How do I get my overachieving nine-year-old to relax?
My daughter remembered that she forgot to do her homework while brushing her teeth for bed. I said not to worry and that she could do it then. She starting crying and saying that she does everything wrong (her automatic response when anything goes wrong). Two days ago she got an 88 on a math quiz and started crying because she thought she was a failure, even though I told her I was still proud. I have never EVER put any emphasis on her grades, nor have I EVER expected perfection from her. Help!
Dear Mom, You sound like a warm, flexible, and very loving mother. First, let's be sure it is perfectionism that your nine-year-old is dealing with. Could it be that she fears her teacher's disapproval and anger? Does her father react when she fails with frustration or disappointment? Is there peer pressure within her class when other kids ask, "What did you get on the test?" If the answer to these questions is no then she may be a self-imposed perfectionist.Are there other areas in her life in which she supremely organizes (or attempts to) her environment? For instance, is her artwork filled with repeated patterns of colors, shapes, and figures? Does she line things up in categories of color, size, or height? Does she dress herself neat as a pin, or "without a hair out of place"?The bottom line is your daughter needs empathic narrative from you. The key is your vocal tone and body language when you say the following. Be sure to have genuine compassion in your voice. Say, "You know, Sweetie, I think sometimes it's hard to be you. You're so hard on yourself. You don't even give yourself a chance to misstep." Then, say nothing more. Watch her to see if your message seeps in. You should see her relax a bit and take a deep breath which is her way of letting go of some of the anxiety that keeps her wound up tight. The easier she can be on herself, the more she will be able to tolerate imperfection in others.We can't prevent life's inevitable letdowns and disappointments. The best we can do is equip our children with coping skills to deal with disappointments. Each time you let her wrestle with her own self-disapointment you give her an opportunity to grow. Remind her that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. And, we all need to accept ourselves -- flaws and all!
Parenting Things I Wish I Knew Sooner
1. How do you deal with separation anxiety?Dr. Fran: Separation anxiety comes from two root causes. One, either the parent (usually Mom) is over attached and does not nurture the separation process. Or two, mom or dad is “there” but isn’t accessible (detached or distracted) to the child so he or she feels emptiness. Mom needs to know she is okay without her baby and the child needs to know he or she is okay without mom.2. How do you learn to pick your battles when it comes to food?Dr. Fran: Never fight with your kids about what goes into their bodies or what comes out. I cannot tell you how many parents get stuck in two developmentally crucial areas – eating and pooping. (That’s why) girls get stuck with eating disorders and the boys get stuck in the pooping disorders. They are both anxiety based but quickly become control issues where the kid feels over controlled by the parent and, in the end, those are two body function control areas that the parent cannot win.3. How do you manage your own fatigue?Dr. Fran: Be sure to nourish and fortify yourself with individual time. Take a walk, listen to music, sit with your feet up and read a magazine. Do whatever makes you feel good and nourishes you. Get enough sleep, eat well, and have a confidant to talk to who will listen empathically without judgment. You need a person to talk to also.4. How do you strike a balance between your child’s personality and your own expectations?Dr. Fran: Every child is an individual and unique and parents need to adjust their expectations to each child’s capacity. For instance, if you have a kid with learning disabilities and fine motor weakness, your expectation of him doing handwriting work may be different from one of the kids who may not have the same weakness. You’ve got to adjust. Don’t expect your kid to do the adjusting, it’s the parent who needs to do the adjusting first and then your child will come to you to meet you in the middle.5. Being a parent is, perhaps, the most difficult job in the world. Why do we do this?Dr. Fran: In the unconscious mind there’s probably some thought about survival of the species. I really think, though, most people want to turn the clock around and “do it right this time.” They are trying to correct the wrongs that were done to them by their parents. Sadly, they either unconsciously repeat it without having walked that self-examination path or – the mistakes that were done to them they fix – but they make new ones that they regret. The answer to doing it right is a lot of work on one’s self. The better we know ourselves the better we can impart clearer messages to children.
How To Be A Good Parent
1. What do you do if you find that you sometimes don’t like your child?FW: Find some areas where you can empathize and identify with your child. Every child wants to feel understood. Sometimes parents see things in their children that remind them of themselves. You have to recognize this and accept your children, flaws and all.2. How do you make sure both parents are on the same page?FW: It’s common for moms and dads not to be on the same page. That old saying “opposites attract” applies to parenting too. Mom and dad might have different temperaments so you’ll need to find ways to have open and honest communication with your spouse. You need to talk about your shared values such as, “What do you value in people and in our families.” Talk about what you want to teach your kids. The likelihood is that you’ll have shared values like treating each other with kindness, and don’t hurt each other with our hands or our words. When you begin with shared values you can springboard to create mutually comfortable strategies for how to teach the children.3. How do you teach your children boundaries?FW: Each parent needs to balance two things at the same time. First, love and nurture. Second, setting and holding boundaries. Most of the parents I know are good at the first one and fall down somewhere in the boundaries. Where they fall down on boundaries is the follow through on taking action. Sometimes what you need to do is to take action that will trigger a temper tantrum (like turning off the TV) then empathically say, “I know it’s hard to stop doing something that’s fun” and then put your arms around your child to show empathy and help them settle down from the tantrum that just erupted while maintaining the boundaries.4. How do you teach your child to self-soothe?FW: Self-soothing begins at birth. What I suggest to moms, especially those who are breast feeding, is when you put the baby down to sleep, gently arouse the baby until they make eye contact and let the baby wrestle with the tossing and turning until they find that comfortable spot to go to sleep. The baby will find her thumb, a soft blanket or something that will help in the self-soothing process.5. How do you determine what’s appropriate autonomy and when?FW: It’s healthy for parents to develop their children’s autonomy and independence. Parents should reward every increment in your child’s autonomy and self-reliance with increments of more freedom and independence. Your child may, for example, want to go to the mall with his or her friends. Your child must demonstrate that they have the discipline to go to the mall responsibly by doing other things such as their homework, chores, always telling the parents the truth, and those behaviors get rewarded with allowing him or her the chance to go to the mall.AsianParent.com Malaysia edition.
