11/7/13 11/7/13

Charlie Sheen's 4 year-old Twins Out-of-Control

Denise Richards wants to give up temporary custody of Charlie Sheen's "violent" 4 year-old twins, Bob and Max, for their outbursts and aggression toward her daughters and torturing the family dogs. Their mother, Brooke Meuller, has been in and out of rehab numerous times. Charlie Sheen went on-camera today making an impassioned plea to the Judge begging to stop visitation of the boys with their mother because they come home even more out of control. He added that the boys are at risk for being expelled from their school.Because this is a high-profile celebrity family the case brings to the forefront the issue that children pay the highest price in divorce. These young children need to be evaluated and treated in child play therapy. A well-trained child development psychologist needs to get to the bottom root cause of the kids' anger and acting-out. Are they reacting to a poor model of parental yelling and chaos? Are they confused because they are no longer living with their biological mother or father? Or, is it simply a case of what I term "covert deprivation" which occurs in privileged, affluent families who have the financial means to provide the best of everything but deprive the children of basic emotional nurturing and boundaries. Ahh…..boundaries. Clearly, no one knows how to stop these 4 year-olds from hurting people and animals. They are 4! No adult in their lives seems to understand or know how to contain a preschooler's rage. This can be taught. At age 4, children have just rounded out the toddler phase of development. It is normal for toddlers to be physical and aggressive before they have mastered language skills and reasoning. They also have not yet developed a ceiling cap to hold powerful feelings. This is why toddlers need close supportively guiding supervision. When they test the waters a loving parent should be there to direct the child to appropriate behavior. The Sheen twins are in crisis. Their home and school situations are tenuous. I certainly hope the Judge will order child therapy for Bob and Max. At age 4, these boys are still emotionally pliable. Early intervention can only lead to a more positive outcome.

10/19/13 10/19/13

Dr. Fran's Top 10 Tips For Managing Your Temper

Deal with your anger in the moment. The build-up and surprise factor is the scariest part for your child.
When angry, remove yourself, take a short cool-down time, then return and deal with the situation directly and in a calm manner.
Refrain from verbal putdowns, berating, or spewing hostilities to your child (or spouse). Make this a solemn commitment.
As you recognize and accept anger as a natural, normal human emotion, accept it in your child. Invite your child to tell you about it openly.
Talk about feelings with your child. Embrace anger as just another acceptable feeling.
Set and hold boundaries matter of factly, rather than with a flurry of anger.
Work on extending your tolerance for delayed gratification. Be patient. Your child will comply only if you are supportive and on their team.
Teach your child to always tell you the truth. Assure him that you will work on not getting so angry because you love him and do not want to scare him.
Know that you are a model for your children. Your child will think, "If Daddy explodes, why shouldn't I?"

10. Be kind to yourself. Know this is a process, not a quick fix. Be sure to hold on to your motivation to raise happy, healthy, disciplined, loving children.

9/21/13 9/21/13

Excerpt from Dr. Fran Walfish interview in Forbes magazine 9/20/13

Why Paying for My Daughter’s College Is My Ultimate Life GoalThis desire to give your children as much as possible is something Dr. Fran Walfish, a child and family psychologist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child,” sees often. She explains that the parent-child dynamic has changed even in the past generation or two. “ I think parents are inclined to put their children first because they’re so desperate today to have their kids like them; they cannot bear to have their children angry at them,” she says of the helicopter-parent generation. “Some parents are just generally selfless, but we are living in the generation of entitlement. Grown young adults have an expectation that they deserve and should be given to, and think they have the ability to convince their parents to give in.”Dr. Walfish finds that kids whose parents can’t or won’t help them beyond a certain point take more responsibility for themselves. “I think that kids whose parents can’t afford to help them turn out O.K.,” she muses. “Those kids are forced to tap into their own resources—not just financial, but also emotional—to find ways of generating their own income. In the end it’s better for them.”

