How To Deal With Bullying In The Workplace
Most people think bullying happens only in the playground. But it can happen in the workplace. An office bully can be a boss or co-worker–anyone who singles out another person for unreasonable, embarrassing, or intimidating treatment.According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, up to a third of workers may be the victims of workplace bullying.The increase in workplace bullying has even caught the attention of some politicians and there has been a 10-year-long move to pass the “Healthy Workplace Bill” across the country. The bill proposes to make changes to the current discrimination and harassment laws to address bullying concerns. Five states have seven versions of the Healthy Workplace Bill active in 2013. And since April 2009, 16 U.S. states proposed similar legislation.If you find yourself a victim of workplace bullying, there are some first immediate steps you should take. “Document and isolate,” advises former Old School rapper turned sports agent and children’s author Glenn Toby, author of Lil G Faces the Brooklyn Bully. “This means contact a person in authority in or out of your organization to get assistance and consult them regarding the matter. Isolate means to identify each of the violations. Use eyewitnesses [and] recording devices (check local and regional laws). If there is a group of people offending you, breaking up the mob will help you in creating a strategy to identify who is lying or can help legal personnel or a law enforcement professional to better investigate and document the abuse.”Also try to change your approach to the person or persons bullying you. “My best advice to someone being bullied in the workplace is to practice using phrases like, ‘I’m not comfortable with that’; ‘I see it differently’; ‘That doesn’t work for me’; ’We disagree and have different styles of communicating,’” says Beverly Hills psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent. “You can set boundaries and regain control by using gentle language that drives your point home. It’s not necessary to make enemies at work. But, it is very important to define the lines that others may not cross. It is a quiet strength when someone can do this in a benign, clear, and matter of fact tone.”Read more at http://madamenoire.com/261096/not-just-in-the-schoolyard-how-to-deal-with-bullying-in-the-workplace/#MR2VPuM68jycQarU.99
Dr. Fran's Top 10 Tips For Giving Your Child More Independence
1. Balance nurturing, setting limits, and holding boundaries. Kids can only become independent if they have been given structure and internal guidelines as foundation.2. Encourage healthy expression of anger. You will help your child develop excellent communication tools that include conflict resolution skills. Your child needs to know he is acknowledged, validated, and accepted flaws and all!3. Nurture and praise your child's incremental steps toward separation. To be a good parent you must prepare and equip your child to deal with life and then let them fly on their own.4. Encourage your child's unique and individual ideas, thoughts, and opinions.5. Built self-esteem by using words that support and motivate with empathic attunement, rather than criticize.6. Equip your child with coping skills to deal with disappointments. We cannot protect or prevent life's disappointments. The best we can do is equip our children with coping skills to deal with inevitable letdowns.7. Reward your child's demonstration of good judgment and good behavior with incremental amounts of increased independence and freedom.8. Do not allow yourself to be pressured by your child. What her friends are allowed or what her brother was allowed has nothing to do with her individual level of readiness for independence.9. Have individual one-on-one special time with each child. Begin when they are young and continue to implement this quality uninterrupted time with your son or daughter. This is your opportunity to build upon the first year of attachment. True independence can only come out of a healthy secure bond.10. Create a support system for yourselves, Moms and Dads. It's hard to let go of your child. The psychological goal of toddlerhood is for the youngster to claim himself as a separate being from Mommy and Daddy. The psychological goal of adolescence parallels that of toddlerhood. The teen's goal is to resolve the separation process. This means your adolescent must emerge into adulthood with his own ideas and opinions about relationships, religion, morals, ethics, sex, character, and values. There is life ahead for empty-nest parents. Good luck, Moms and Dads!!
