Charlie Sheen's 4 year-old Twins Out-of-Control

Denise Richards wants to give up temporary custody of Charlie Sheen's "violent" 4 year-old twins, Bob and Max, for their outbursts and aggression toward her daughters and torturing the family dogs.  Their mother, Brooke Meuller, has been in and out of rehab numerous times.  Charlie Sheen went on-camera today making an impassioned plea to the Judge begging to stop visitation of the boys with their mother because they come home even more out of control.  He added that the boys are at risk for being expelled from their school.Because this is a high-profile celebrity family the case brings to the forefront the issue that children pay the highest price in divorce.  These young children need to be evaluated and treated in child play therapy.  A well-trained child development psychologist needs to get to the bottom root cause of the kids' anger and acting-out.  Are they reacting to a poor model of parental yelling and chaos?  Are they confused because they are no longer living with their biological mother or father?  Or, is it simply a case of what I term "covert deprivation" which occurs in privileged, affluent families who have the financial means to provide the best of everything but deprive the children of basic emotional nurturing and boundaries.  Ahh…..boundaries.  Clearly, no one knows how to stop these 4 year-olds from hurting people and animals.  They are 4!  No adult in their lives seems to understand or know how to contain a preschooler's rage. This can be taught.  At age 4, children have just rounded out the toddler phase of development.  It is normal for toddlers to be physical and aggressive before they have mastered language skills and reasoning.  They also have not yet developed a ceiling cap to hold powerful feelings.  This is why toddlers need close supportively guiding supervision.  When they test the waters a loving parent should be there to direct the child to appropriate behavior.  The Sheen twins are in crisis.  Their home and school situations are tenuous.  I certainly hope the Judge will order child therapy for Bob and Max.  At age 4, these boys are still emotionally pliable.  Early intervention can only lead to a more positive outcome.

Dr. Fran's Top 10 Tips For Managing Your Temper

1. Deal with your anger in the moment.  The build-up and surprise factor is the scariest part for your child.
2. When angry, remove yourself, take a short cool-down time, then return and deal with the situation directly and in a calm manner.
3. Refrain from verbal putdowns, berating, or spewing hostilities to your child (or spouse).  Make this a solemn commitment.
4. As you recognize and accept anger as a natural, normal human emotion, accept it in your child.  Invite your child to tell you about it openly.
5. Talk about feelings with your child.  Embrace anger as just another acceptable feeling.
6. Set and hold boundaries matter of factly, rather than with a flurry of anger.
7. Work on extending your tolerance for delayed gratification.  Be patient.  Your child will comply only if you are supportive and on their team.
8. Teach your child to always tell you the truth.  Assure him that you will work on not getting so angry because you love him and do not want to scare him.
9. Know that you are a model for your children.  Your child will think, "If Daddy explodes, why shouldn't I?"

10. Be kind to yourself.  Know this is a process, not a quick fix.  Be sure to hold on to your motivation to raise happy, healthy, disciplined, loving children.

Excerpt from Dr. Fran Walfish interview in Forbes magazine 9/20/13

Why Paying for My Daughter’s College Is My Ultimate Life GoalThis desire to give your children as much as possible is something Dr. Fran Walfish, a child and family psychologist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child,” sees often. She explains that the parent-child dynamic has changed even in the past generation or two. “ I think parents are inclined to put their children first because they’re so desperate today to have their kids like them; they cannot bear to have their children angry at them,” she says of the helicopter-parent generation. “Some parents are just generally selfless, but we are living in the generation of entitlement. Grown young adults have an expectation that they deserve and should be given to, and think they have the ability to convince their parents to give in.”Dr. Walfish finds that kids whose parents can’t or won’t help them beyond a certain point take more responsibility for themselves. “I think that kids whose parents can’t afford to help them turn out O.K.,” she muses. “Those kids are forced to tap into their own resources—not just financial, but also emotional—to find ways of generating their own income. In the end it’s better for them.”

If you’re concerned about putting yourself first financially, Dr. Walfish points out that being a financial resource for your children is less critical than being an emotional resource. “Parents need to feel good about whatever they can give and not feel guilty about the limitations of what they cannot,” she says. “What they can always be generous with is their loving support and positive cheerleading. They can always be there to say, ‘Yes, you’re doing it on your own!’ That’s a great feeling for a kid—I think it means more than having the cash.”To pull back on your contributions, she recommends simply being honest with your children. “Tell them, ‘I truly wish I could give you this money, but I have to earmark it in case something comes up. I’d rather you learn to be independent and financially autonomous now while I’m well and can enjoy watching you grow than spring a surprise burden on you later.’” She says that the main message, however you choose to convey it, should always be that giving them less money isn’t a punishment—it’s an opportunity for your children to grow.

