Dr. Fran's Top 10 Tips For Giving Your Child More Independence
1. Balance nurturing, setting limits, and holding boundaries. Kids can only become independent if they have been given structure and internal guidelines as foundation.2. Encourage healthy expression of anger. You will help your child develop excellent communication tools that include conflict resolution skills. Your child needs to know he is acknowledged, validated, and accepted flaws and all!3. Nurture and praise your child's incremental steps toward separation. To be a good parent you must prepare and equip your child to deal with life and then let them fly on their own.4. Encourage your child's unique and individual ideas, thoughts, and opinions.5. Built self-esteem by using words that support and motivate with empathic attunement, rather than criticize.6. Equip your child with coping skills to deal with disappointments. We cannot protect or prevent life's disappointments. The best we can do is equip our children with coping skills to deal with inevitable letdowns.7. Reward your child's demonstration of good judgment and good behavior with incremental amounts of increased independence and freedom.8. Do not allow yourself to be pressured by your child. What her friends are allowed or what her brother was allowed has nothing to do with her individual level of readiness for independence.9. Have individual one-on-one special time with each child. Begin when they are young and continue to implement this quality uninterrupted time with your son or daughter. This is your opportunity to build upon the first year of attachment. True independence can only come out of a healthy secure bond.10. Create a support system for yourselves, Moms and Dads. It's hard to let go of your child. The psychological goal of toddlerhood is for the youngster to claim himself as a separate being from Mommy and Daddy. The psychological goal of adolescence parallels that of toddlerhood. The teen's goal is to resolve the separation process. This means your adolescent must emerge into adulthood with his own ideas and opinions about relationships, religion, morals, ethics, sex, character, and values. There is life ahead for empty-nest parents. Good luck, Moms and Dads!!
What Youth Can Take Away From the Fall of Lance Armstrong
Lance Armstrong recently admitted in exclusive and extensive interview with Oprah Winfrey that he repeatedly used banned illegal dopePersonally choosing Winfrey for his “big reveal,” Armstrong answered numerous questions and revealed truths that many have longed to know.For example, the once beloved cyclist told Winfrey that he had used banned illegal dope and other drugs throughout his career. In fact, doping had played a major role in all seven of his Tour de France triumphs.Yet Armstrong noted, that at the time of his big wins, he never felt guilt or shame in using the illegal dope.To many critics, during his interview, Armstrong lacked any remorse for his previous actions.However, it seemed that he did feel terrible about the impact that his actions have had on his family. For instance, Armstrong held back tears as he talked about having to tell his son that the rumors about his cheating were true. He told his son: “Don’t defend me anymore.”It is clear that the repercussion of Armstrong’s actions will greatly impact the rest of life. So what can society–especially youth and young adults–take away from Armstrong’s actions?Dr. Fran Walfish, who is Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent told RIZZARR that youth and young adults can learn a lot about how lying, cheating, and greed will eventually lead to one’s destruction.She believes that primary take away from Lance Armstrong’s actions of cheating and lying is to always tell the truth. By doing so, anyone will avoid trouble at all costs.“If you lie, you will forever be hiding and running from the truth,” Walfish told RIZZAR. “When you’re caught, it can end your career — whatever field you are in.”Walfish said that truth will always come out eventually. For Lance, “his truth” was greatly revealed during the interview.“What we see exposed is Lance’s self-proclaimed arrogance, defiance, and fierce ambition to “win” at any cost,” she said. “As an experienced psychologist, I see through Lance’s emotional thinking and it’s clear he has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The main defining trait is that he lacks the computer chip in his internal character organization to imagine the impact of his own behavior on others. He felt entitled with no remorse about the unfair leg up he stole over his competition.”Even during his confessions, Walfish noted Lance did not look like he felt guilt. In her opinion, he simply looked ashamed about getting caught: “A Narcissist will always shoot himself in the foot at the hands of his own greed. “She concluded her thoughts by saying that she hopes youth and young adults will realize that the truth will always eventually be revealed. The way to rise to the top –and to stay there– is to live by honesty.