What Youth Can Take Away From the Fall of Lance Armstrong
Lance Armstrong recently admitted in exclusive and extensive interview with Oprah Winfrey that he repeatedly used banned illegal dopePersonally choosing Winfrey for his “big reveal,” Armstrong answered numerous questions and revealed truths that many have longed to know.For example, the once beloved cyclist told Winfrey that he had used banned illegal dope and other drugs throughout his career. In fact, doping had played a major role in all seven of his Tour de France triumphs.Yet Armstrong noted, that at the time of his big wins, he never felt guilt or shame in using the illegal dope.To many critics, during his interview, Armstrong lacked any remorse for his previous actions.However, it seemed that he did feel terrible about the impact that his actions have had on his family. For instance, Armstrong held back tears as he talked about having to tell his son that the rumors about his cheating were true. He told his son: “Don’t defend me anymore.”It is clear that the repercussion of Armstrong’s actions will greatly impact the rest of life. So what can society–especially youth and young adults–take away from Armstrong’s actions?Dr. Fran Walfish, who is Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent told RIZZARR that youth and young adults can learn a lot about how lying, cheating, and greed will eventually lead to one’s destruction.She believes that primary take away from Lance Armstrong’s actions of cheating and lying is to always tell the truth. By doing so, anyone will avoid trouble at all costs.“If you lie, you will forever be hiding and running from the truth,” Walfish told RIZZAR. “When you’re caught, it can end your career — whatever field you are in.”Walfish said that truth will always come out eventually. For Lance, “his truth” was greatly revealed during the interview.“What we see exposed is Lance’s self-proclaimed arrogance, defiance, and fierce ambition to “win” at any cost,” she said. “As an experienced psychologist, I see through Lance’s emotional thinking and it’s clear he has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The main defining trait is that he lacks the computer chip in his internal character organization to imagine the impact of his own behavior on others. He felt entitled with no remorse about the unfair leg up he stole over his competition.”Even during his confessions, Walfish noted Lance did not look like he felt guilt. In her opinion, he simply looked ashamed about getting caught: “A Narcissist will always shoot himself in the foot at the hands of his own greed. “She concluded her thoughts by saying that she hopes youth and young adults will realize that the truth will always eventually be revealed. The way to rise to the top –and to stay there– is to live by honesty.
Talk the Talk: Language That Helps Build Business Relationships
Sometimes the way to create great business relationships is by your word choices. The way we talk to people, especially potential clients, can adversely affect a relationship. But there are some key phrases to use to help you network and develop lasting career relationships.
“It is very important to select the right word when building business relationships. One of the reasons is because all relationships, including business ones, are built on trust. Trust takes time to develop and it is built upon your words as well as your behavior. Also, many people are concrete thinkers and literal in language. That means they take you word for word. If you use the wrong language and say, ´Oops, I meant…´ they may question your intent,” explains child, couple and family psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish.There are important phrases, reports Forbes magazine, to always use such as “Thank you,” "I Trust Your Judgment," "I Don’t Know," "Tell Me More," "What I Hear You Saying Is" among others. But just using the right language doesn't mean much if you don´t mean it. “Even more key is the tone and affect with which you deliver these phrases. You must adopt a genuine tone of empathy and compassion. This is absolutely the best way to develop, bond, and secure your business relationships. You can only do this sincerely if you mean it,” says Dr. Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent. “Take a hard, honest open look within. Ask yourself if you like this business associate. Try to be honest with yourself. How you truly feel will certainly be communicated in your tone and words. Be sure to be true and real.”But sometimes in an overly eager effort to connect, people can say the wrong thing or get too personal. When this happens, don´t wait—address the issues as soon as possible. “The first thing to do is acknowledge out loud that something is going on. Respectfully and kindly state that you sense you may have said something that didn't sit well with the other person,” advises Walfish. “Ask them if they can help you understand what you said or did that didn't feel good.” It is important to admit—even in the business world—when you are wrong. “People admire you when you can own up to your missteps and be accountable. Tell the person you are sorry you used the wrong words to communicate your thoughts, and you would like to repair it,” notes Dr. Walfish. “Invite the other person to tell you (even blast you) about their disappointment, hurt, or anger. When you encourage direct expression of powerful feelings those feelings decrease in intensity. This is the true road to repair and restoration.”
Instant Gratification
Do you ever have one of those episodes with your children where you wonder, “When is he going to stop doing this?” Your child does something weird, aggravating, or just won’t grow out of a phase? Wish you had someone there to give you the help and advice you’re seeking? Well, your in luck. Breezy Mama is very excited to introduce our Question of the Day piece. A simple (ha!) parenting question with the answer you need. Even more exciting is who will be doing the answering. . . Dr. Fran Walfish, who is an Expert in Parents Magazine’s “Ask Our Experts” column, has agreed to become our “Question of the Day” expert! So send us your questions (alex@breezymama.com) and Dr. Walfish will answer it in a future Breezy post. Now on to today’s question. . .When do children understand that they can’t have “instant gratification”? For example, while in the car, my 4 year old daughter asked to have a snack. I replied that I didn’t have any food with me, yet she kept asking, over and over again, working herself up into a tantrum. What advice can you give for this?Children need to be introduced to the concept of “delayed gratification” in the early toddler phase which kickstarts at 18 months. They must practice wrestling with the experience of “delayed gratification” dozens and dozens of times before they understand they can’t have “instant gratification”. We do not expect a child to demonstrate and master “delayed gratification” until they are at least 4 years-old. The way to teach a child to wait for what they want is through empathic narration. If a child wants the red ball her preschool friend is playing with she might grab it. The best way to respond is with empathic narration which is talking out loud about what she wants and feels. You might say (in a genuinely empathic tone of voice), ”You want the red ball and right now Sally is holding it. It’s hard to wait for your turn. You get mad when you can’t have the red ball.” Watch your child’s intensity decrease. She may not calm immediately but you will see her come down a notch. Then, you can offer alternatives. For instance, you can say “Let’s go find the blue ball to play with while you wait for Sally to finish her turn and give you the red ball.”