If you’re concerned about putting yourself first financially, Dr. Walfish points out that being a financial resource for your children is less critical than being an emotional resource. “Parents need to feel good about whatever they can give and not feel guilty about the limitations of what they cannot,” she says. “What they can always be generous with is their loving support and positive cheerleading. They can always be there to say, ‘Yes, you’re doing it on your own!’ That’s a great feeling for a kid—I think it means more than having the cash.”To pull back on your contributions, she recommends simply being honest with your children. “Tell them, ‘I truly wish I could give you this money, but I have to earmark it in case something comes up. I’d rather you learn to be independent and financially autonomous now while I’m well and can enjoy watching you grow than spring a surprise burden on you later.’” She says that the main message, however you choose to convey it, should always be that giving them less money isn’t a punishment—it’s an opportunity for your children to grow.

7/28/13 7/28/13

Sexting and Anthony Weiner

As an experienced psychotherapist, I now have seen enough evidence to confidently declare that Anthony Weiner has serious personality and character problems that are indelibly in him. No amount of therapy can fix a person who refuses to take responsibility and be accountable for their actions. There are many different ways to say "I'm sorry" but the only way that counts is that in which the person really means it. That said, people want to understand why Mr. Weiner's wife stays with him. There are a few ways to begin to bring meaning to her decision. Some women need the "family" to stay together. Family carries a strong value and weight perhaps because there was divorce, chaos, and turbulence in their families of origin. They can't bear to lose the other parent, the foundation of the family. Other women may be in denial wishing and hoping that "this time" my man will get it together and walk the straight and narrow. Whatever the personal reasons are for Huma Abedin, it is important for us to remain open-minded and non-judgmental. No one really knows what goes on in their personal lives except for those two people living in their home.A person who can't get enough of sexting has a complicated personality. First, he is a Narcissist in that his pleasure comes first; he lacks the component in his personality that can imagine the impact of his own behavior on others; and his grandiose belief that he can and will get away with the secrecy. Sexting counts as cheating because the wife feels betrayed and violated. If you discover your partner is sexting other women online confront him. If he lies, denies, or blames you for invading his privacy you can be sure there is more trouble ahead. If he owns up to his misgivings and shows genuine remorse, regret, and begs to get help then you've got a shot for a future. Women, try to be painfully honest with yourselves whether this is a one-time failing or if this is a pattern. I am currently treating a couple in which the man is a serial sexting/cheater. His lady is hurt and angry each time she catches him. But, she continues to go back and give him another chance. It has become vicious cycle. This cycle will be very difficult to break since both partners are rigidly invested in keeping things status quo.

6/6/13 6/6/13

Psychotherapist DR. FRAN WALFISH weighs in on Paris Jackson on WENN

Paris Jackson, 15, was hospitalised following a medical emergency at her Calabasas, California home on Wednesday and emergency services officials have confirmed they responded to an emergency call regarding "a possible overdose".Now Dr Fran Walfish, the author of The Self-Aware Parent, tells WENN the youngster's apparent suicide attempt raises several issues.She says: "This month marks the fourth anniversary of her beloved father, Michael's, death. Anniversaries like this are particularly vulnerable times for surviving close family members. Paris's mother, Debbie Rowe has said Paris has 'a lot going on'. Certainly, we can all guess the possible reasons for her desperate actions."Here's the bottom line: No person attempts to end their life unless they feel there is no one available who truly understands and connects with them emotionally... Often, children's individual needs are missed. The takeaway here is that Paris will likely need good psychotherapy to develop a trust-based longterm relationship with someone who gets her."Dr Walfish, who has never had any dealings with Paris, urges the teen's family members to make plans for when she comes home from hospital."The family will need to provide 24/7 supervision and companionship so as to not risk another suicide attempt."Everyone must now set aside their personal battles and self-centred objectives and make Paris and her emotional health front and centre priority number one."People who feel no one understands them are vulnerable to wanting to join a beloved deceased parent or family member. Given Paris' personal circumstances and the anniversary of her father's death she was a high-risk candidate for suicide."

6/4/13 6/4/13

Got Wedding Envy? When To Talk With Your Partner About Marriage

It's that time of year.