Talk the Talk: Language That Helps Build Business Relationships
Fight The Power: How To Survive Power Struggles At Work
- Power struggles at work can be draining, stressful and counter-productive. But there are ways to handle these tough situations, say experts.“The most powerful thing you can do...let go of the rope! The other person reels backward and finds themselves holding the slack end of the rope with no idea what to do next. You don't win, but you don't lose either,” says Linda Galindo, author of The 85% Solution: How Personal Accountability Guarantees Success -- No Nonsense, No Excuses. “How do you let go of the metaphorical rope? Stop putting any energy into 'winning the power struggle' and get your 'Definition of Success' and 'Role Clarity' firmed up. Role clarity includes outlining the specific authority you have to do your job.”If you can, avoid getting involved in power struggles at work. And don't take sides. "Power struggles are rarely between two people, and so it’s common for others to be brought into it. It’s better to acknowledge someone’s feelings than their controversial position or side of a power struggle. Instead of agreeing with a manager or another co-worker, make a supportive observation like, 'This has to be frustrating. How long can this go on?´ or 'This must be so frustrating for you. How can anyone be so oblivious to how their actions are affecting other people?´ If ever confronted by the other person, you can honestly state that you observed that they seemed very frustrated and you hope they can work it out,” advises Debra Yergen author of Creating Job Security Resource Guide. “Of course you don’t want to be labeled as Switzerland… being compared to Switzerland is never a compliment and you may end up the target of both parties.”Beverly Hills psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent, agrees and adds, ”It is wise to maintain a neutral position that gives each one of the feuding partners a sense of validation from you. Taking sides risks you becoming the Bad Guy. In the end, people can turn against you. Suddenly, you could find yourself in the position of the other two siding against you. Remain friendly, kind, understanding, and give little that communicates your personal biases.”But if you must get involved or directly involved, then have a strategy. “If you need to personally get drawn into a power struggle, treat it like a chess game and think out the consequences a few possible moves ahead,” says Yergen. “Always think of the long-term consequences, and if it gets too bad, it may be time to freshen up your resume. Even if you don’t jump ship, having offers will absolutely increase your confidence.”If things get too heated, be careful with whom you draw into the fray. “If you find yourself caught in a power struggle at work, it's best to take a blink, breathe deeply, and step back to get some perspective,” explains Dr. Walfish. “Fighting or battling in the office is generally not a good idea. Do not threaten to consult lawyers or take matters into further dispute. Try to dissipate the intensity of emotions. Sometimes, it helps to talk to a trusted person outside of the office like your pastor, counselor, or a therapist. Getting good advice from a trusted, clean-slate point of view is a good idea.”Once the dust settles, you want to remain standing and still have a good enough relationship with the other person to be able to work together.
Could a Lack of Men Drive Women to Focus on Career?
Feeling "unattractive" can push women too, university researchers find
The idea that "having it all"—a husband, career, income, and kids—can mean ultimate happiness for a woman has been debated, denounced and defended by many but, according to a new study, it's a woman's impression of her own eligibility, as well as the availability of eligible men, that can influence her definition of what having it "all" means, too.Upon examining the ratio of single men to single women in every U.S. state, Dr. Kristina Durante, assistant professor of marketing at University of Texas, found that the less abundant bachelors were—or even appeared to be (for the purposes of the study, researchers led female college students participating in the study to believe such simply by having them read one or two news articles on the student population)—the more women were likely to delay life as a wife and mother, and pursue high-paying jobs.Additionally, Durante found that if women self-identified as "less desirable to men," they were more likely to embark on an ambitious career path.[Less Confidence Could Make You More Successful?]"Most women don’t realize it, but an important factor in a woman’s career choice is how easy or difficult it is to find a husband,” said Durante. “When a woman’s dating prospects look bleak, as is the case when there are few available men, she is much more likely to delay starting a family and instead seek a career.”For women's career commitment to be dependent on how worthy and attractive they feel (or, are to men) may sound disheartening, but Dr. Fran Walfish doesn't doubt that it's true."Libido, or sexual urge, drives the human-being," said Walfish. "It is the gasoline that drives us. If there is no hope felt on the part of the woman in pursuit of acquiring a man, then she must direct those urges toward something that will pay off. For many, it is their work and careers."