Sexting and Anthony Weiner

As an experienced psychotherapist, I now have seen enough evidence to confidently declare that Anthony Weiner has serious personality and character problems that are indelibly in him.  No amount of therapy can fix a person who refuses to take responsibility and be accountable for their actions.  There are many different ways to say "I'm sorry" but the only way that counts is that in which the person really means it.  That said, people want to understand why Mr. Weiner's wife stays with him.  There are a few ways to begin to bring meaning to her decision.  Some women need the "family" to stay together.  Family carries a strong value and weight perhaps because there was divorce, chaos, and turbulence in their families of origin.  They can't bear to lose the other parent, the foundation of the family.  Other women may be in denial wishing and hoping that "this time" my man will get it together and walk the straight and narrow.  Whatever the personal reasons are for Huma Abedin, it is important for us to remain open-minded and non-judgmental.  No one really knows what goes on in their personal lives except for those two people living in their home.A person who can't get enough of sexting has a complicated personality.  First, he is a Narcissist in that his pleasure comes first;  he lacks the component in his personality that can imagine the impact of his own behavior on others;  and his grandiose belief that he can and will get away with the secrecy.  Sexting counts as cheating because the wife feels betrayed and violated.  If you discover your partner is sexting other women online confront him.  If he lies, denies, or blames you for invading his privacy you can be sure there is more trouble ahead.  If he owns up to his misgivings and shows genuine remorse, regret, and begs to get help then you've got a shot for a future.  Women, try to be painfully honest with yourselves whether this is a one-time failing or if this is a pattern.  I am currently treating a couple in which the man is a serial sexting/cheater.  His lady is hurt and angry each time she catches him.  But, she continues to go back and give him another chance.  It has become vicious cycle.  This  cycle will be very difficult to break since both partners are rigidly invested in keeping things status quo.

On Sibling Bullying and a Cheating Husband, Father

Q. Dear Dr. Fran, my wife and I have five children–ages 5 to 13 years-old. Our oldest boy is extremely aggressive and seems to be taking his anger out on his 5-year-old brother. My wife thinks it’s no big deal just normal brotherly roughhousing. I am concerned. The 5-year-old is small and cannot defend himself. I work full time and my wife is a part-time teacher.  Do you think I am over-reacting or do we have a real problem with our oldest and youngest boys?  Simon U.A. Dear Simon: a new study out this week in the Journal Of Pediatrics addresses the findings from a national survey of children and their caregivers. It found that, just like bullying by peers, bullying by siblings causes significant mental distress and worsens the victims’ emotional health.Bottom line: The authors concluded that parents, pediatricians and the public should treat sibling aggression as potentially harmful, and not dismiss it as normal, minor, or even beneficial, and this message should be included in parenting education.Simon, you need to take your gut intuition seriously. There is a power differential between a 5-year-old and a 13- year-old. If you allow the little one to get pummeled he is likely to either become depressed or go to school and find a smaller child to displace his anger on.Talk to your wife and get a consultation from a qualified family therapist. Below are some of the warning signs of sibling bullying and steps parents can take to deal with it.• Child has expressed fear of being alone with sibling.•  Parent has seen bruises and marks on the child (victim).• Powerful jealousy and hostilities have been repeatedly verbalized by the aggressor.• Aggressor has a fascination with fire or hurting animals.  This is a precursor to developing a more serious personality disorder called sociopath.Steps Parents Can Take To Address It:1) Have an open family discussion about equal love for each of your children and establish zero-tolerance for hurting each other with our hands or our words.2) Define acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your family.3) Set clear firm rules and consequences for unacceptable behavior.4) Establish special time with each child individually to build upon trust and bonding.  This also helps diminish sibling jealousy and rivalry. Q. Dear Dr. Fran, I think my husband of eight years is cheating on me. We have three children who are 8 and 4 years, and a six-month old baby.  I feel like I’m losing my mind. I am not worried about money. I am scared to be a single mom and am angry, hurt, sad and feel deeply betrayed. I don’t know what to do or where to start. Please help me!                 Janet L.A. Dear Janet: this is a really rough one. You need to confront your husband and let him know you are onto his shenanigans. His reaction and response will be your first indicator of how this scenario will play out.What you want is for him to admit his mistake, feel/show genuine remorse, give you his word he will stop cheating for good immediately, and do his best to make it up to you.If, on the other hand, you bump into his defensive denial and resistance to be accountable, then you have an even greater problem because he is likely to repeat the offense.This is too big for you to deal with on your own. You need the support and guidance of a caring, skilled therapist as you move through this terribly painful experience.If your husband refuses to attend therapy and take responsibility for his actions then I strongly recommend you get a consultation from an experienced family law attorney to understand your financial and custodial rights in the event of dissolution of your marriage.

Got Wedding Envy? When To Talk With Your Partner About Marriage

It's that time of year.