Aging Parents: Family Feuds Over Care: Where's the brother-sister love?
Remember the old family feuds over who got the bigger piece of cake or who got to play with the Legos? Ah, brother-sister love.The stakes are higher when it comes to disagreements over caring for aging parents.
Can John boss Jane around and demand she spend a week with mom after her knee surgery? Can he tell her she should cancel a trip with her own kids because he wants her to hang out with their sick dad instead?Only one in 10 caregivers say family members share responsibility equally and without conflict, according to a study by the AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving.How can you and your siblings do better?Put a parent's wishes first. Unless mom suffers from dementia, let her decide, says Nashua, N.H., psychologist Carl Hindy, co-author of If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? "It's not a democracy where they all get a vote. It's up to her! If the parent is competent, the parent's wishes should be paramount."Compromise and try to get along with your brothers and sisters. Otherwise, your parent pays the price. "Not only is she trying to face her own medical issues, but now she has to take care of her kids, too," says Hindy. "She has to worry about whether she seems to be siding with one or the other, or coming between them. For most parents that's the last thing they'd want. They want their children to be close and support one another."Don't be bossy. "Suggest rather than direct," says Beverly Hills, Calif., psychotherapist Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent. "How would this feel to you? Would that work?' Use questions to give the person a sense they have a voice." Be flexible, she says. "Can we work this out where I really want to give a week, but that week won't work so well for me?"Make other siblings feel a plan is their idea. "It has to be presented with a question," says Walfish. "'What's your thought about what would work for you?' "They have to feel you're accommodating them – their schedule and their needs."Come up with a backup plan. "You cannot always depend on the siblings," says Walfish. For ideas on hiring help, visit sites such as Eldercare Locator.Don't pre-judge a sibling. "Things can quickly go in familiar old directions," says Hindy. "One is expected to be 'controlling,' another 'selfish,' another 'doesn't listen,' etc."Communicate as a group. Use technology to talk about important issues, especially if a parent is no longer mentally competent. "Most cell phones can add additional parties to a call, and people can Skype together, or interact in real time with text messaging or Facebook private messages," says Hindy. "So let's try to do that, rather than play the old game of 'telephone' where messages get distorted. And they're even more prone to distortion when there's a lot of emotional involved."Plan regular meetings. Hindy suggests three agenda items: medical status, the parent's needs and wishes, and the family's needs and wishes. "Let's all acknowledge that each of these categories is legitimate and important — but they're not the same," he says. "If we at least categorize our discussions in these three compartments, and I understand that this is neater in the abstract than in reality, we can be more appropriately sensitive to everyone's needs and wishes. If we are acknowledging them as our needs and wishes, rather than interjecting it as a medical idea or 'for mother's good,' there will be more understanding — better communication, less tension and arguing."Do the right thing. That may mean you spend more than your fair share of time with your aging parent. Lucky you! "Everybody has to figure out what works for them and their own conscience," says Walfish. "Am I left with a feeling of regret, or did I do as much as I could?"What family feuds? Here's to brother-sister love. Family.lifegoesstrong.com
Is pulling down Mom's PJs a joke, or should it be taken more seriously?
My eight-year-old girl sometimes pulls down my pjs when I'm getting ready. The other day, she did it in the kitchen, where we have lots of windows! My husband scolded her, sent her to take a shower, and said "Mommy is not your friend, don't ever do that again." Then told me, "You're not her friend, act like her mother. Ask your mother or any other mother if they would allow this." She told me she was just trying to make me laugh. How do I handle this behavior and frankly, my husband?
Dear Mom, your 8 year-old daughter's behavior is not age-appropriate. Taking her at her word, let's assume she was just "trying to make you laugh." Pulling down Mom's pajamas is an immature way to strike humor. On the other hand, your husband scolding her and sending her to take a shower is harsh, shaming, and negatively impacts her developing self-esteem.
It is quite possible that your daughter is curious about bodies and nudity. Still, it is not good for her to take away a permissive message from you.
Bottom line, this is a boundary issue. Both you and your husband need to be on the same page. Clearly tell your eight-year-old that bodies are private. No one should touch or see hers, or yours. Tell her it is normal and natural to be curious about what bodies look like without clothes. She has already seen Mommy naked and knows what Mom looks like so she does not need to continue this immature behavior.
Offer her acceptable ways she can make you laugh. She can tell you a funny story or say, "Look at me, Mom", if she wants your attention. Firmly add, "No more pulling down pajamas."
Tell your husband that is enough. No need to send her to shower which risks her feeling dirty and ashamed of what is likely simply immature behavior.
Dr. Fran Walfish, Parents.com "Ask The Experts", 3/13/13.