Feeling "unattractive" can push women too, university researchers find
Megan Charles of theInquistr, however, is much more reluctant to accept Durante's findings as fact."Women are typecast as the damsel[s] who only want to work just long enough to find someone else to take care of us," wrote Charles. "It’s offensive to assume we, as women, are just biding our time, playing college student and hard-working career chick, while waiting for Prince Charming to swoop in and end our needless pursuit of an education and income."Charles would likely find comfort in knowing that last October, a poll conducted by Citi and LinkedIn revealed that more than a third of women (36 percent) didn’t factor marriage into their definition of “having it all” and nearly a third – 27 percent –didn’t include children in that definition at all. Still, being "in a loving relationship" was one of the top two factors, alongside "having enough money to do and buy what they want."[Could You Avoid Your Mirrors for a Month?]Additionally, data released by Gallup last September showed women have become increasingly interested in working outside the home; 51 percent of the more than 1,000 respondents preferred that option (“if they were free to do either”) over “staying at home and taking care of the house and family.”Still, Walfish maintains that women who feel they exhibit less-than-average looks (and subsequently feel less-than-worthy of love), succumb to stronger career aspirations by default."Often, this harder pursuit toward work is unconscious, or without thought," said Walfish. "It's automatic. Most people will go towards the thing that rewards. If the reward cannot be found in a man, the woman will turn her energies toward something that feeds, nourishes, and more immediately rewards -- her work."
Family Gatherings Can Be Challenging
Self-Esteem
*What is your expertise and how long have you been an expert in it?
I am expert in children (ages 0-18 years), families, couples, and all relationships. I have been expert for over 25 years on clinical staff at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and in private practice.*What is self-esteem, exactly?Self-esteem as defined in Webster's dictionary means how one values or regards themselves. In my world of psychology, self-esteem is impacted by many factors. How our mothers and fathers relate to us directly impacts our sense of ourselves. For instance, if you had a father who was harshly critical of you on a repeated basis, then you (the child) take in (introject) the judgmental, harshly critical, punitive self-judge. This is one of the many dynamics that assault a person's self-esteem. If, for example, you had a loving, nurturing mother, you have a good likelihood of introjecting the loving supportive aspect of your mother which fortifies your self-esteem. Self-esteem is strengthened by our own accomplishments and achievements. A prerequisite for building a solid foundation of self-esteem is for the individual to establish their own autonomy and independence from their parents. Only after healthy separation is established can we truly begin to feel good about ourselves. How we treat other people, establishing our own careers/income, and having warm, healthy relationships are all solid contributors to our evolving self-esteem.*How does what society says is good, right, and beautiful color our self-esteem? Is this always a negative thing? Please explain.Some of the messages in our society and current culture sabotage a person's self-esteem. For instance, print magazines and the media portray beauty as being thin. Any female who had a harshly critical parent may beat herself up for not physically matching society's image of attractive. Society places too much emphasis on external beauty and not enough focus on internal beauty including character, values, morals, and the way we treat each other.*How much of self-esteem is what we have internalized from outside messages (we’ve drunk the Kool Aid), and how much of it is from what we really are and feel?I treat many patients who had "good-enough" parents. Yet, they were mistreated badly by their peers in school. They were excluded, teased, and bullied. These experiences negatively affect a person's self-esteem. Everyone wants to belong to a group. When kids are rejected by their peers these feelings of undesirability are internalized. For instance, I have treated beautiful tall, thin women who could be models. They are beautiful! Yet, in childhood they were brutally teased and called names for being too tall and too thin. Many of these women are self-conscious with low self-esteem. It doesn't match how beautiful they look on the outside because they value themselves as "less than." One can have low self-esteem in one area of their life while having high self-esteem in other areas. A person can feel genuinely great about themselves in work/career and, at the same time, feel bad about their appearance.