The photo albums from the bridal showers. The lovey-dovey status updates. Wedding season has taken over your Facebook page.And while your friends may be entering a new blissful stage in life, things have remained the same between you and your beau. Does this mean you should be hurrying to walk down the aisle or is your relationship headed to Splitsville, population you?READ: Is Your Relationship an Online Overshare?As it turns out, you may be experiencing a very common dilemma thanks to social media.“’Wedding envy’ is definitely a phenomenon that exists,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent.” “You may occasionally hear of a cluster of friends getting engaged around the same time, and even scheduling wedding dates in close proximity. This is because many young women can’t bear the feeling of being ‘left out.’”Experiencing jealousy after witnesses your friends’ blossoming love lives on Facebook isn’t a new concept. In a recent study conducted by two German universities, it was reported that one in three people felt more dissatisfied with their lives after browsing the world’s largest social networking site. Relationship success was recognized as the third most envy-causing incident. And with the warmer summer months comes wedding season, which means many women in relationships are likely to fall prey to such a phenomenon.However, experts advise thinking twice before discussing this social media-induced marriage itch with your significant other.“Wanting to get married is basic, but it doesn’t mean you are with the right person or that you are both ready,” says Nina Atwood, dating coach and author of "Temptations of the Single Girl." “You are ready for marriage when you have spent enough time together to know exactly who you are getting, warts and all. The other thing is what makes you compatible or not, such as religion, children and finances. When you have acceptance, plus you are aligned on your core values, you are ready to marry.”READ: 'Will You Marry Me?' There's an App for ThatAccording to psychologist Karen Sherman, seething in resentment is not only unhealthy, it can quickly strain an otherwise stress-free relationship.“I think it’s dangerous to be tempted to get married because you get the itch based on social media,” says Sherman. “Based on social comparison theory, we look to others to see how we’re doing. Social media certainly makes it easier to do this. But the decision to marry is a serious commitment and one that should not be entered just because everyone else has done so. For all you know, others who are announcing their plans have been influenced by other social media postings!”Dr. Walfish adds that focusing on your relationship reality is far more important than what trying to keep up with your friends.“Don’t talk with your man until you are crystal clear on your goals and expectations,” she says. “Then share them with your partner. Listen to his. It’s also very important to examine how as a couple you resolve conflicts. You don’t always have to agree, but you must be able to bear differences with mutual respect.”READ: How Facebook Hurts Your RelationshipAnother way to deal with wedding envy? Chill out.“Be careful you don’t let it impact your relationship with your guy,” says Atwood. “He will probably not understand it and will only feel pressured. The very best proposal is when he initiates it instead of you pressuring him to do it sooner than he is ready. I say talk it out with your friends first, let it go and relax.”Read more: http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/got-wedding-envy-when-talk-your-partner-about-marriage#ixzz2VJT8n9xI

6/1/13 6/1/13

Challenges Parents Face

Here are my top eight most difficult milestones every parent must face. Each one is critical. You will likely transition through each one by holding your spouse/partner's hand and using trial and error.If you bump up against a wall in one of these areas please reach out to a child development specialist or psychologist for guidance. Fasten your seat belts and away you go.The Eight Most Challenging Things Parents Face:1) Teaching their infant to self-soothe and sleep through the night.2) Responding to their toddler’s declaration of separation and autonomy with compassion and empathy. This declaration includes the toddler saying “no;” temper tantrums; and defiant behaviors.3) Equipping their child with coping skills to deal with disappointments.4) Tolerating being the target of their child’s anger and rage.5) Dealing with their child pitting Daddy against Mommy for things the child wants-demands.6) Being on the same page as their spouse regarding discipline and follow-through with consequences.7) Letting go of their teenage children by rewarding responsible behavior with more independence and freedom.8) Not intruding on their adult child’s life. Respecting separation and boundaries.