Alec Baldwin to Be Old Dad, Perhaps a Better Parent
Hilaria Thomas, Alec Baldwin, and Ireland Baldwin attend the Group For The East End's 40th Anniversary Benefit And Auction at Wolffer Estate Vineyard, June 23, 2012, Sagaponack, N.Y. (Sonia Moskowitz/Getty Images)
Feb. 14, 2013
At 60, Arthur Schwartz sees many of his college friends talking about retirement and grandchildren, but he is energetically immersed in the busy lives of his two young daughters, aged 9 and 7."I hang out at school with parents in their 30s," he said. "It changes your perspective on life.This is round two for Schwartz, a New York City lawyer who has adult children from a first marriage and two more with a much younger wife.However, becoming a father in his 50s, he now enjoys the patience and perspective of maturity.See Photos of the Oldest Celebrity Dads"It was different, for sure," Schwartz said about raising his first family, a 25-year-old son and a 22-year-old daughter, when he was in his 30s."I didn't spend enough time with the older ones," he said. "I worked until 8 or 9 at night. ... I worked one day a weekend and sometimes two."It's also take two for comic actor Alec Baldwin. Just this week, at 54, the same age as Schwartz when he started a family anew, Baldwin announced to the TV show "Extra" that his 28-year-old wife, Hilaria Baldwin, is expecting their first child.Schwartz said his reaction to Baldwin's news was, "Good for him, but he better slow down and make time for [the baby] -- and don't run for [New York City] mayor."Baldwin has a 17-year-old daughter, Ireland, with his first wife, Kim Basinger.
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He once had a strained relationship with his daughter. In a 2007 voicemail, he famously called Ireland "a rude, thoughtless, little pig.""Alec Baldwin is getting second chance in life to do it right this time," said Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of "The Self-Aware Parent."Other celebrities, like 68-year-old Michael Douglas, have publicly said they made better fathers later in life. His 34-year-old son, Cameron, from a first marriage, has struggled with drug abuse. But today, Douglas reportedly enjoys a close relationship with his children with Catherine Zeta-Jones -- Dylan, 12, and Carys, 9.Men with younger children say it keeps them "feeling young, alive, and mortal," said Walfish. "It is a distorted belief that, unconsciously, is an antidote to fear of dying. Having a younger woman and kids keeps the lid on their anxiety about their demise."But on the positive side, older men in second marriages often make better parents.http://abcnews.go.com/Health/alec-baldwin-wife-pregnant-fatherhood-time/story?id=18494143
Dr. Fran's Top 10 Tips For Giving Your Child More Independence
1. Balance nurturing, setting limits, and holding boundaries. Kids can only become independent if they have been given structure and internal guidelines as foundation.2. Encourage healthy expression of anger. You will help your child develop excellent communication tools that include conflict resolution skills. Your child needs to know he is acknowledged, validated, and accepted flaws and all!3. Nurture and praise your child's incremental steps toward separation. To be a good parent you must prepare and equip your child to deal with life and then let them fly on their own.4. Encourage your child's unique and individual ideas, thoughts, and opinions.5. Built self-esteem by using words that support and motivate with empathic attunement, rather than criticize.6. Equip your child with coping skills to deal with disappointments. We cannot protect or prevent life's disappointments. The best we can do is equip our children with coping skills to deal with inevitable letdowns.7. Reward your child's demonstration of good judgment and good behavior with incremental amounts of increased independence and freedom.8. Do not allow yourself to be pressured by your child. What her friends are allowed or what her brother was allowed has nothing to do with her individual level of readiness for independence.9. Have individual one-on-one special time with each child. Begin when they are young and continue to implement this quality uninterrupted time with your son or daughter. This is your opportunity to build upon the first year of attachment. True independence can only come out of a healthy secure bond.10. Create a support system for yourselves, Moms and Dads. It's hard to let go of your child. The psychological goal of toddlerhood is for the youngster to claim himself as a separate being from Mommy and Daddy. The psychological goal of adolescence parallels that of toddlerhood. The teen's goal is to resolve the separation process. This means your adolescent must emerge into adulthood with his own ideas and opinions about relationships, religion, morals, ethics, sex, character, and values. There is life ahead for empty-nest parents. Good luck, Moms and Dads!!
What Youth Can Take Away From the Fall of Lance Armstrong
Lance Armstrong recently admitted in exclusive and extensive interview with Oprah Winfrey that he repeatedly used banned illegal dopePersonally choosing Winfrey for his “big reveal,” Armstrong answered numerous questions and revealed truths that many have longed to know.For example, the once beloved cyclist told Winfrey that he had used banned illegal dope and other drugs throughout his career. In fact, doping had played a major role in all seven of his Tour de France triumphs.Yet Armstrong noted, that at the time of his big wins, he never felt guilt or shame in using the illegal dope.To many critics, during his interview, Armstrong lacked any remorse for his previous actions.However, it seemed that he did feel terrible about the impact that his actions have had on his family. For instance, Armstrong held back tears as he talked about having to tell his son that the rumors about his cheating were true. He told his son: “Don’t defend me anymore.”It is clear that the repercussion of Armstrong’s actions will greatly impact the rest of life. So what can society–especially youth and young adults–take away from Armstrong’s actions?Dr. Fran Walfish, who is Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent told RIZZARR that youth and young adults can learn a lot about how lying, cheating, and greed will eventually lead to one’s destruction.She believes that primary take away from Lance Armstrong’s actions of cheating and lying is to always tell the truth. By doing so, anyone will avoid trouble at all costs.“If you lie, you will forever be hiding and running from the truth,” Walfish told RIZZAR. “When you’re caught, it can end your career — whatever field you are in.”Walfish said that truth will always come out eventually. For Lance, “his truth” was greatly revealed during the interview.“What we see exposed is Lance’s self-proclaimed arrogance, defiance, and fierce ambition to “win” at any cost,” she said. “As an experienced psychologist, I see through Lance’s emotional thinking and it’s clear he has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The main defining trait is that he lacks the computer chip in his internal character organization to imagine the impact of his own behavior on others. He felt entitled with no remorse about the unfair leg up he stole over his competition.”Even during his confessions, Walfish noted Lance did not look like he felt guilt. In her opinion, he simply looked ashamed about getting caught: “A Narcissist will always shoot himself in the foot at the hands of his own greed. “She concluded her thoughts by saying that she hopes youth and young adults will realize that the truth will always eventually be revealed. The way to rise to the top –and to stay there– is to live by honesty.