Your question poses a bit of added factors – hunger and fatigue. When your child is hungry and asking for a snack it’s extra hard to wait. Hunger can lower blood sugar and make tired, as well. She repeated her demand for “instant gratification” of food over and over which was her way of telling you she couldn’t take no for an answer. Each time she demanded food it reminded her of what she was not getting. Her anger and frustration is what escalated into the tantrum. Once you have an out-of-control 4 year-old you must first help her settle down. Pull the car over and turn off the ignition for safety. Join her in the backseat of the car and hold her physically and supportively to contain her. This helps her keep a lid on her rage. Tell her you understand she is mad at Mommy for not having food and snacks in the car. Encourage her to tell you about her strong feelings. Let her know that next time you will be sure to keep a stash of snacks in the car.
Fight The Power: How To Survive Power Struggles At Work
- Power struggles at work can be draining, stressful and counter-productive. But there are ways to handle these tough situations, say experts.“The most powerful thing you can do...let go of the rope! The other person reels backward and finds themselves holding the slack end of the rope with no idea what to do next. You don't win, but you don't lose either,” says Linda Galindo, author of The 85% Solution: How Personal Accountability Guarantees Success -- No Nonsense, No Excuses. “How do you let go of the metaphorical rope? Stop putting any energy into 'winning the power struggle' and get your 'Definition of Success' and 'Role Clarity' firmed up. Role clarity includes outlining the specific authority you have to do your job.”If you can, avoid getting involved in power struggles at work. And don't take sides. "Power struggles are rarely between two people, and so it’s common for others to be brought into it. It’s better to acknowledge someone’s feelings than their controversial position or side of a power struggle. Instead of agreeing with a manager or another co-worker, make a supportive observation like, 'This has to be frustrating. How long can this go on?´ or 'This must be so frustrating for you. How can anyone be so oblivious to how their actions are affecting other people?´ If ever confronted by the other person, you can honestly state that you observed that they seemed very frustrated and you hope they can work it out,” advises Debra Yergen author of Creating Job Security Resource Guide. “Of course you don’t want to be labeled as Switzerland… being compared to Switzerland is never a compliment and you may end up the target of both parties.”Beverly Hills psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent, agrees and adds, ”It is wise to maintain a neutral position that gives each one of the feuding partners a sense of validation from you. Taking sides risks you becoming the Bad Guy. In the end, people can turn against you. Suddenly, you could find yourself in the position of the other two siding against you. Remain friendly, kind, understanding, and give little that communicates your personal biases.”But if you must get involved or directly involved, then have a strategy. “If you need to personally get drawn into a power struggle, treat it like a chess game and think out the consequences a few possible moves ahead,” says Yergen. “Always think of the long-term consequences, and if it gets too bad, it may be time to freshen up your resume. Even if you don’t jump ship, having offers will absolutely increase your confidence.”If things get too heated, be careful with whom you draw into the fray. “If you find yourself caught in a power struggle at work, it's best to take a blink, breathe deeply, and step back to get some perspective,” explains Dr. Walfish. “Fighting or battling in the office is generally not a good idea. Do not threaten to consult lawyers or take matters into further dispute. Try to dissipate the intensity of emotions. Sometimes, it helps to talk to a trusted person outside of the office like your pastor, counselor, or a therapist. Getting good advice from a trusted, clean-slate point of view is a good idea.”Once the dust settles, you want to remain standing and still have a good enough relationship with the other person to be able to work together.
Could a Lack of Men Drive Women to Focus on Career?