5/13/13 5/13/13

Five Reasons Why Cuddling Is Good For Couples

Q. Dear Dr. Fran, my husband stiffens and freezes every time I initiate hugging. The only time he is willing to snuggle is if it is foreplay that leads to sexual intercourse. I can’t help but feel rejected. What should I do to fix this? Marilyn H. A. Dear Marilyn, I can understand you feeling rejected. Your husband has difficulty with intimacy. This is not a sexual problem. It is one of closeness and attachment that probably stems from the kind of attachment he had to his mother and father.Each one of us has a comfort zone regarding closeness to other people. That includes a spouse and even children.Have a dialogue with your husband. Sometimes, bringing the issue out into the open can clear a pathway toward warmer closeness and intimacy.Here are five reasons why cuddling is good for couples. If after talking with your husband things don’t improve, reach out to a qualified couples therapist to determine if individual or couples therapy is indicated.• Reason 1: It Feels GoodCuddling releases oxytocin, which is also known as the feel-good hormone. It increases overall happy feeling.Cuddling can also release endorphins, which is the chemical released after a good workout or when you eat chocolate which contributes to that great feeling.• Reason 2: It Makes You Feel SexyThe most obvious benefit to cuddling is getting close to your partner in the physical sense. There is also the release of dopamine, which is an excitatory hormone that increases sexual desire.• Reason 3: It Reduces Stress and Blood PressureHugging, kissing, or more physical acts of touch increases oxytocin levels, which is a “bonding”’ hormone—this chemical reaction can help reduce blood pressure, which in turn reduces the risk of heart disease, but it can also help to reduce stress and anxiety.• Reason 4: It Bonds Women with Babies and PartnersCuddling is healthy for people because of the obvious factor of emotional attachment.Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that is closely linked to childbirth and breastfeeding, and a recent study shows it has a biological role in bonding between mother and baby.The study, led by Lane Strathearn, an assistant professor of pediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine, shows that women raised with insecure attachment themselves are more likely to have difficulty forming secure attachments with their children (and partners).”It’s healthy to want to be close. Too little or too much is not good. Observe and explore your own personal comfort zone. You will be a better communicator with your partner on how much feels good and when it gets too close for comfort. Your goal is to find a balance between your comfort zone and needs along with your partner’s.• Reason 5: It Helps You Communicate BetterMost people want to feel understood, and communication is the vehicle by which they transmit understanding and empathy. Non-verbal communication can be a powerful way to say to your partner, “I get you.” Cuddling is a way of saying, “I know how you feel.” It allows us to feel known by our partner in ways that words can’t convey.The Beverly Hills Courier, May 10, 2013

4/3/13 4/3/13

Ask A Private School Admissions Expert: Dr. Fran Walfish

What is the typical timeline for private school admissions? For example, outline a sample timetable of applications, interviews, decisions, etc.