 The photo albums from the bridal showers. The lovey-dovey status updates. Wedding season has taken over your Facebook page.And while your friends may be entering a new blissful stage in life, things have remained the same between you and your beau. Does this mean you should be hurrying to walk down the aisle or is your relationship headed to Splitsville, population you?READ: Is Your Relationship an Online Overshare?As it turns out, you may be experiencing a very common dilemma thanks to social media.“’Wedding envy’ is definitely a phenomenon that exists,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent.” “You may occasionally hear of a cluster of friends getting engaged around the same time, and even scheduling wedding dates in close proximity. This is because many young women can’t bear the feeling of being ‘left out.’”Experiencing jealousy after witnesses your friends’ blossoming love lives on Facebook isn’t a new concept. In a recent study conducted by two German universities, it was reported that one in three people felt more dissatisfied with their lives after browsing the world’s largest social networking site. Relationship success was recognized as the third most envy-causing incident. And with the warmer summer months comes wedding season, which means many women in relationships are likely to fall prey to such a phenomenon.However, experts advise thinking twice before discussing this social media-induced marriage itch with your significant other.“Wanting to get married is basic, but it doesn’t mean you are with the right person or that you are both ready,” says Nina Atwood, dating coach and author of "Temptations of the Single Girl." “You are ready for marriage when you have spent enough time together to know exactly who you are getting, warts and all. The other thing is what makes you compatible or not, such as religion, children and finances. When you have acceptance, plus you are aligned on your core values, you are ready to marry.”READ: 'Will You Marry Me?' There's an App for ThatAccording to psychologist Karen Sherman, seething in resentment is not only unhealthy, it can quickly strain an otherwise stress-free relationship.“I think it’s dangerous to be tempted to get married because you get the itch based on social media,” says Sherman. “Based on social comparison theory, we look to others to see how we’re doing. Social media certainly makes it easier to do this. But the decision to marry is a serious commitment and one that should not be entered just because everyone else has done so. For all you know, others who are announcing their plans have been influenced by other social media postings!”Dr. Walfish adds that focusing on your relationship reality is far more important than what trying to keep up with your friends.“Don’t talk with your man until you are crystal clear on your goals and expectations,” she says. “Then share them with your partner. Listen to his. It’s also very important to examine how as a couple you resolve conflicts. You don’t always have to agree, but you must be able to bear differences with mutual respect.”READ: How Facebook Hurts Your RelationshipAnother way to deal with wedding envy? Chill out.“Be careful you don’t let it impact your relationship with your guy,” says Atwood. “He will probably not understand it and will only feel pressured. The very best proposal is when he initiates it instead of you pressuring him to do it sooner than he is ready. I say talk it out with your friends first, let it go and relax.”Read more: http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/got-wedding-envy-when-talk-your-partner-about-marriage#ixzz2VJT8n9xI

Challenges Parents Face

Here are my top eight most difficult milestones every parent must face. Each one is critical. You will likely transition through each one by holding your spouse/partner's hand and using trial and error.If you bump up against a wall in one of these areas please reach out to a child development specialist or psychologist for guidance. Fasten your seat belts and away you go.The Eight Most Challenging Things Parents Face:1) Teaching their infant to self-soothe and sleep through the night.2) Responding to their toddler’s declaration of separation and autonomy with compassion and empathy. This declaration includes the toddler saying “no;” temper tantrums; and defiant behaviors.3) Equipping their child with coping skills to deal with disappointments.4) Tolerating being the target of their child’s anger and rage.5) Dealing with their child pitting Daddy against Mommy for things the child wants-demands.6) Being on the same page as their spouse regarding discipline and follow-through with consequences.7) Letting go of their teenage children by rewarding responsible behavior with more independence and freedom.8) Not intruding on their adult child’s life. Respecting separation and boundaries.

Five Reasons Why Cuddling Is Good For Couples

Q. Dear Dr. Fran, my husband stiffens and freezes every time I initiate hugging. The only time he is willing to snuggle is if it is foreplay that leads to sexual intercourse. I can’t help but feel rejected. What should I do to fix this?  Marilyn H. A. Dear Marilyn, I can understand you feeling rejected. Your husband has difficulty with intimacy. This is not a sexual problem. It is one of closeness and attachment that probably stems from the kind of attachment he had to his mother and father.Each one of us has a comfort zone regarding closeness to other people.  That includes a spouse and even children.Have a dialogue with your husband. Sometimes, bringing the issue out into the open can clear a pathway toward warmer closeness and intimacy.Here are five reasons why cuddling is good for couples. If after talking with your husband things don’t improve, reach out to a qualified couples therapist to determine if individual or couples therapy is indicated.• Reason 1: It Feels GoodCuddling releases oxytocin, which is also known as the feel-good hormone. It increases overall happy feeling.Cuddling can also release endorphins, which is the chemical released after a good workout or when you eat chocolate which contributes to that great feeling.• Reason 2: It Makes You Feel SexyThe most obvious benefit to cuddling is getting close to your partner in the physical sense. There is also the release of dopamine, which is an excitatory hormone that increases sexual desire.• Reason 3: It Reduces Stress and Blood PressureHugging, kissing, or more physical acts of touch increases oxytocin levels, which is a “bonding”’ hormone—this chemical reaction can help reduce blood pressure, which in turn reduces the risk of heart disease, but it can also help to reduce stress and anxiety.• Reason 4: It Bonds Women with Babies and PartnersCuddling is healthy for people because of the obvious factor of emotional attachment.Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that is closely linked to childbirth and breastfeeding, and a recent study shows it has a biological role in bonding between mother and baby.The study, led by Lane Strathearn, an assistant professor of pediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine, shows that women raised with insecure attachment themselves are more likely to have difficulty forming secure attachments with their children (and partners).”It’s healthy to want to be close. Too little or too much is not good. Observe and explore your own personal comfort zone. You will be a better communicator with your partner on how much feels good and when it gets too close for comfort.  Your goal is to find a balance between your comfort zone and needs along with your partner’s.• Reason 5: It Helps You Communicate BetterMost people want to feel understood, and communication is the vehicle by which they transmit understanding and empathy. Non-verbal communication can be a powerful way to say to your partner, “I get you.” Cuddling is a way of saying, “I know how you feel.” It allows us to feel known by our partner in ways that words can’t convey.The Beverly Hills Courier, May 10, 2013 

"Top 7 Things Never To Say To A Grandmother"