Instant Gratification
Do you ever have one of those episodes with your children where you wonder, “When is he going to stop doing this?” Your child does something weird, aggravating, or just won’t grow out of a phase? Wish you had someone there to give you the help and advice you’re seeking? Well, your in luck. Breezy Mama is very excited to introduce our Question of the Day piece. A simple (ha!) parenting question with the answer you need. Even more exciting is who will be doing the answering. . . Dr. Fran Walfish, who is an Expert in Parents Magazine’s “Ask Our Experts” column, has agreed to become our “Question of the Day” expert! So send us your questions (alex@breezymama.com) and Dr. Walfish will answer it in a future Breezy post. Now on to today’s question. . .When do children understand that they can’t have “instant gratification”? For example, while in the car, my 4 year old daughter asked to have a snack. I replied that I didn’t have any food with me, yet she kept asking, over and over again, working herself up into a tantrum. What advice can you give for this?Children need to be introduced to the concept of “delayed gratification” in the early toddler phase which kickstarts at 18 months. They must practice wrestling with the experience of “delayed gratification” dozens and dozens of times before they understand they can’t have “instant gratification”. We do not expect a child to demonstrate and master “delayed gratification” until they are at least 4 years-old. The way to teach a child to wait for what they want is through empathic narration. If a child wants the red ball her preschool friend is playing with she might grab it. The best way to respond is with empathic narration which is talking out loud about what she wants and feels. You might say (in a genuinely empathic tone of voice), ”You want the red ball and right now Sally is holding it. It’s hard to wait for your turn. You get mad when you can’t have the red ball.” Watch your child’s intensity decrease. She may not calm immediately but you will see her come down a notch. Then, you can offer alternatives. For instance, you can say “Let’s go find the blue ball to play with while you wait for Sally to finish her turn and give you the red ball.”
Your question poses a bit of added factors – hunger and fatigue. When your child is hungry and asking for a snack it’s extra hard to wait. Hunger can lower blood sugar and make tired, as well. She repeated her demand for “instant gratification” of food over and over which was her way of telling you she couldn’t take no for an answer. Each time she demanded food it reminded her of what she was not getting. Her anger and frustration is what escalated into the tantrum. Once you have an out-of-control 4 year-old you must first help her settle down. Pull the car over and turn off the ignition for safety. Join her in the backseat of the car and hold her physically and supportively to contain her. This helps her keep a lid on her rage. Tell her you understand she is mad at Mommy for not having food and snacks in the car. Encourage her to tell you about her strong feelings. Let her know that next time you will be sure to keep a stash of snacks in the car.
Family Gatherings Can Be Challenging
Courier, The (Findlay, OH) - Monday, December 24, 2012
Author: LOU WILIN ; STAFF WRITER
With blessings at Christmas family gatherings will come challenges for many: the abrasive conversationalist, unwanted advice, old arguments, pressure to pick a side in a drama."Most families have some dysfunction. Nobody had perfect parents ... It helps to know you're not the only one. That's first," said Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills, Calif., family psychotherapist and author of "The Self-Aware Parent."But some families have deeper problems than others. When alcoholism or other addiction, divorce, suicide, abuse or other trauma or tragedy happens, everyone in the family gets hurt. And the hurt can reverberate for generations. Sacred family gatherings can get soiled as old hurts replay, often unconsciously."So often in these families ... there is so much disappointment because people get their hopes up high in fantasies that this time our family will get together and be a happy, loving, healthy family," Walfish said. "And we all come with our baggage and the tapestry of the history of our childhoods, and unfinished business."How to avoid getting entangled in snits and feuds, yet still be open to sharing Christmas love and joy? Walfish and other psychotherapists, counselors and conflict specialists suggest you develop a plan, with ready-made responses to nettlesome situations. It helps you refrain from taking bait that leads to trouble."¢ First, drive yourself to the gathering. Don't count on someone else to drive you home.Set reasonable arrival and departure times. Consider limiting your visit to two hours, if need be. A time limit helps you be more thoughtful and inhibits reflexive, reactive responses, Walfish said.Have a ready-made reason to leave, whether it is stating you have to work the next day or you have someone else to visit."Escape plans are really smart. Just have a Plan B and an escape plan, so that you have something you can say," said Rebecca Daniel-Burke, director of professional projects and career services for the American Counseling Association. "It might be viewed as an excuse, but that's OK. It gets you out.""¢ If someone raises a topic you are not comfortable discussing - be it personal, politics or gossip - just say so, Walfish said."What you say is, 'I'm not comfortable talking about that,'" she said.Walfish's other suggested replies: "I'm not comfortable walking that road or proceeding in that conversation."Keeping peaceful, boundary-setting phrases in your back pocket helps, Walfish said.It can be as simple as saying "I don't know" when asked what you think about a sensitive issue or what your position is on a controversy."It's not unusual for people to provoke old stuff at family gatherings. So it's OK to say, 'I don't know' for the sake of peace," Walfish said. "That's my feeling. You can say, 'Gee, I don't know. I'm going to give that some thought.' You don't have to answer it right away. You're not on the witness stand."Another response if put on the spot about a divisive topic: "You know, there are 10 people sitting here at our dinner table, and I'll bet there are 10 different tweaked points of view, and I think in our family we have to agree to respect differences, or we just have to agree to disagree," Walfish suggested.Whatever you say, it's important to keep your tone of voice good-natured and kind, she said."