*How do people with high self-esteem and those with low self-esteem behave differently? Does behavior function to enhance or detract from self-esteem? How so? Please explain.People with high self-esteem never brag or show-off. They are not shaken if other people disagree with their point of view. They remain clear and confident in their own ideas and opinions. They have a sturdy core and a sunny disposition. People who are angry, critical, and mean do not have high self-esteem. People with low self-esteem tend to boast and put-down others. Many people with low self-esteem apologize for their behavior when they have done nothing wrong. This is as a defense against people being angry at them. People with low self-esteem can't bear to be the target someone's anger or rage. Some people with low self-esteem look sad and walk with a low posture. These folks have chronic low self-esteem which can lead to depression, in some cases.*How do people with high self-esteem and those with low self-esteem manifest behavior in any of the same ways?Self-esteem can go in waves. Everyone feels good about themselves and sometimes bad about themselves. There are some parallels in the behaviors of people with high self-esteem and those with low self-esteem. For example, people with high self-esteem are kind and generous to others - just because that's who they are. People with low self-esteem can be observed as kind and generous to others, but it's because they want to be liked. Their behavior is the same as people with high self-esteem (who are relaxed) but their motivation is anxiety driven.*Do the people in your life affect your self-esteem? How so? Please explain and provide examples, if possible.The goal for all people is to have a solid, sturdy self-esteem that is not shaken, nor collapses, based on how people in their lives treat them. How we feel about ourselves should remain primary. This is easier said than done. When we are kind, generous, fair, and empathic to others this is the foundation of our self-esteem. Also, our own personal and professional accomplishments build upon the foundation that is established in human relatedness. Of course, all of us care deeply about the people in our lives. But, when the other person's opinion takes precedence over our own, or when we emotionally collapse under the pressure of someone else's opinion this is a problem that needs professional help to deal with.*How can someone begin to improve his/her self-esteem? Are there any easy exercises?Changing one's self-esteem requires work and a great deal of motivation. To improve your self-esteem you must first replace the harsh self-judge with a benign self-observer. The harsh self-judge is called the Superego. The person has developed too much conscience, guilt, and feeling of "I am bad." To establish a benign self-judge, you must first turn up the volume of self-awareness. Each time you notice yourself being hard or self-critical you need to gently shrug your shoulders and think, "Oops, there I go again." You are exchanged criticism with gentle acceptance. No one is perfect. You must accept yourself - flaws and all!*Can changing personal appearance in healthy ways enhance self-esteem? How so? When does it become unhealthy?Changing personal appearance in healthy ways can enhance self-esteem. For instance, if someone accepts all of who they are except for their over-sized or crooked nose, then by all means it's fine to have a nose-job (cosmetic surgery). I have known many women and some men, too, who have positively impacted their self-esteem when they corrected or improved their physical appearance. The danger or risk is with two things. First, if they only focus on their outside appearance and neglect to also work on how they feel about themselves on the inside. The second danger is if cosmetic surgery becomes an obsessive compulsive pattern. I treat some women who are addicted to going under the knife to continually change their appearance. The folks have very low self-esteem and need professional help to focus on the inside emotionally. Just remember, self-esteem emerges and builds as a process. It is not an overnight sensation. Make a lifelong commitment to be kind to yourself as well as compassionate and kind to others.
Dr. Fran's 7 Secrets of Happy Business Professionals
1. Give up trying to control other people, especially your partner.2. Praise every increment in yourself toward independence and moving outward into the world. Cherish your ability to stand on your own.3. View people as good until they demonstrate otherwise. Most people are good. Those who are not will reveal themselves in time and you can weed out the ones who are not worthy of your trust.4. Do not strive for perfection. Be "good enough."5. Build self-esteem toward self and others by using words that support and motivate with empathy, rather than criticize.6. Express your feelings in the moment. Do not allow anger and disappointment to build up inside you. Say what you feel clearly and respectfully. It will free you.7. Give yourself Special Time. Take 10-15 minutes each day to be with yourself and chill. You'd be surprised how challenging this is when you have a spouse, children, and clients tugging at you 24/7. Give yourself short, undivided, positive attention each day for nourish and fortify you.