Feeling "unattractive" can push women too, university researchers find
The idea that "having it all"—a husband, career, income, and kids—can mean ultimate happiness for a woman has been debated, denounced and defended by many but, according to a new study, it's a woman's impression of her own eligibility, as well as the availability of eligible men, that can influence her definition of what having it "all" means, too.Upon examining the ratio of single men to single women in every U.S. state, Dr. Kristina Durante, assistant professor of marketing at University of Texas, found that the less abundant bachelors were—or even appeared to be (for the purposes of the study, researchers led female college students participating in the study to believe such simply by having them read one or two news articles on the student population)—the more women were likely to delay life as a wife and mother, and pursue high-paying jobs.Additionally, Durante found that if women self-identified as "less desirable to men," they were more likely to embark on an ambitious career path.[Less Confidence Could Make You More Successful?]"Most women don’t realize it, but an important factor in a woman’s career choice is how easy or difficult it is to find a husband,” said Durante. “When a woman’s dating prospects look bleak, as is the case when there are few available men, she is much more likely to delay starting a family and instead seek a career.”For women's career commitment to be dependent on how worthy and attractive they feel (or, are to men) may sound disheartening, but Dr. Fran Walfish doesn't doubt that it's true."Libido, or sexual urge, drives the human-being," said Walfish. "It is the gasoline that drives us. If there is no hope felt on the part of the woman in pursuit of acquiring a man, then she must direct those urges toward something that will pay off. For many, it is their work and careers."
Feeling "unattractive" can push women too, university researchers find
Megan Charles of theInquistr, however, is much more reluctant to accept Durante's findings as fact."Women are typecast as the damsel[s] who only want to work just long enough to find someone else to take care of us," wrote Charles. "It’s offensive to assume we, as women, are just biding our time, playing college student and hard-working career chick, while waiting for Prince Charming to swoop in and end our needless pursuit of an education and income."Charles would likely find comfort in knowing that last October, a poll conducted by Citi and LinkedIn revealed that more than a third of women (36 percent) didn’t factor marriage into their definition of “having it all” and nearly a third – 27 percent –didn’t include children in that definition at all. Still, being "in a loving relationship" was one of the top two factors, alongside "having enough money to do and buy what they want."[Could You Avoid Your Mirrors for a Month?]Additionally, data released by Gallup last September showed women have become increasingly interested in working outside the home; 51 percent of the more than 1,000 respondents preferred that option (“if they were free to do either”) over “staying at home and taking care of the house and family.”Still, Walfish maintains that women who feel they exhibit less-than-average looks (and subsequently feel less-than-worthy of love), succumb to stronger career aspirations by default."Often, this harder pursuit toward work is unconscious, or without thought," said Walfish. "It's automatic. Most people will go towards the thing that rewards. If the reward cannot be found in a man, the woman will turn her energies toward something that feeds, nourishes, and more immediately rewards -- her work."
Family Gatherings Can Be Challenging
Courier, The (Findlay, OH) - Monday, December 24, 2012
Author: LOU WILIN ; STAFF WRITER
With blessings at Christmas family gatherings will come challenges for many: the abrasive conversationalist, unwanted advice, old arguments, pressure to pick a side in a drama."Most families have some dysfunction. Nobody had perfect parents ... It helps to know you're not the only one. That's first," said Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills, Calif., family psychotherapist and author of "The Self-Aware Parent."But some families have deeper problems than others. When alcoholism or other addiction, divorce, suicide, abuse or other trauma or tragedy happens, everyone in the family gets hurt. And the hurt can reverberate for generations. Sacred family gatherings can get soiled as old hurts replay, often unconsciously."So often in these families ... there is so much disappointment because people get their hopes up high in fantasies that this time our family will get together and be a happy, loving, healthy family," Walfish said. "And we all come with our baggage and the tapestry of the history of our childhoods, and unfinished business."How to avoid getting entangled in snits and feuds, yet still be open to sharing Christmas love and joy? Walfish and other psychotherapists, counselors and conflict specialists suggest you develop a plan, with ready-made responses to nettlesome situations. It helps you refrain from taking bait that leads to trouble."