¢ Resist giving opinions or taking sides when asked about the latest family drama.Laurie Puhn, lawyer and author of "Fight Less, Love More," suggests saying something like: "It's a tough situation, but it's something you have to work out together. I don't have a place in that discussion."Don't be surprised if the other person persists, she said. Be ready to repeat yourself. If the person tries to back you into a corner by implying your silence signals agreement with something, Puhn suggests the answer: "I'm not agreeing. I just don't have a place in that discussion.""¢ Unwanted advice about your career, kids or weight can be peacefully deflected, Puhn said.Her suggested response: "Thanks for your opinion. I will think about it."This shows appreciation, and benefits you in another way."The person giving you their opinion doesn't feel the need to keep repeating themselves," Puhn said.Be confident, she said, and remember this visit too shall pass."You don't have to convince anyone else of your right to have the life that you want. When you walk out that door, your life is what you want it. You're only in that space a few hours," she said. "So the pressure you feel to defend yourself should be alleviated knowing how great your life is out the door.""¢ If we have felt disappointed about past Christmas gatherings, we may need to change our expectations."There's a collision that happens during the holidays and the collision is between fantasy and reality," Daniel-Burke said. "We have so many things that are feeding our fantasies around the holidays. When you turn on the TV, and you listen to Christmas carols, you get into kind of a reverie and you want to think of things as ideal."You can still hope for a wonderful time. But you also can avoid a letdown by accepting that you may not have a wonderful time, Daniel-Burke said."¢ Be what Walfish calls a "curious conversationalist." Instead of talking about yourself, ask family members about the things they are involved in."¢ If things get tense, cool down in another room, Walfish said. Excuse yourself for a bathroom break or take a walk."The key is to remove yourself ... All of us have automatic, knee-jerk reactions when we're immersed in our family dynamics," Walfish said. "And it's very easy to be blind to them, and when you're blind, you're in it and you're caught. So remove yourself and get unstuck before you're in the thick of it."Or in a tense situation, you can simply state you are feeling you are on overload and want to chill out and enjoy the turkey."And then you can get up and go to the kitchen and help clean up or serve," Walfish said. "Take an action that takes you away from the fighting. It's always helpful to take an action step and walk in the opposite direction of the line of fire.""¢ "Find some of the good moments in between the bad ones. Remember why you are there," Puhn said. "You're there for the good moments."Don't become so obsessed with setting boundaries that you miss being a witness or participant in a sweet moment. Accept that things will happen that you may not like. You are not at the gathering to change a relationship or establish your identity, Puhn said."The event is not about you. It's not about making you happy," Puhn said. "Keep your eye on the prize ... the five minutes you're in the kitchen preparing turkey with your mother and she shares a recipe that's special or you see a grandparent with a grandchild."
It's the Holidays. How to Handle the Inevitable Toddler - TIME magazine
TIME PARENTING
It’s the Holidays. How to Handle the Inevitable Toddler Tantrums
By Francine RussoDec. 21, 2012Add a Comment
There they all were from far and near— my kids and their partners in every room of my New York apartment. They were standing, lounging, chatting, drinking, passing my 6-month old grandson from lap to lap. Piercing the din was the insistent whine of my 4-year-old granddaughter for…something.I adore my granddaughter. She has loving and attentive parents. But right now her Dad was animatedly defending the Rams while her mom was laughing at her sister’s teasing about their childhood cupcake stand. Meanwhile, as I carried a stack of plates, my granddaughter pulled at my sleeve, shrilly demanding another rainbow cookie. Couldn’t she play on her own for ten seconds? Should I speak to her parents about this?(MORE: What Your Toddler’s Teacher Will Never Say to Your Face)Then the flashback hit. I am transported over the decades to our weeklong visit to Nana and Papa in California. My girls are sleep-deprived and stretched to the limit. They’re bored with crayons and Legos, they’re not allowed to touch anything, and the adults are ignoring them. My 7-year-old starts running in manic circles around the glass cocktail table while her younger sister emits blood-curdling shrieks. They’re at their worst. And Nana is giving me the look, soon to be a lesson on teaching my monsters manners.Tensions and joy! ‘Tis the season. Surely there’s got to be a better way. So I asked a bevy of experts about handling all that pent-up anxiety that comes with mixing the holidays, family and clashing parenting philosophies, and they all agreed on one point: Keep the kids’ routines as normal as possible. Good luck with that! Excellent advice, no doubt, but hard to do when everything you depend on is changed.(MORE: Behold the Adorable Face of Terror: Toddler Removed From JetBlue Flight)That’s Tension # 1: the struggle between normality and nothing-like-normal. Then Tension #2: your own wish to enjoy the reunions versus the need to constantly supervise your children. And finally, especially with your own parents: Tension # 3: the imperative of being your child’s parent versus that old pull toward being your parents’ child and needing their approval.Can this holiday be happy? Sure, if imperfectly. But it requires a lot of forethought and preparation. So here are some tips for navigating upcoming gatherings and keeping the season bright.Prepare Your KidsYoung children need to know what will happen in an unfamiliar setting away from home. Before you leave, suggests Fran Walfish, a child and family psychologist in Beverly Hills and author of The Self-Aware Parent, make a picture book together. Draw the airplane, Grandma’s house, the people, and the gifts, right through to “bye-bye,” the return plane and home. “Visually narrate what will happen,” Walfish says, “all the changes, including sleeping in a different bed.”Definitely take the little one’s “blankie” or other attachment objects as well as favorite toys and familiar foods. For older children, explain what will happen and the rules for Grandma’s house. Make sure they bring things