Talk the Talk: Language That Helps Build Business Relationships
Instant Gratification
Fight The Power: How To Survive Power Struggles At Work
- Power struggles at work can be draining, stressful and counter-productive. But there are ways to handle these tough situations, say experts.“The most powerful thing you can do...let go of the rope! The other person reels backward and finds themselves holding the slack end of the rope with no idea what to do next. You don't win, but you don't lose either,” says Linda Galindo, author of The 85% Solution: How Personal Accountability Guarantees Success -- No Nonsense, No Excuses. “How do you let go of the metaphorical rope? Stop putting any energy into 'winning the power struggle' and get your 'Definition of Success' and 'Role Clarity' firmed up. Role clarity includes outlining the specific authority you have to do your job.”If you can, avoid getting involved in power struggles at work. And don't take sides. "Power struggles are rarely between two people, and so it’s common for others to be brought into it. It’s better to acknowledge someone’s feelings than their controversial position or side of a power struggle. Instead of agreeing with a manager or another co-worker, make a supportive observation like, 'This has to be frustrating. How long can this go on?´ or 'This must be so frustrating for you. How can anyone be so oblivious to how their actions are affecting other people?´ If ever confronted by the other person, you can honestly state that you observed that they seemed very frustrated and you hope they can work it out,” advises Debra Yergen author of Creating Job Security Resource Guide. “Of course you don’t want to be labeled as Switzerland… being compared to Switzerland is never a compliment and you may end up the target of both parties.”Beverly Hills psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent, agrees and adds, ”It is wise to maintain a neutral position that gives each one of the feuding partners a sense of validation from you. Taking sides risks you becoming the Bad Guy. In the end, people can turn against you. Suddenly, you could find yourself in the position of the other two siding against you. Remain friendly, kind, understanding, and give little that communicates your personal biases.”But if you must get involved or directly involved, then have a strategy. “If you need to personally get drawn into a power struggle, treat it like a chess game and think out the consequences a few possible moves ahead,” says Yergen. “Always think of the long-term consequences, and if it gets too bad, it may be time to freshen up your resume. Even if you don’t jump ship, having offers will absolutely increase your confidence.”If things get too heated, be careful with whom you draw into the fray. “If you find yourself caught in a power struggle at work, it's best to take a blink, breathe deeply, and step back to get some perspective,” explains Dr. Walfish. “Fighting or battling in the office is generally not a good idea. Do not threaten to consult lawyers or take matters into further dispute. Try to dissipate the intensity of emotions. Sometimes, it helps to talk to a trusted person outside of the office like your pastor, counselor, or a therapist. Getting good advice from a trusted, clean-slate point of view is a good idea.”Once the dust settles, you want to remain standing and still have a good enough relationship with the other person to be able to work together.
Could a Lack of Men Drive Women to Focus on Career?
Feeling "unattractive" can push women too, university researchers find
The idea that "having it all"—a husband, career, income, and kids—can mean ultimate happiness for a woman has been debated, denounced and defended by many but, according to a new study, it's a woman's impression of her own eligibility, as well as the availability of eligible men, that can influence her definition of what having it "all" means, too.Upon examining the ratio of single men to single women in every U.S. state, Dr. Kristina Durante, assistant professor of marketing at University of Texas, found that the less abundant bachelors were—or even appeared to be (for the purposes of the study, researchers led female college students participating in the study to believe such simply by having them read one or two news articles on the student population)—the more women were likely to delay life as a wife and mother, and pursue high-paying jobs.Additionally, Durante found that if women self-identified as "less desirable to men," they were more likely to embark on an ambitious career path.[Less Confidence Could Make You More Successful?]"Most women don’t realize it, but an important factor in a woman’s career choice is how easy or difficult it is to find a husband,” said Durante. “When a woman’s dating prospects look bleak, as is the case when there are few available men, she is much more likely to delay starting a family and instead seek a career.”For women's career commitment to be dependent on how worthy and attractive they feel (or, are to men) may sound disheartening, but Dr. Fran Walfish doesn't doubt that it's true."Libido, or sexual urge, drives the human-being," said Walfish. "It is the gasoline that drives us. If there is no hope felt on the part of the woman in pursuit of acquiring a man, then she must direct those urges toward something that will pay off. For many, it is their work and careers."
Feeling "unattractive" can push women too, university researchers find
Megan Charles of theInquistr, however, is much more reluctant to accept Durante's findings as fact."Women are typecast as the damsel[s] who only want to work just long enough to find someone else to take care of us," wrote Charles. "It’s offensive to assume we, as women, are just biding our time, playing college student and hard-working career chick, while waiting for Prince Charming to swoop in and end our needless pursuit of an education and income."Charles would likely find comfort in knowing that last October, a poll conducted by Citi and LinkedIn revealed that more than a third of women (36 percent) didn’t factor marriage into their definition of “having it all” and nearly a third – 27 percent –didn’t include children in that definition at all. Still, being "in a loving relationship" was one of the top two factors, alongside "having enough money to do and buy what they want."[Could You Avoid Your Mirrors for a Month?]Additionally, data released by Gallup last September showed women have become increasingly interested in working outside the home; 51 percent of the more than 1,000 respondents preferred that option (“if they were free to do either”) over “staying at home and taking care of the house and family.”Still, Walfish maintains that women who feel they exhibit less-than-average looks (and subsequently feel less-than-worthy of love), succumb to stronger career aspirations by default."Often, this harder pursuit toward work is unconscious, or without thought," said Walfish. "It's automatic. Most people will go towards the thing that rewards. If the reward cannot be found in a man, the woman will turn her energies toward something that feeds, nourishes, and more immediately rewards -- her work."