• “You do so much for them, they must want to be with you all the time.”This is hurtful because no child wants to be with their grandparents all the time.• “If you really want a relationship with your grandchildren go to their Facebook page.”This comment can render a grandparent helpless since many do not know how to use Facebook.• “How can you let him talk disrespectfully to you…you’re his grandmother.”Behavioral management of children lies primarily in the hands of parents, not grandparents. Every child is on a learning curve. Some kids are still learning to inhibit disrespectful impulses. It’s not grandma’s fault.• “Your grandkids are so wild, don’t their parents teach them how to behave?”This type of comment is a direct criticism about your children’s parenting skills. It’s an insult to grandma, too.• “You’re go good to your grandchildren. Enjoy them while you can because you know how teenagers only want to be with their friends.”This is a particularly hurtful statement because it triggers unnecessary separation anxiety in grandma. Enjoy today…why worry about tomorrow.• “Do you go to all their basketball games?…they may not always want a big cheering section.”Many grandparents reap pleasure from watching their grandchildren compete in sports. It’s mean to imply the kids may not always want grandma there.  It’s also none of their bee’s wax.• “Mother’s Day is coming…they better honor you as you deserve.”This may be insensitive because it implies you give to your kids and grandkids with an expectation of something in return.Also, many young families mark Mother’s Day by making mommy feel special and honored. Grandmothers often take a backseat to mothers. If they don’t make a big deal over grandma this comment may rub it in.Happy early Mother’s Day, moms and grandmas!

Ask A Private School Admissions Expert: Dr. Fran Walfish

What is the typical timeline for private school admissions? For example, outline a sample timetable of applications, interviews, decisions, etc.  

Dr. Fran: There are 1,533 private schools in the Los Angeles County. In California, applications for private schools are in October and November. Acceptance/rejection/wait-list letters go out the second week of March. Interviews are held at various times in between. Parents experience a great deal of anxiety going through the process. In turn, they put their children through high levels of stress preparing, studying, taking classes and sample exams, getting ready for the Day of Judgment.What is the typical process admissions officers go through to evaluate applications?   Dr. Fran: There is no typical process. Each admissions officer has their own way of evaluating applications. This is partly why parents’ anxiety goes through the roof. They ultimately have little to no control over how the process and outcome will go. Most schools look at whether there are one or two working parents, ethnicity (to include diversity), income, how many kids are in the family, references from previous preschool teachers/directors, and the child's medical and psychological (if applicable) history.What are the most important things children need to have represented on their applications?  Dr. Fran: Flexibility is the most important thing a child should represent, both on their applications and in the personal interview. Flexibility includes how easily the child separates from parents, how well the child manages transitions/change, and how the child wrestles with conflict. Naturally, schools are looking at basic intelligence. Some schools place IQ higher on the priority list than others. Basically, schools want happy, healthy, energetic, motivated, well-behaved, wholesome children.What are common mistakes parents and/or their children make when applying to these programs? Dr. Fran: One of the common mistakes parents make is neglecting to evaluate the parent population in the school. You are not only evaluating the children as potential friends but moms and dads are also signing up for the next six years. Be sure there are other parents at the school you can relate and connect with. Too many times, children go to a school in which their parents feel on the outs with other families. Evaluate your happiness – as well as your child's. How should parents go about determining the culture of a private school, and whether it would be a good fit for their children?   Dr. Fran: Parents should observe the school at a number of different times during various activities. Parents should also inquire with other parents whose children currently attend the school. Ask, ask, ask! How important are standardized test scores when admissions decisions are being made?  Dr. Fran: Standardized test scores vary in importance from school to school. Scores must be reasonably high, but many schools understand and factor in test-anxiety. Some good schools evaluate the total child, meaning they look at test scores along with community service, sports endowment, and athleticism, math and writing skills.What tips do you have in regards to ISEE prep, SSAT prep, and preparation for other standardized assessments that private schools might require?Dr. Fran: Tip #1: Take the prep classes. Prep tutors are extremely helpful, too. Don't think just because your child is naturally smart he or she will ace the exams. These tests are very specific. It helps to be prepared for the type of questions and to practice speed. Encourage your child to eat well, exercise, and get plenty of rest during the preparation and actual testing process. Offer relaxation techniques including visualization and breathing exercises. These help your child relax and do his or her best. What are the most important things parents need to have well represented about themselves when meeting with admissions officers?  Dr. Fran: It is very important to represent that both parents are on the same parenting page and united. Admissions officers are well practiced at observing non-verbal cues that communicate whether parents are together or not. Also, moms and dads should listen respectfully without interruptions during the meeting. Everyone's nerves are high when there is only so much time to get your ideas across. Both parents should position themselves as searching for the best fit for their child. Finally, the parents should declare that "this" school is their first choice. If the school thinks you are shopping for a backup acceptance and are likely to take another offer, they would prefer to avoid dealing with you. It is too much trouble for the school to wait-list another family and then when you accept an offer elsewhere they must reach out to the waiting family as a second choice.How does networking and having in-school connections affect one's chances of admission?Dr. Fran: Networking and having in-school connections can have a positive effect if the in-school family is wealthy, powerful, and has given generous contributions to the school. It is very sad but real. Rich families carry more weight in private schools. Fact.How can a student best prepare for admissions interviews?  Dr. Fran: Parents should enlist the help of a kind, benign, adult who can role-play the interview process with your child. I have done this with many children and families in my private practice office. The reason it's best to not be the parent is because the results usually mean too much to parents. We do not want any child to feel they failed or disappointed their parents. Parents can, however, play the "What if's" game. This means to stimulate your child to think about unexpected situations. Ask questions like, "What will you do/say if you have to use the bathroom during the interview?"; "What will you do/say if you don't know the answer to a question?"; and so on. See what your child comes up with. Offer that there's nothing wrong with saying, "I don't know." Administrators respect a person who can admit not knowing.