they like to do, such as video games, and, if possible plan some time on the trip, however brief, that’s just for them.Prepare the GrandparentsBefore you go, talk candidly with Grandma. Explain the challenges the kids will face, how they’re likely to react, and ask whether or how much the grandparents want to take charge of them. Also ask if there are breakable things they’d be willing to put away or if there are rules about certain areas. If you have strong preferences about how sweets or gifts are handled, gently express your feelings, but don’t be surprised (and remain flexible) if Nana and Papa can’t hold themselves back.Above All, Prepare YourselfStrike a balance in your mind between the fun you hope to have— the food, catching up, laughs, and memories—and the reality that your first priority has to be parenting your kids. That’s an order: “If your 4-year-old is having a tantrum because she’s overwhelmed and overtired, “says Walfish, “you need to stop everything and settle your child.” If you’d really like to talk to people, make a plan ahead of time with your partner—or a willing aunt or uncle—to take turns supervising the kids.And if Grandma does criticize you or your kids? Have your response ready. “Agree with them,” says Vicki Panaccione, a child psychologist and founder of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, FL, “Say, ‘You’re right, he is being really whiny today. I guess if I were four, I’d probably be that way too because there is so much going on that he’s not used to and he’s out of his routines.’”While you’re thereWhen over stimulation, exhaustion and changes in routine make your kids clingy, whiny, or otherwise impossible, suggests Panaccione, “Limit the overwhelm [sic] by coming to their rescue if they are inundated by people or gifts and explain to them why everyone wants to hold or kiss them.” Whatever their age, give them a breather and, if possible, some exercise. Read them a story in another room. Go for a walk, go to a store, change the scene. And cut your kids (and yourself) some slack. None of you are likely to be at your best.Most of all, try to relax and enjoy the good things rather than aiming for the impossible (news flash: your 3-year-old will not sit at the table long enough for you to savor a meal). “Focus on family togetherness,” says Walfish, “ Contrary to popular belief, what kids love most about Christmas and Hannukah is not the gifts. It’s the bonding and coming together of family.”Okay, so your family holidays won’t be like that Norman Rockwell picture. They never were. No one’s holiday was. But they’re your family—and your kids’ family. So laugh or cry or hug your child and live in this moment. And remember that it may be another year before it happens again—and never exactly like this.
When Your Child Pal Offends
THE PARENT'HOOD, THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
When your child's pal offends
Your daughter's pal throws around the word 'retard' a lot. Is it OK to speak up?
 Your child's pal uses an offensive word (Eric Herchaft, Getty Images / December 6, 2012) |
By Heidi Stevens, Tribune NewspapersDecember 19, 2012
Parent adviceFrom our panel of staff contributorsNot just OK, but mandatory, especially in your earshot and/or under your roof; silence can be interpreted as tacit approval. Depending on the age, you might interject with "Whoa, that's really not a nice word; you can really hurt people's feelings that way." Ratchet up as the severity or frequency if the usage continues. If the pal is older, you can explain that there are people with developmental disabilities and that holding them up to ridicule, even indirectly, is cruel. You're not really just talking to your daughter's friend; you're also letting your daughter know where you draw the line.— Phil VettelEmphasize how hurtful and cruel it is to kids who, through no fault of their own, are different. A lot of kids just go along with their peers using words like "retard" without understanding what they really mean. It's a parent's job to explain that these words — especially popular among boys are crude expressions for homosexual — aren't just silly slang. And if she continues, continue to correct her.— Ellen WarrenHaving a zero-tolerance household for slurs and other bad behavior is a good idea. We're of the mind that all of our kids' friends are welcome in our house, but when they exhibit bad behavior, we don't hesitate to correct them with the same rules we impose on our kids. It falls under the "not in my house" rule. I take the kid aside to avoid embarrassment and say something like, "Can I talk to you for a sec? We don't use that word here because it hurts people, like a punch, and we don't let stuff like that happen in our house, OK?" Then release him back into the wild.— Michael ZajakowskiExpert adviceIt's both OK and important to speak up, says family therapist Fran Walfish, author of "The Self-Aware Parent" (Palgrave MacMillan).Equally important is your tone."Your job, as the adult in the situation, is not to blame or judge or be punitive or harsh," says Walfish. "You want to have an almost benign tone of voice."This will set the stage for the little offender — and your own child — to actually hear your message, rather than bury it in a pile of embarrassed defenses."What I would say is, in a very compassionate tone, 'I get it. That's how your friends talk. But in our house we have the rule that we don't hurt each other with hands or words. Those words can be hurtful to some people, and in our house we don't take that chance,' " Walfish suggests. "Then leave it at that. Only say, 'And you're only welcome in our house when you don't use that word' if she keeps using the word over and over."If your child's friend is directing derogatory words at your child, you can alter your approach a bit to help her see the impact of her language."You position yourself as a mediator," says Walfish. "Your first question is to your own child, 'Hey, how do you feel when your friend calls you that?' You want to empower the receiver of the hostility and encourage her to tell the other child how she feels. Then you explain to the friend that in your house, it's a rule that you don't hurt each other with hands or words."Tone remains critical in both cases."You can't be sarcastic," Walfish says. "You can't be mean or seem overprotective. You're just being clear: This is how it is. That language has to stop."Have a solution? Is it OK to sneak your kids' old toys away to charity when they're not looking? Find "The Parent 'Hood" page on Facebook, where you can post your parenting questions and offer tips and solutions for others to try.
