to do or where to start. Please help me! Janet L.A. Dear Janet: this is a really rough one. You need to confront your husband and let him know you are onto his shenanigans. His reaction and response will be your first indicator of how this scenario will play out.What you want is for him to admit his mistake, feel/show genuine remorse, give you his word he will stop cheating for good immediately, and do his best to make it up to you.If, on the other hand, you bump into his defensive denial and resistance to be accountable, then you have an even greater problem because he is likely to repeat the offense.This is too big for you to deal with on your own. You need the support and guidance of a caring, skilled therapist as you move through this terribly painful experience.If your husband refuses to attend therapy and take responsibility for his actions then I strongly recommend you get a consultation from an experienced family law attorney to understand your financial and custodial rights in the event of dissolution of your marriage.
Psychotherapist DR. FRAN WALFISH weighs in on Paris Jackson on WENN
Got Wedding Envy? When To Talk With Your Partner About Marriage
It's that time of year.
The photo albums from the bridal showers. The lovey-dovey status updates. Wedding season has taken over your Facebook page.And while your friends may be entering a new blissful stage in life, things have remained the same between you and your beau. Does this mean you should be hurrying to walk down the aisle or is your relationship headed to Splitsville, population you?READ: Is Your Relationship an Online Overshare?As it turns out, you may be experiencing a very common dilemma thanks to social media.“’Wedding envy’ is definitely a phenomenon that exists,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent.” “You may occasionally hear of a cluster of friends getting engaged around the same time, and even scheduling wedding dates in close proximity. This is because many young women can’t bear the feeling of being ‘left out.’”Experiencing jealousy after witnesses your friends’ blossoming love lives on Facebook isn’t a new concept. In a recent study conducted by two German universities, it was reported that one in three people felt more dissatisfied with their lives after browsing the world’s largest social networking site. Relationship success was recognized as the third most envy-causing incident. And with the warmer summer months comes wedding season, which means many women in relationships are likely to fall prey to such a phenomenon.However, experts advise thinking twice before discussing this social media-induced marriage itch with your significant other.“Wanting to get married is basic, but it doesn’t mean you are with the right person or that you are both ready,” says Nina Atwood, dating coach and author of "Temptations of the Single Girl." “You are ready for marriage when you have spent enough time together to know exactly who you are getting, warts and all. The other thing is what makes you compatible or not, such as religion, children and finances. When you have acceptance, plus you are aligned on your core values, you are ready to marry.”READ: 'Will You Marry Me?' There's an App for ThatAccording to psychologist Karen Sherman, seething in resentment is not only unhealthy, it can quickly strain an otherwise stress-free relationship.“I think it’s dangerous to be tempted to get married because you get the itch based on social media,” says Sherman. “Based on social comparison theory, we look to others to see how we’re doing. Social media certainly makes it easier to do this. But the decision to marry is a serious commitment and one that should not be entered just because everyone else has done so. For all you know, others who are announcing their plans have been influenced by other social media postings!”Dr. Walfish adds that focusing on your relationship reality is far more important than what trying to keep up with your friends.“Don’t talk with your man until you are crystal clear on your goals and expectations,” she says. “Then share them with your partner. Listen to his. It’s also very important to examine how as a couple you resolve conflicts. You don’t always have to agree, but you must be able to bear differences with mutual respect.”READ: How Facebook Hurts Your RelationshipAnother way to deal with wedding envy? Chill out.“Be careful you don’t let it impact your relationship with your guy,” says Atwood. “He will probably not understand it and will only feel pressured. The very best proposal is when he initiates it instead of you pressuring him to do it sooner than he is ready. I say talk it out with your friends first, let it go and relax.”Read more: http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/got-wedding-envy-when-talk-your-partner-about-marriage#ixzz2VJT8n9xI
Challenges Parents Face
Here are my top eight most difficult milestones every parent must face. Each one is critical. You will likely transition through each one by holding your spouse/partner's hand and using trial and error.If you bump up against a wall in one of these areas please reach out to a child development specialist or psychologist for guidance. Fasten your seat belts and away you go.The Eight Most Challenging Things Parents Face:1) Teaching their infant to self-soothe and sleep through the night.2) Responding to their toddler’s declaration of separation and autonomy with compassion and empathy. This declaration includes the toddler saying “no;” temper tantrums; and defiant behaviors.3) Equipping their child with coping skills to deal with disappointments.4) Tolerating being the target of their child’s anger and rage.5) Dealing with their child pitting Daddy against Mommy for things the child wants-demands.6) Being on the same page as their spouse regarding discipline and follow-through with consequences.7) Letting go of their teenage children by rewarding responsible behavior with more independence and freedom.8) Not intruding on their adult child’s life. Respecting separation and boundaries.
Five Reasons Why Cuddling Is Good For Couples
Q. Dear Dr. Fran, my husband stiffens and freezes every time I initiate hugging. The only time he is willing to snuggle is if it is foreplay that leads to sexual intercourse. I can’t help but feel rejected. What should I do to fix this? Marilyn H. A. Dear Marilyn, I can understand you feeling rejected. Your husband has difficulty with intimacy. This is not a sexual problem. It is one of closeness and attachment that probably stems from the kind of attachment he had to his mother and father.Each one of us has a comfort zone regarding closeness to other people. That includes a spouse and even children.Have a dialogue with your husband. Sometimes, bringing the issue out into the open can clear a pathway toward warmer closeness and intimacy.Here are five reasons why cuddling is good for couples. If after talking with your husband things don’t improve, reach out to a qualified couples therapist to determine if individual or couples therapy is indicated.• Reason 1: It Feels GoodCuddling releases oxytocin, which is also known as the feel-good hormone. It increases overall happy feeling.Cuddling can also release endorphins, which is the chemical released after a good workout or when you eat chocolate which contributes to that great feeling.• Reason 2: It Makes You Feel SexyThe most obvious benefit to cuddling is getting close to your partner in the physical sense. There is also the release of dopamine, which is an excitatory hormone that increases sexual desire.• Reason 3: It Reduces Stress and Blood PressureHugging, kissing, or more physical acts of touch increases oxytocin levels, which is a “bonding”’ hormone—this chemical reaction can help reduce blood pressure, which in turn reduces the risk of heart disease, but it can also help to reduce stress and anxiety.• Reason 4: It Bonds Women with Babies and PartnersCuddling is healthy for people because of the obvious factor of emotional attachment.Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that is closely linked to childbirth and breastfeeding, and a recent study shows it has a biological role in bonding between mother and baby.The study, led by Lane Strathearn, an assistant professor of pediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine, shows that women raised with insecure attachment themselves are more likely to have difficulty forming secure attachments with their children (and partners).”It’s healthy to want to be close. Too little or too much is not good. Observe and explore your own personal comfort zone. You will be a better communicator with your partner on how much feels good and when it gets too close for comfort. Your goal is to find a balance between your comfort zone and needs along with your partner’s.• Reason 5: It Helps You Communicate BetterMost people want to feel understood, and communication is the vehicle by which they transmit understanding and empathy. Non-verbal communication can be a powerful way to say to your partner, “I get you.” Cuddling is a way of saying, “I know how you feel.” It allows us to feel known by our partner in ways that words can’t convey.The Beverly Hills Courier, May 10, 2013