Parenting Things I Wish I Knew Sooner

1.  How do you deal with separation anxiety?Dr. Fran: Separation anxiety comes from two root causes.  One, either the parent (usually Mom) is over attached and does not nurture the separation process. Or two, mom or dad is “there” but isn’t accessible (detached or distracted) to the child so he or she feels emptiness. Mom needs to know she is okay without her baby and the child needs to know he or she is okay without mom.2.  How do you learn to pick your battles when it comes to food?Dr. Fran: Never fight with your kids about what goes into their bodies or what comes out. I cannot tell you how many parents get stuck in two developmentally crucial areas – eating and pooping. (That’s why) girls get stuck with eating disorders and the boys get stuck in the pooping disorders. They are both anxiety based but quickly become control issues where the kid feels over controlled by the parent and, in the end, those are two body function control areas that the parent cannot win.3.  How do you manage your own fatigue?Dr. Fran: Be sure to nourish and fortify yourself with individual time. Take a walk, listen to music, sit with your feet up and read a magazine. Do whatever makes you feel good and nourishes you. Get enough sleep, eat well, and have a confidant to talk to who will listen empathically without judgment. You need a person to talk to also.4. How do you strike a balance between your child’s personality and your own expectations?Dr. Fran: Every child is an individual and unique and parents need to adjust their expectations to each child’s capacity. For instance, if you have a kid with learning disabilities and fine motor weakness, your expectation of him doing handwriting work may be different from one of the kids who may not have the same weakness. You’ve got to adjust. Don’t expect your kid to do the adjusting, it’s the parent who needs to do the adjusting first and then your child will come to you to meet you in the middle.5.  Being a parent is, perhaps, the most difficult job in the world. Why do we do this?Dr. Fran: In the unconscious mind there’s probably some thought about survival of the species. I really think, though, most people want to turn the clock around and “do it right this time.” They are trying to correct the wrongs that were done to them by their parents. Sadly, they either unconsciously repeat it without having walked that self-examination path or – the mistakes that were done to them they fix – but they make new ones that they regret. The answer to doing it right is a lot of work on one’s self. The better we know ourselves the better we can impart clearer messages to children.

How To Be A Good Parent

1.  What do you do if you find that you sometimes don’t like your child?FW: Find some areas where you can empathize and identify with your child. Every child wants to feel understood. Sometimes parents see things in their children that remind them of themselves. You have to recognize this and accept your children, flaws and all.2.  How do you make sure both parents are on the same page?FW: It’s common for moms and dads not to be on the same page. That old saying “opposites attract” applies to parenting too. Mom and dad might have different temperaments so you’ll need to find ways to have open and honest communication with your spouse. You need to talk about your shared values such as, “What do you value in people and in our families.” Talk about what you want to teach your kids. The likelihood is that you’ll have shared values like treating each other with kindness, and don’t hurt each other with our hands or our words. When you begin with shared values you can springboard to create mutually comfortable strategies for how to teach the children.3.  How do you teach your children boundaries?FW:  Each parent needs to balance two things at the same time.  First, love and nurture. Second, setting and holding boundaries. Most of the parents I know are good at the first one and fall down somewhere in the boundaries. Where they fall down on boundaries is the follow through on taking action. Sometimes what you need to do is to take action that will trigger a temper tantrum (like turning off the TV) then empathically say, “I know it’s hard to stop doing something that’s fun” and then put your arms around your child to show empathy and help them settle down from the tantrum that just erupted while maintaining the boundaries.4.  How do you teach your child to self-soothe?FW: Self-soothing begins at birth. What I suggest to moms, especially those who are breast feeding, is when you put the baby down to sleep, gently arouse the baby until they make eye contact and let the baby wrestle with the tossing and turning until they find that comfortable spot to go to sleep. The baby will find her thumb, a soft blanket or something that will help in the self-soothing process.5.  How do you determine what’s appropriate autonomy and when?FW: It’s healthy for parents to develop their children’s autonomy and independence. Parents should reward every increment in your child’s autonomy and self-reliance with increments of more freedom and independence. Your child may, for example, want to go to the mall with his or her friends. Your child must demonstrate that they have the discipline to go to the mall responsibly by doing other things such as their homework, chores, always telling the parents the truth, and those behaviors get rewarded with allowing him or her the chance to go to the mall.AsianParent.com Malaysia edition.