Parenting Amid the Connecticut Tragedy
Words fail. How does a parent try to explain to a child what happened at the elementary school in Connecticut yesterday. The horrific massacre is every parent's worst nightmare - unthinkable.Unless your child has been exposed to this incident - by radio, TV, or internet, there is no reason to bring it up to him. The likelihood, however, is that he heard about it in school either in a classroom discussion or overheard other kids talking about it on the playground.Begin by asking him what he heard versus shoving too much upsetting information into him. Begin by asking, "Did anything happen at school today that you want to talk about?" This open-ended question leaves the door wide open for your child to bring up anything he has on his mind.If your child says, "Did you hear what happened at the school in Connecticut?" it's best to explore what he knows. Ask him what he heard, read, or saw. Then you can start the conversation based on what he knows, answering his questions honestly, minimally, and be able to tweak and correct any misinformation to the best of your ability. The idea is to be truthful, yet not unnecessarily raise his anxiety. Say as little as possible and state the bare facts.If he asks, "What happened?", say "Some grown-ups and children were killed at a school far away from where we live."If your child asks "Why did he do that?" say, "He had a serious problem with his brain and thinking and he did a terrible thing. Just like people sometimes have problems with their bodies, like a hearing loss or a hand that doesn't work, once in a long while someone has a severe problem with his brain. The guy who did the shooting had a big problem with his brain and he did a horrible, crazy thing. But, once in a rare while someone's mind doesn't let him know what's right and what's wrong. But, this is very, very rare." If your child is older, 10 years and up, depending on his maturity level, encourage the conversation. Ask him what he thinks might have been going with someone who does something so horrific. Share the same facts about mental illness, and the rarity of the act. Not only will he share the burden of his fears with you, thereby lessening the weight on his shoulders, and you will be able to reassure him of the randomness of the act and how remote the likelihood of it happening again is. You might also consider mentioning how the media and internet bring terrible news instantly and relentlessly. Having it thrown at you constantly makes it even bigger in a child's mind. Fears of all kinds may be generated in your child. Do not try to downplay his fears. Rather, acknowledge that you understand he is frightened. Reassure him over and over that you are all safe, that this was an unusual event. It takes people, including children, time to process events like the killings in Connecticut. Don't be surprised if he continues to ask questions over and over. He is only trying to make sense of the senseless the best he can.Be careful how you talk about the events when your child may be listening. Kids hear everything and they have laser-sharp radar that zones in on your affect.
Boys and Fathers Relationships
1) Define some various relationship patterns between boys and their dad’s.
* Healthy Attachment - Dad is interested and well-engaged with his son. When Dad gazes at his son his eyes beam adoringly.* Detached Father - Father is not there. Either Dad and Mom have archaic assigned roles that Dad is the breadwinner while Mom is the primary custodial parent, or Dad's personality is limited by an inability to emotionally connect.* Unavailable Father - Dad is there but focused on other things. He is not readily available to warmly respond consistently to his son's needs.* Sports Dad - Father is intensely into sports and can only relate to his son on an athletic level, both as spectator and active participant.* Disciplinarian Father - This dad has entered into a usually unspoken agreement that Mom is the nurturer while Dad is positioned in the family as the disciplinarian. This family dynamic causes serious problems in the kids when they go through adolescence.
2) Our focus is on attachment in how it relates to child development. Can you provide examples/insight on the attachment levels between boys and dads? We would like to look at both healthy attachments and unhealthy attachments.
From birth to 12 months of age, the primary psychological goal for every boy (and girl) is bonding or developing a strong, secure, healthy attachment to Mommy. Daddy takes a backseat to Mommy during this first important phase of developing Trust and Security within the newborn infant. At age 12 months, most infants begin to stand and take their first steps. This begins and lifelong Separation Process. Age 18 months kickstarts the crucial toddler phase of development. From 18 months to 4 years of age toddlers are in Rapprochement. I believe this is the most critical stage of human development. The following crucial goals including Self-Declaration (I am "me" - not you); self-feeding; self-soothing; toilet-training; delayed gratification; frustration tolerance; language and motor skills; and sexual identification - all must be practiced and established by every child by age 4 years. Little boys are facilitated and help in both potty training and sexual/gender identification by showering/bathing with Daddy, wrestling, tossing a ball back-and-forth, and playing running, chase, and tag games. If Daddy is absent or unavailable, a warm empathic and fun uncle, grandfather, or Mom's buddy can step into this needed role. During Latency Phase (7-12 years of age), boys need their dads to rough-house, wrestle, do sports, and talk with. Teens need more of the same. Also key is that sons are carefully observing their fathers with laser-sharp radar. Dads need to know they are the model for how and what their sons will become.
3) How does over-attachment affect a child’s development? (Boys, specifically)
Over-attachment to Daddy in boys (and girls) is highly unusual. It is more common for boys to become overly-attached to their mothers. An over-attachment is unhealthy because both parent and child become too inter-dependent on each other. In worst case scenarios a Symbiotic Relationship develops in which neither child nor parent can function without the other. Parents need to understand and adopt the belief that separation, self-reliance, and independence are the goals for every child. You must praise every increment in your sons and daughters toward moving out into the world independently. If you need to hold tight to your son or daughter this is worthy of self-examination to raise your awareness and not put this onto your kids.
4) How is a child’s child development affected if there is no attachment (boys specifically)?
If there is no attachment to the father sons can find the necessary traits required for clear self-identification in another warm, empathic male who can buddy-up or mentor the boy child. If, however, there is no, or limited, attachment to the mother very serious personality/characterological problems may develop. The child is at risk of becoming a sociopath because in the early months and years he had no warmly attuned parent to consistently respond to his cries and needs. The child learns the world is not a safe place and grows to emerge without a conscience or guilt. He feels entitled to things he was gypped out of during childhood.Many boys are raised by a single mom and turn out just fine. Moms can parent effectively and well without a male partner or spouse. The key is to find the right men who will be present in the growing son's life on a consistent basis over a long period of time. Continuity is crucial to imprint the child's identity.