Dr. Fran: There are 1,533 private schools in the Los Angeles County. In California, applications for private schools are in October and November. Acceptance/rejection/wait-list letters go out the second week of March. Interviews are held at various times in between. Parents experience a great deal of anxiety going through the process. In turn, they put their children through high levels of stress preparing, studying, taking classes and sample exams, getting ready for the Day of Judgment.What is the typical process admissions officers go through to evaluate applications? Dr. Fran: There is no typical process. Each admissions officer has their own way of evaluating applications. This is partly why parents’ anxiety goes through the roof. They ultimately have little to no control over how the process and outcome will go. Most schools look at whether there are one or two working parents, ethnicity (to include diversity), income, how many kids are in the family, references from previous preschool teachers/directors, and the child's medical and psychological (if applicable) history.What are the most important things children need to have represented on their applications? Dr. Fran: Flexibility is the most important thing a child should represent, both on their applications and in the personal interview. Flexibility includes how easily the child separates from parents, how well the child manages transitions/change, and how the child wrestles with conflict. Naturally, schools are looking at basic intelligence. Some schools place IQ higher on the priority list than others. Basically, schools want happy, healthy, energetic, motivated, well-behaved, wholesome children.What are common mistakes parents and/or their children make when applying to these programs? Dr. Fran: One of the common mistakes parents make is neglecting to evaluate the parent population in the school. You are not only evaluating the children as potential friends but moms and dads are also signing up for the next six years. Be sure there are other parents at the school you can relate and connect with. Too many times, children go to a school in which their parents feel on the outs with other families. Evaluate your happiness – as well as your child's. How should parents go about determining the culture of a private school, and whether it would be a good fit for their children? Dr. Fran: Parents should observe the school at a number of different times during various activities. Parents should also inquire with other parents whose children currently attend the school. Ask, ask, ask! How important are standardized test scores when admissions decisions are being made? Dr. Fran: Standardized test scores vary in importance from school to school. Scores must be reasonably high, but many schools understand and factor in test-anxiety. Some good schools evaluate the total child, meaning they look at test scores along with community service, sports endowment, and athleticism, math and writing skills.What tips do you have in regards to ISEE prep, SSAT prep, and preparation for other standardized assessments that private schools might require?Dr. Fran: Tip #1: Take the prep classes. Prep tutors are extremely helpful, too. Don't think just because your child is naturally smart he or she will ace the exams. These tests are very specific. It helps to be prepared for the type of questions and to practice speed. Encourage your child to eat well, exercise, and get plenty of rest during the preparation and actual testing process. Offer relaxation techniques including visualization and breathing exercises. These help your child relax and do his or her best. What are the most important things parents need to have well represented about themselves when meeting with admissions officers? Dr. Fran: It is very important to represent that both parents are on the same parenting page and united. Admissions officers are well practiced at observing non-verbal cues that communicate whether parents are together or not. Also, moms and dads should listen respectfully without interruptions during the meeting. Everyone's nerves are high when there is only so much time to get your ideas across. Both parents should position themselves as searching for the best fit for their child. Finally, the parents should declare that "this" school is their first choice. If the school thinks you are shopping for a backup acceptance and are likely to take another offer, they would prefer to avoid dealing with you. It is too much trouble for the school to wait-list another family and then when you accept an offer elsewhere they must reach out to the waiting family as a second choice.How does networking and having in-school connections affect one's chances of admission?Dr. Fran: Networking and having in-school connections can have a positive effect if the in-school family is wealthy, powerful, and has given generous contributions to the school. It is very sad but real. Rich families carry more weight in private schools. Fact.How can a student best prepare for admissions interviews? Dr. Fran: Parents should enlist the help of a kind, benign, adult who can role-play the interview process with your child. I have done this with many children and families in my private practice office. The reason it's best to not be the parent is because the results usually mean too much to parents. We do not want any child to feel they failed or disappointed their parents. Parents can, however, play the "What if's" game. This means to stimulate your child to think about unexpected situations. Ask questions like, "What will you do/say if you have to use the bathroom during the interview?"; "What will you do/say if you don't know the answer to a question?"; and so on. See what your child comes up with. Offer that there's nothing wrong with saying, "I don't know." Administrators respect a person who can admit not knowing.

2/14/13 2/14/13

Alec Baldwin to Be Old Dad, Perhaps a Better Parent

PHOTO: Hilaria Thomas, Alec Baldwin, and Ireland Baldwin attend the Group For The East End's 40th Anniversary Benefit And Auction at Wolffer Estate Vineyard, June 23, 2012, Sagaponack, N.Y.

Hilaria Thomas, Alec Baldwin, and Ireland Baldwin attend the Group For The East End's 40th Anniversary Benefit And Auction at Wolffer Estate Vineyard, June 23, 2012, Sagaponack, N.Y. (Sonia Moskowitz/Getty Images)

Feb. 14, 2013

At 60, Arthur Schwartz sees many of his college friends talking about retirement and grandchildren, but he is energetically immersed in the busy lives of his two young daughters, aged 9 and 7."I hang out at school with parents in their 30s," he said. "It changes your perspective on life.This is round two for Schwartz, a New York City lawyer who has adult children from a first marriage and two more with a much younger wife.However, becoming a father in his 50s, he now enjoys the patience and perspective of maturity.See Photos of the Oldest Celebrity Dads"It was different, for sure," Schwartz said about raising his first family, a 25-year-old son and a 22-year-old daughter, when he was in his 30s."I didn't spend enough time with the older ones," he said. "I worked until 8 or 9 at night. ... I worked one day a weekend and sometimes two."It's also take two for comic actor Alec Baldwin. Just this week, at 54, the same age as Schwartz when he started a family anew, Baldwin announced to the TV show "Extra" that his 28-year-old wife, Hilaria Baldwin, is expecting their first child.Schwartz said his reaction to Baldwin's news was, "Good for him, but he better slow down and make time for [the baby] -- and don't run for [New York City] mayor."Baldwin has a 17-year-old daughter, Ireland, with his first wife, Kim Basinger.