Alec Baldwin to Be Old Dad, Perhaps a Better Parent

Alec Baldwin to Be Old Dad, Perhaps a Better Parent

Hilaria Thomas, Alec Baldwin, and Ireland Baldwin attend the Group For The East End's 40th Anniversary Benefit And Auction at Wolffer Estate Vineyard, June 23, 2012, Sagaponack, N.Y. (Sonia Moskowitz/Getty Images)

By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES, ABCNews.com

Feb. 14, 2013

At 60, Arthur Schwartz sees many of his college friends talking about retirement and grandchildren, but he is energetically immersed in the busy lives of his two young daughters, aged 9 and 7."I hang out at school with parents in their 30s," he said. "It changes your perspective on life.This is round two for Schwartz, a New York City lawyer who has adult children from a first marriage and two more with a much younger wife.However, becoming a father in his 50s, he now enjoys the patience and perspective of maturity.See Photos of the Oldest Celebrity Dads"It was different, for sure," Schwartz said about raising his first family, a 25-year-old son and a 22-year-old daughter, when he was in his 30s."I didn't spend enough time with the older ones," he said. "I worked until 8 or 9 at night. ... I worked one day a weekend and sometimes two."It's also take two for comic actor Alec Baldwin. Just this week, at 54, the same age as Schwartz when he started a family anew, Baldwin announced to the TV show "Extra" that his 28-year-old wife, Hilaria Baldwin, is expecting their first child.Schwartz said his reaction to Baldwin's news was, "Good for him, but he better slow down and make time for [the baby] -- and don't run for [New York City] mayor."Baldwin has a 17-year-old daughter, Ireland, with his first wife, Kim Basinger.

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Alec Baldwin Attacks PhotographerWatch Video

Alec Baldwin Wedding: A-Listers Celebrate Marriage Watch Video

He once had a strained relationship with his daughter. In a 2007 voicemail, he famously called Ireland "a rude, thoughtless, little pig.""Alec Baldwin is getting second chance in life to do it right this time," said Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of "The Self-Aware Parent."Other celebrities, like 68-year-old Michael Douglas, have publicly said they made better fathers later in life. His 34-year-old son, Cameron, from a first marriage, has struggled with drug abuse. But today, Douglas reportedly enjoys a close relationship with his children with Catherine Zeta-Jones -- Dylan, 12, and Carys, 9.Men with younger children say it keeps them "feeling young, alive, and mortal," said Walfish. "It is a distorted belief that, unconsciously, is an antidote to fear of dying. Having a younger woman and kids keeps the lid on their anxiety about their demise."But on the positive side, older men in second marriages often make better parents.http://abcnews.go.com/Health/alec-baldwin-wife-pregnant-fatherhood-time/story?id=18494143

Dr. Fran's Top 10 Tips For Giving Your Child More Independence

1.  Balance nurturing, setting limits, and holding boundaries.  Kids can only become independent if they have been given structure and internal guidelines as foundation.2.  Encourage healthy expression of anger.  You will help your child develop excellent communication tools that include conflict resolution skills.  Your child needs to know he is acknowledged, validated, and accepted flaws and all!3.  Nurture and praise your child's incremental steps toward separation.  To be a good parent you must prepare and equip your child to deal with life and then let them fly on their own.4.  Encourage your child's unique and individual ideas, thoughts, and opinions.5.  Built self-esteem by using words that support and motivate with empathic attunement, rather than criticize.6.  Equip your child with coping skills to deal with disappointments.  We cannot protect or prevent life's disappointments.  The best we can do is equip our children with coping skills to deal with inevitable letdowns.7.  Reward your child's demonstration of good judgment and good behavior with incremental amounts of increased independence and freedom.8.  Do not allow yourself to be pressured by your child.  What her friends are allowed or what her brother was allowed has nothing to do with her individual level of readiness for independence.9.  Have individual one-on-one special time with each child.  Begin when they are young and continue to implement this quality uninterrupted time with your son or daughter.  This is your opportunity to build upon the first year of attachment.  True independence can only come out of a healthy secure bond.10.  Create a support system for yourselves, Moms and Dads.  It's hard to let go of your child.  The psychological goal of toddlerhood is for the youngster to claim himself as a separate being from Mommy and Daddy.  The psychological goal of adolescence parallels that of toddlerhood.  The teen's goal is to resolve the separation process.  This means your adolescent must emerge into adulthood with his own ideas and opinions about relationships, religion, morals, ethics, sex, character, and values.  There is life ahead for empty-nest parents.  Good luck, Moms and Dads!!

Could a Lack of Men Drive Women to Focus on Career?

Feeling "unattractive" can push women too, university researchers find

The idea that "having it all"—a husband, career, income, and kids—can mean ultimate happiness for a woman has been debated, denounced and defended by many but, according to a new study, it's a woman's impression of her own eligibility, as well as the availability of eligible men, that can influence her definition of what having it "all" means, too.Upon examining the ratio of single men to single women in every U.S. state, Dr. Kristina Durante, assistant professor of marketing at University of Texas, found that the less abundant bachelors were—or even appeared to be (for the purposes of the study, researchers led female college students participating in the study to believe such simply by having them read one or two news articles on the student population)—the more women were likely to delay life as a wife and mother, and pursue high-paying jobs.Additionally, Durante found that if women self-identified as "less desirable to men," they were more likely to embark on an ambitious career path.[Less Confidence Could Make You More Successful?]"Most women don’t realize it, but an important factor in a woman’s career choice is how easy or difficult it is to find a husband,” said Durante. “When a woman’s dating prospects look bleak, as is the case when there are few available men, she is much more likely to delay starting a family and instead seek a career.”For women's career commitment to be dependent on how worthy and attractive they feel (or, are to men) may sound disheartening, but Dr. Fran Walfish doesn't doubt that it's true."Libido, or sexual urge, drives the human-being," said Walfish. "It is the gasoline that drives us. If there is no hope felt on the part of the woman in pursuit of acquiring a man, then she must direct those urges toward something that will pay off. For many, it is their work and careers."