¢ First, drive yourself to the gathering. Don't count on someone else to drive you home.Set reasonable arrival and departure times. Consider limiting your visit to two hours, if need be. A time limit helps you be more thoughtful and inhibits reflexive, reactive responses, Walfish said.Have a ready-made reason to leave, whether it is stating you have to work the next day or you have someone else to visit."Escape plans are really smart. Just have a Plan B and an escape plan, so that you have something you can say," said Rebecca Daniel-Burke, director of professional projects and career services for the American Counseling Association. "It might be viewed as an excuse, but that's OK. It gets you out.""¢ If someone raises a topic you are not comfortable discussing - be it personal, politics or gossip - just say so, Walfish said."What you say is, 'I'm not comfortable talking about that,'" she said.Walfish's other suggested replies: "I'm not comfortable walking that road or proceeding in that conversation."Keeping peaceful, boundary-setting phrases in your back pocket helps, Walfish said.It can be as simple as saying "I don't know" when asked what you think about a sensitive issue or what your position is on a controversy."It's not unusual for people to provoke old stuff at family gatherings. So it's OK to say, 'I don't know' for the sake of peace," Walfish said. "That's my feeling. You can say, 'Gee, I don't know. I'm going to give that some thought.' You don't have to answer it right away. You're not on the witness stand."Another response if put on the spot about a divisive topic: "You know, there are 10 people sitting here at our dinner table, and I'll bet there are 10 different tweaked points of view, and I think in our family we have to agree to respect differences, or we just have to agree to disagree," Walfish suggested.Whatever you say, it's important to keep your tone of voice good-natured and kind, she said."¢ Resist giving opinions or taking sides when asked about the latest family drama.Laurie Puhn, lawyer and author of "Fight Less, Love More," suggests saying something like: "It's a tough situation, but it's something you have to work out together. I don't have a place in that discussion."Don't be surprised if the other person persists, she said. Be ready to repeat yourself. If the person tries to back you into a corner by implying your silence signals agreement with something, Puhn suggests the answer: "I'm not agreeing. I just don't have a place in that discussion.""¢ Unwanted advice about your career, kids or weight can be peacefully deflected, Puhn said.Her suggested response: "Thanks for your opinion. I will think about it."This shows appreciation, and benefits you in another way."The person giving you their opinion doesn't feel the need to keep repeating themselves," Puhn said.Be confident, she said, and remember this visit too shall pass."You don't have to convince anyone else of your right to have the life that you want. When you walk out that door, your life is what you want it. You're only in that space a few hours," she said. "So the pressure you feel to defend yourself should be alleviated knowing how great your life is out the door.""¢ If we have felt disappointed about past Christmas gatherings, we may need to change our expectations."There's a collision that happens during the holidays and the collision is between fantasy and reality," Daniel-Burke said. "We have so many things that are feeding our fantasies around the holidays. When you turn on the TV, and you listen to Christmas carols, you get into kind of a reverie and you want to think of things as ideal."You can still hope for a wonderful time. But you also can avoid a letdown by accepting that you may not have a wonderful time, Daniel-Burke said."¢ Be what Walfish calls a "curious conversationalist." Instead of talking about yourself, ask family members about the things they are involved in."¢ If things get tense, cool down in another room, Walfish said. Excuse yourself for a bathroom break or take a walk."The key is to remove yourself ... All of us have automatic, knee-jerk reactions when we're immersed in our family dynamics," Walfish said. "And it's very easy to be blind to them, and when you're blind, you're in it and you're caught. So remove yourself and get unstuck before you're in the thick of it."Or in a tense situation, you can simply state you are feeling you are on overload and want to chill out and enjoy the turkey."And then you can get up and go to the kitchen and help clean up or serve," Walfish said. "Take an action that takes you away from the fighting. It's always helpful to take an action step and walk in the opposite direction of the line of fire.""¢ "Find some of the good moments in between the bad ones. Remember why you are there," Puhn said. "You're there for the good moments."Don't become so obsessed with setting boundaries that you miss being a witness or participant in a sweet moment. Accept that things will happen that you may not like. You are not at the gathering to change a relationship or establish your identity, Puhn said."The event is not about you. It's not about making you happy," Puhn said. "Keep your eye on the prize ... the five minutes you're in the kitchen preparing turkey with your mother and she shares a recipe that's special or you see a grandparent with a grandchild."