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He once had a strained relationship with his daughter. In a 2007 voicemail, he famously called Ireland "a rude, thoughtless, little pig.""Alec Baldwin is getting second chance in life to do it right this time," said Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of "The Self-Aware Parent."Other celebrities, like 68-year-old Michael Douglas, have publicly said they made better fathers later in life. His 34-year-old son, Cameron, from a first marriage, has struggled with drug abuse. But today, Douglas reportedly enjoys a close relationship with his children with Catherine Zeta-Jones -- Dylan, 12, and Carys, 9.Men with younger children say it keeps them "feeling young, alive, and mortal," said Walfish. "It is a distorted belief that, unconsciously, is an antidote to fear of dying. Having a younger woman and kids keeps the lid on their anxiety about their demise."But on the positive side, older men in second marriages often make better parents.http://abcnews.go.com/Health/alec-baldwin-wife-pregnant-fatherhood-time/story?id=18494143

1/21/13 1/21/13

What Youth Can Take Away From the Fall of Lance Armstrong

Lance Armstrong recently admitted in exclusive and extensive interview with Oprah Winfrey that he repeatedly used banned illegal dopePersonally choosing Winfrey for his “big reveal,” Armstrong answered numerous questions and revealed truths that many have longed to know.For example, the once beloved cyclist told Winfrey that he had used banned illegal dope and other drugs throughout his career. In fact, doping had played a major role in all seven of his Tour de France triumphs.Yet Armstrong noted, that at the time of his big wins, he never felt guilt or shame in using the illegal dope.To many critics, during his interview, Armstrong lacked any remorse for his previous actions.However, it seemed that he did feel terrible about the impact that his actions have had on his family. For instance, Armstrong held back tears as he talked about having to tell his son that the rumors about his cheating were true. He told his son: “Don’t defend me anymore.”It is clear that the repercussion of Armstrong’s actions will greatly impact the rest of life. So what can society–especially youth and young adults–take away from Armstrong’s actions?Dr. Fran Walfish, who is Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent told RIZZARR that youth and young adults can learn a lot about how lying, cheating, and greed will eventually lead to one’s destruction.She believes that primary take away from Lance Armstrong’s actions of cheating and lying is to always tell the truth. By doing so, anyone will avoid trouble at all costs.“If you lie, you will forever be hiding and running from the truth,” Walfish told RIZZAR. “When you’re caught, it can end your career — whatever field you are in.”Walfish said that truth will always come out eventually. For Lance, “his truth” was greatly revealed during the interview.“What we see exposed is Lance’s self-proclaimed arrogance, defiance, and fierce ambition to “win” at any cost,” she said. “As an experienced psychologist, I see through Lance’s emotional thinking and it’s clear he has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The main defining trait is that he lacks the computer chip in his internal character organization to imagine the impact of his own behavior on others. He felt entitled with no remorse about the unfair leg up he stole over his competition.”Even during his confessions, Walfish noted Lance did not look like he felt guilt. In her opinion, he simply looked ashamed about getting caught: “A Narcissist will always shoot himself in the foot at the hands of his own greed. “She concluded her thoughts by saying that she hopes youth and young adults will realize that the truth will always eventually be revealed. The way to rise to the top –and to stay there– is to live by honesty.

12/14/12 12/14/12

Halle Berry

I was tracked down by paparazzi shortly after my interview about Halle Berry's Thanksgiving Day drama was published by WENN. I recommended that Halle Berry help her daughter through through this no doubt traumatic time by taking her to talk with a therapist. Here's the article.

Halle Berry's four-year-old daughter should see a therapist to deal with family tensions resulting from a fight between her father and her mother's fiance, according to one of Los Angeles' top child psychologists.

On Thanksgiving Day, the actress' ex Gabriel Aubry and fiance Olivier Martinez got into a fight over custody issues, and both men were hospitalized.

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