Feeling "unattractive" can push women too, university researchers find

 Megan Charles of theInquistr, however, is much more reluctant to accept Durante's findings as fact."Women are typecast as the damsel[s] who only want to work just long enough to find someone else to take care of us," wrote Charles. "It’s offensive to assume we, as women, are just biding our time, playing college student and hard-working career chick, while waiting for Prince Charming to swoop in and end our needless pursuit of an education and income."Charles would likely find comfort in knowing that last October, a poll conducted by Citi and LinkedIn revealed that more than a third of women (36 percent) didn’t factor marriage into their definition of “having it all” and nearly a third – 27 percent –didn’t include children in that definition at all. Still, being "in a loving relationship" was one of the top two factors, alongside "having enough money to do and buy what they want."[Could You Avoid Your Mirrors for a Month?]Additionally, data released by Gallup last September showed women have become increasingly interested in working outside the home; 51 percent of the more than 1,000 respondents preferred that option (“if they were free to do either”) over “staying at home and taking care of the house and family.”Still, Walfish maintains that women who feel they exhibit less-than-average looks (and subsequently feel less-than-worthy of love), succumb to stronger career aspirations by default."Often, this harder pursuit toward work is unconscious, or without thought," said Walfish. "It's automatic. Most people will go towards the thing that rewards. If the reward cannot be found in a man, the woman will turn her energies toward something that feeds, nourishes, and more immediately rewards -- her work."

Family Gatherings Can Be Challenging

 Courier, The (Findlay, OH) - Monday, December 24, 2012

Author: LOU WILIN ; STAFF WRITER

With blessings at Christmas family gatherings will come challenges for many: the abrasive conversationalist, unwanted advice, old arguments, pressure to pick a side in a drama."Most families have some dysfunction. Nobody had perfect parents ... It helps to know you're not the only one. That's first," said Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills, Calif., family psychotherapist and author of "The Self-Aware Parent."But some families have deeper problems than others. When alcoholism or other addiction, divorce, suicide, abuse or other trauma or tragedy happens, everyone in the family gets hurt. And the hurt can reverberate for generations. Sacred family gatherings can get soiled as old hurts replay, often unconsciously."So often in these families ... there is so much disappointment because people get their hopes up high in fantasies that this time our family will get together and be a happy, loving, healthy family," Walfish said. "And we all come with our baggage and the tapestry of the history of our childhoods, and unfinished business."How to avoid getting entangled in snits and feuds, yet still be open to sharing Christmas love and joy? Walfish and other psychotherapists, counselors and conflict specialists suggest you develop a plan, with ready-made responses to nettlesome situations. It helps you refrain from taking bait that leads to trouble."¢ First, drive yourself to the gathering. Don't count on someone else to drive you home.Set reasonable arrival and departure times. Consider limiting your visit to two hours, if need be. A time limit helps you be more thoughtful and inhibits reflexive, reactive responses, Walfish said.Have a ready-made reason to leave, whether it is stating you have to work the next day or you have someone else to visit."Escape plans are really smart. Just have a Plan B and an escape plan, so that you have something you can say," said Rebecca Daniel-Burke, director of professional projects and career services for the American Counseling Association. "It might be viewed as an excuse, but that's OK. It gets you out.""¢ If someone raises a topic you are not comfortable discussing - be it personal, politics or gossip - just say so, Walfish said."What you say is, 'I'm not comfortable talking about that,'" she said.Walfish's other suggested replies: "I'm not comfortable walking that road or proceeding in that conversation."Keeping peaceful, boundary-setting phrases in your back pocket helps, Walfish said.It can be as simple as saying "I don't know" when asked what you think about a sensitive issue or what your position is on a controversy."It's not unusual for people to provoke old stuff at family gatherings. So it's OK to say, 'I don't know' for the sake of peace," Walfish said. "That's my feeling. You can say, 'Gee, I don't know. I'm going to give that some thought.' You don't have to answer it right away. You're not on the witness stand."Another response if put on the spot about a divisive topic: "You know, there are 10 people sitting here at our dinner table, and I'll bet there are 10 different tweaked points of view, and I think in our family we have to agree to respect differences, or we just have to agree to disagree," Walfish suggested.Whatever you say, it's important to keep your tone of voice good-natured and kind, she said."¢ Resist giving opinions or taking sides when asked about the latest family drama.Laurie Puhn, lawyer and author of "Fight Less, Love More," suggests saying something like: "It's a tough situation, but it's something you have to work out together. I don't have a place in that discussion."Don't be surprised if the other person persists, she said. Be ready to repeat yourself. If the person tries to back you into a corner by implying your silence signals agreement with something, Puhn suggests the answer: "I'm not agreeing. I just don't have a place in that discussion.""¢ Unwanted advice about your career, kids or weight can be peacefully deflected, Puhn said.Her suggested response: "Thanks for your opinion. I will think about it."This shows appreciation, and benefits you in another way."The person giving you their opinion doesn't feel the need to keep repeating themselves," Puhn said.Be confident, she said, and remember this visit too shall pass."You don't have to convince anyone else of your right to have the life that you want. When you walk out that door, your life is what you want it. You're only in that space a few hours," she said. "So the pressure you feel to defend yourself should be alleviated knowing how great your life is out the door.""¢ If we have felt disappointed about past Christmas gatherings, we may need to change our expectations."There's a collision that happens during the holidays and the collision is between fantasy and reality," Daniel-Burke said. "We have so many things that are feeding our fantasies around the holidays. When you turn on the TV, and you listen to Christmas carols, you get into kind of a reverie and you want to think of things as ideal."You can still hope for a wonderful time. But you also can avoid a letdown by accepting that you may not have a wonderful time, Daniel-Burke said."¢ Be what Walfish calls a "curious conversationalist." Instead of talking about yourself, ask family members about the things they are involved in."¢ If things get tense, cool down in another room, Walfish said. Excuse yourself for a bathroom break or take a walk."The key is to remove yourself ... All of us have automatic, knee-jerk reactions when we're immersed in our family dynamics," Walfish said. "And it's very easy to be blind to them, and when you're blind, you're in it and you're caught. So remove yourself and get unstuck before you're in the thick of it."Or in a tense situation, you can simply state you are feeling you are on overload and want to chill out and enjoy the turkey."And then you can get up and go to the kitchen and help clean up or serve," Walfish said. "Take an action that takes you away from the fighting. It's always helpful to take an action step and walk in the opposite direction of the line of fire.""¢ "Find some of the good moments in between the bad ones. Remember why you are there," Puhn said. "You're there for the good moments."Don't become so obsessed with setting boundaries that you miss being a witness or participant in a sweet moment. Accept that things will happen that you may not like. You are not at the gathering to change a relationship or establish your identity, Puhn said."The event is not about you. It's not about making you happy," Puhn said. "Keep your eye on the prize ... the five minutes you're in the kitchen preparing turkey with your mother and she shares a recipe that's special or you see a grandparent with a grandchild."