It's the Holidays. How to Handle the Inevitable Toddler - TIME magazine
TIME PARENTING
It’s the Holidays. How to Handle the Inevitable Toddler Tantrums
There they all were from far and near— my kids and their partners in every room of my New York apartment. They were standing, lounging, chatting, drinking, passing my 6-month old grandson from lap to lap. Piercing the din was the insistent whine of my 4-year-old granddaughter for…something.I adore my granddaughter. She has loving and attentive parents. But right now her Dad was animatedly defending the Rams while her mom was laughing at her sister’s teasing about their childhood cupcake stand. Meanwhile, as I carried a stack of plates, my granddaughter pulled at my sleeve, shrilly demanding another rainbow cookie. Couldn’t she play on her own for ten seconds? Should I speak to her parents about this?(MORE: What Your Toddler’s Teacher Will Never Say to Your Face)Then the flashback hit. I am transported over the decades to our weeklong visit to Nana and Papa in California. My girls are sleep-deprived and stretched to the limit. They’re bored with crayons and Legos, they’re not allowed to touch anything, and the adults are ignoring them. My 7-year-old starts running in manic circles around the glass cocktail table while her younger sister emits blood-curdling shrieks. They’re at their worst. And Nana is giving me the look, soon to be a lesson on teaching my monsters manners.Tensions and joy! ‘Tis the season. Surely there’s got to be a better way. So I asked a bevy of experts about handling all that pent-up anxiety that comes with mixing the holidays, family and clashing parenting philosophies, and they all agreed on one point: Keep the kids’ routines as normal as possible. Good luck with that! Excellent advice, no doubt, but hard to do when everything you depend on is changed.(MORE: Behold the Adorable Face of Terror: Toddler Removed From JetBlue Flight)That’s Tension # 1: the struggle between normality and nothing-like-normal. Then Tension #2: your own wish to enjoy the reunions versus the need to constantly supervise your children. And finally, especially with your own parents: Tension # 3: the imperative of being your child’s parent versus that old pull toward being your parents’ child and needing their approval.Can this holiday be happy? Sure, if imperfectly. But it requires a lot of forethought and preparation. So here are some tips for navigating upcoming gatherings and keeping the season bright.Prepare Your KidsYoung children need to know what will happen in an unfamiliar setting away from home. Before you leave, suggests Fran Walfish, a child and family psychologist in Beverly Hills and author of The Self-Aware Parent, make a picture book together. Draw the airplane, Grandma’s house, the people, and the gifts, right through to “bye-bye,” the return plane and home. “Visually narrate what will happen,” Walfish says, “all the changes, including sleeping in a different bed.”Definitely take the little one’s “blankie” or other attachment objects as well as favorite toys and familiar foods. For older children, explain what will happen and the rules for Grandma’s house. Make sure they bring things they like to do, such as video games, and, if possible plan some time on the trip, however brief, that’s just for them.Prepare the GrandparentsBefore you go, talk candidly with Grandma. Explain the challenges the kids will face, how they’re likely to react, and ask whether or how much the grandparents want to take charge of them. Also ask if there are breakable things they’d be willing to put away or if there are rules about certain areas. If you have strong preferences about how sweets or gifts are handled, gently express your feelings, but don’t be surprised (and remain flexible) if Nana and Papa can’t hold themselves back.Above All, Prepare YourselfStrike a balance in your mind between the fun you hope to have— the food, catching up, laughs, and memories—and the reality that your first priority has to be parenting your kids. That’s an order: “If your 4-year-old is having a tantrum because she’s overwhelmed and overtired, “says Walfish, “you need to stop everything and settle your child.” If you’d really like to talk to people, make a plan ahead of time with your partner—or a willing aunt or uncle—to take turns supervising the kids.And if Grandma does criticize you or your kids? Have your response ready. “Agree with them,” says Vicki Panaccione, a child psychologist and founder of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, FL, “Say, ‘You’re right, he is being really whiny today. I guess if I were four, I’d probably be that way too because there is so much going on that he’s not used to and he’s out of his routines.’”While you’re thereWhen over stimulation, exhaustion and changes in routine make your kids clingy, whiny, or otherwise impossible, suggests Panaccione, “Limit the overwhelm [sic] by coming to their rescue if they are inundated by people or gifts and explain to them why everyone wants to hold or kiss them.” Whatever their age, give them a breather and, if possible, some exercise. Read them a story in another room. Go for a walk, go to a store, change the scene. And cut your kids (and yourself) some slack. None of you are likely to be at your best.Most of all, try to relax and enjoy the good things rather than aiming for the impossible (news flash: your 3-year-old will not sit at the table long enough for you to savor a meal). “Focus on family togetherness,” says Walfish, “ Contrary to popular belief, what kids love most about Christmas and Hannukah is not the gifts. It’s the bonding and coming together of family.”Okay, so your family holidays won’t be like that Norman Rockwell picture. They never were. No one’s holiday was. But they’re your family—and your kids’ family. So laugh or cry or hug your child and live in this moment. And remember that it may be another year before it happens again—and never exactly like this.