Raising Good Kids
DR. FRAN'S TOP TIPS FOR "RAISING GOOD KIDS"* Always be curious and open enough to look within and become more self-aware.* Be kind and nice to your child(ten).* Do not strive for perfection. Be "good enough."* Don't get caught in power struggles.* Never engage in negotiations, bargaining, or deal making.* Balance nurturing, setting limits, and holding boundaries.* Listen to your child(ten). Interpret both verbal and non-verbal cues.* Encourage healthy expression of anger.* Nurture and praise your child's incremental steps toward separation and independence.* Encourage your child's unique and individual ideas, thoughts, and opinion.* Have special time with your kids every day.* Shield your children from hearing Mom an dDad fight. Restrain the impulse and either find a private place or wait until after the kids are asleep.* Ask questions of others if you don't know what to do.* Have a weekly date night and daily talk time with your spouse/partner. The foundation of your family is built upon the bricks and mortar of your marital relationship.* Build self-esteem by using words that support and motivate with empathic attunement, rather than criticize.* Equip your child with coping skills to deal with disappointments. We cannot protect or prevent life's disappointments. The best we can do is equip our children with coping skills to deal with inevitable letdowns.
RAISING GOOD KIDS: Parenting in 3-D
When children lash out in anger after not getting their way, parents typically respond with a stern reprimand and treat their child’s outburst as “wrong” or negative. Or, a parent might succumb to his child’s bad behavior by letting her do as she pleases. According to Dr. Fran Walfish, the leading Beverly Hills child and family psychotherapist whose caring approach and innovative strategies have placed her at the forefront of her profession, “Most children lose their connection to their parents during episodes of anger. This breakdown causes children to keep secrets and hide things from their parents, ultimately creating pathways to later issues including lying, drug and alcohol use, and more.” Dr. Fran’s Parenting in 3-D methodology, which has been a transformative force in the lives of parents for the better part of two decades, provides a powerful solution for dealing with your child’s anger in a way that builds self-esteem and creates a healthy expression of all emotions at an early age. “When parents can acknowledge, invite, and openly validate angry feelings, their child becomes calm and feels accepted,” Dr. Fran adds. “This acceptance is what builds the child’s evolving self-esteem and is a prerequisite for all good relationships with peers, teachers, employers, spouses, and you, their parents.” Next time your child lashes out in anger, Dr. Fran strongly urges putting into practice her Parenting in 3-D formula: Discard the DEFENSIVE. Every parent wants to be both loved and liked by their child. Parents should understand that your child will sometimes be mad at you or reject you altogether (especially when you are asking them to stop a behavior or do something they would rather not do).This behavior is a necessary part of claiming themselves as a separate being with individual wants and wishes. Don’t undermine the boundaries you attempt to create by being defensive or giving in. Instead, take a deep breath (or two) and think before speaking. DEMONSTRATE empathy with words. In the midst of a tantrum or other exaggerated behavior, many parents refuse to accept the episode, and ignore it by stepping away until the child is ready to behave. As a result, your child may think his/her feelings are not accepted. Instead, acknowledge to your child that you understand he is disappointed and upset, and narrate verbally what your child is feeling. Say with warmth and sincerity, “I see you are angry with me, and I’m the kind of mom who really wants to hear about it right to my face. Tell me about how mad you are at me.” Also address your child’s response with empathy. For instance, with a three-year-old, you might say, “Mommy sees you are disappointed. You want more play time and now it’s bath time. You got angry at Mommy. It’s hard to stop when you want more.” Being a container for your child’s anger will help him/her view you as a person that they can confide in. It also establishes your place as a stable figure, one who will not attack, run or collapse when the going gets rough. This is very important to convey to your child as she grows and faces larger issues. DIRECTIVE-DISCIPLINE with boundaries. Talking through a situation allows your child to feel heard. However, once he understands that you acknowledge and accept his displeasure, set the boundary and follow-through by taking action and “directing” (i.e. moving your child toward his responsibility, or your command). In this case, simply walk him into the bathroom and help him into the tub. Do not over-indulge him with gadgets and gifts to compensate for his struggles. According to Dr. Fran, being a good parent requires two things to happen together: loving/nurturing your child, and at the same time, setting/holding boundaries. To love your child is only half the job; children need firm boundaries, too.
Top Tips For Managing Your Temper
* Deal with your anger in the moment. The build-up and surprise factor is the scariest part for your child.
* When angry, remove yourself, take a short cool-down time, then return and deal with the situation directly and in a calm manner.* Refrain from verbal putdowns, berating, or spewing hostilities to your child (or spouse). Make this a solemn commitment.* As you recognize and accept anger as a natural, normal human emotion, accept it in your child. Invite your child to tell you about it openly.* Talk about feelings with your child. Embrace anger as just another acceptable feeling.* Set and hold boundaries matter of factly, rather than with a flurry of anger.* Work on extending your tolerance for delayed gratification. Be patient. Your child will comply only if you are supportive and on their team.* Teach your child to always tell you the truth. Assure him that you will work on not getting so angry because you love him and do not want to scare him.* Know that you are a model for your children. Your child will think, "If Daddy explodes, why shouldn't I?"* Be kind to yourself. Know this is a process, not a quick fix. Be sure to hold on to your motivation to raise happy, healthy, disciplined, loving children.