Financial Impact on Marriages

How do you keep your marriage together when you have financial problems?

Marriages require a solid foundation based on trust and open healthy communication.  Flexibility is required, as well.  I treat many couples in which the husband lost his job and can't find work so the couple decide to change their roles.  He stays home with the kids while his wife goes to work to bring home a paycheck. Should you practice gratitude?It helps to practice gratitude and generosity.  The more grateful and giving we are the more positive our attitudes and the more good things come back to us tenfold. How do you set aside your worries and still make time for romance?It's easier said than done to set aside our worries when there are real stressors including money in our lives.  People are anxious, worried, and tense.  It's hard to feel romantic and sexual when you are under strain.  Take turns giving and receiving a relaxing message with your partner.  Turn on Marvin Gaye, or Sade music, lower the lights, and pour a glass of wine.  Find ways to relax together, talk together, and these will lead you toward a warm, closer connection. Should you turn to others for support and not just your partner?Absolutely, you should turn to others for support.  A trusted friend, counselor, family member, priest or rabbi are often available to talk with.  There are certain areas that your partner may feel too vulnerable to talk about.  Get support.  You may need guidance or advice from a clean-slate who is outside the line of stress.  Do everything you can to nourish and nurture yourself so that you have more to give to your partner, children and family. Any other thoughts?My Top Tips are:*  Be kind to your partner.  How we treat our significant other sets the model for how they will treat us.*  Create an open discussion.  Talking is the glue that holds relationships together.*  Balance love/nurture with setting/holding boundaries.*  Build self-esteem by using words that support and motivate, rather than criticize.*  Equip yourself with coping skills to deal with disappointment.  We cannot protect or prevent life's disappointments. The best we can do is equip ourselves to deal with inevitable life letdowns.*  Never engage in negotiations, bargaining, or deal-making, especially when resolving conflicts.  Rather, talk about what you feel and want in the moment.  This is empathy.  I define “empathy" as the computer chip within our personality (character) that allows us to imagine the impact of our own behavior on others.  So, this not only includes knowing how the other person feels, but also imagining and anticipating their reactions to your own behavior.  People who lack this quality have a Narcissistic trait.  When this dynamic is expansive in the person's overall relating to others the person may have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When two partners in a marriage negotiate, bargain, and make deals it's usually with their "own" thoughts and needs front and center.  When they talk about their own needs and wants it is more honest and straightforward.  When your partner expresses his needs and wants it helps if you reflect out loud what you hear him saying.  He should do the same for you.  This creates a feeling of mutual validation.  Sometimes, a solution is not found immediately.  It's okay to agree to disagree by accepting that we each have our own separate and different opinion.

Top Tips For Managing Your Temper

*  Deal with your anger in the moment.  The build-up and surprise factor is the scariest part for your child.

*  When angry, remove yourself, take a short cool-down time, then return and deal with the situation directly and in a calm manner.*  Refrain from verbal putdowns, berating, or spewing hostilities to your child (or spouse).  Make this a solemn commitment.*  As you recognize and accept anger as a natural, normal human emotion, accept it in your child.  Invite your child to tell you about it openly.*  Talk about feelings with your child.  Embrace anger as just another acceptable feeling.*  Set and hold boundaries matter of factly, rather than with a flurry of anger.*  Work on extending your tolerance for delayed gratification.  Be patient.  Your child will comply only if you are supportive and on their team.*  Teach your child to always tell you the truth.  Assure him that you will work on not getting so angry because you love him and do not want to scare him.*  Know that you are a model for your children.  Your child will think, "If Daddy explodes, why shouldn't I?"*  Be kind to yourself.  Know this is a process, not a quick fix.  Be sure to hold on to your motivation to raise happy, healthy, disciplined, loving children.