It's the Holidays. How to Handle the Inevitable Toddler - TIME magazine
TIME PARENTING
It’s the Holidays. How to Handle the Inevitable Toddler Tantrums
By Francine RussoDec. 21, 2012Add a Comment
There they all were from far and near— my kids and their partners in every room of my New York apartment. They were standing, lounging, chatting, drinking, passing my 6-month old grandson from lap to lap. Piercing the din was the insistent whine of my 4-year-old granddaughter for…something.I adore my granddaughter. She has loving and attentive parents. But right now her Dad was animatedly defending the Rams while her mom was laughing at her sister’s teasing about their childhood cupcake stand. Meanwhile, as I carried a stack of plates, my granddaughter pulled at my sleeve, shrilly demanding another rainbow cookie. Couldn’t she play on her own for ten seconds? Should I speak to her parents about this?(MORE: What Your Toddler’s Teacher Will Never Say to Your Face)Then the flashback hit. I am transported over the decades to our weeklong visit to Nana and Papa in California. My girls are sleep-deprived and stretched to the limit. They’re bored with crayons and Legos, they’re not allowed to touch anything, and the adults are ignoring them. My 7-year-old starts running in manic circles around the glass cocktail table while her younger sister emits blood-curdling shrieks. They’re at their worst. And Nana is giving me the look, soon to be a lesson on teaching my monsters manners.Tensions and joy! ‘Tis the season. Surely there’s got to be a better way. So I asked a bevy of experts about handling all that pent-up anxiety that comes with mixing the holidays, family and clashing parenting philosophies, and they all agreed on one point: Keep the kids’ routines as normal as possible. Good luck with that! Excellent advice, no doubt, but hard to do when everything you depend on is changed.(MORE: Behold the Adorable Face of Terror: Toddler Removed From JetBlue Flight)That’s Tension # 1: the struggle between normality and nothing-like-normal. Then Tension #2: your own wish to enjoy the reunions versus the need to constantly supervise your children. And finally, especially with your own parents: Tension # 3: the imperative of being your child’s parent versus that old pull toward being your parents’ child and needing their approval.Can this holiday be happy? Sure, if imperfectly. But it requires a lot of forethought and preparation. So here are some tips for navigating upcoming gatherings and keeping the season bright.Prepare Your KidsYoung children need to know what will happen in an unfamiliar setting away from home. Before you leave, suggests Fran Walfish, a child and family psychologist in Beverly Hills and author of The Self-Aware Parent, make a picture book together. Draw the airplane, Grandma’s house, the people, and the gifts, right through to “bye-bye,” the return plane and home. “Visually narrate what will happen,” Walfish says, “all the changes, including sleeping in a different bed.”Definitely take the little one’s “blankie” or other attachment objects as well as favorite toys and familiar foods. For older children, explain what will happen and the rules for Grandma’s house. Make sure they bring things they like to do, such as video games, and, if possible plan some time on the trip, however brief, that’s just for them.Prepare the GrandparentsBefore you go, talk candidly with Grandma. Explain the challenges the kids will face, how they’re likely to react, and ask whether or how much the grandparents want to take charge of them. Also ask if there are breakable things they’d be willing to put away or if there are rules about certain areas. If you have strong preferences about how sweets or gifts are handled, gently express your feelings, but don’t be surprised (and remain flexible) if Nana and Papa can’t hold themselves back.Above All, Prepare YourselfStrike a balance in your mind between the fun you hope to have— the food, catching up, laughs, and memories—and the reality that your first priority has to be parenting your kids. That’s an order: “If your 4-year-old is having a tantrum because she’s overwhelmed and overtired, “says Walfish, “you need to stop everything and settle your child.” If you’d really like to talk to people, make a plan ahead of time with your partner—or a willing aunt or uncle—to take turns supervising the kids.And if Grandma does criticize you or your kids? Have your response ready. “Agree with them,” says Vicki Panaccione, a child psychologist and founder of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, FL, “Say, ‘You’re right, he is being really whiny today. I guess if I were four, I’d probably be that way too because there is so much going on that he’s not used to and he’s out of his routines.’”While you’re thereWhen over stimulation, exhaustion and changes in routine make your kids clingy, whiny, or otherwise impossible, suggests Panaccione, “Limit the overwhelm [sic] by coming to their rescue if they are inundated by people or gifts and explain to them why everyone wants to hold or kiss them.” Whatever their age, give them a breather and, if possible, some exercise. Read them a story in another room. Go for a walk, go to a store, change the scene. And cut your kids (and yourself) some slack. None of you are likely to be at your best.Most of all, try to relax and enjoy the good things rather than aiming for the impossible (news flash: your 3-year-old will not sit at the table long enough for you to savor a meal). “Focus on family togetherness,” says Walfish, “ Contrary to popular belief, what kids love most about Christmas and Hannukah is not the gifts. It’s the bonding and coming together of family.”Okay, so your family holidays won’t be like that Norman Rockwell picture. They never were. No one’s holiday was. But they’re your family—and your kids’ family. So laugh or cry or hug your child and live in this moment. And remember that it may be another year before it happens again—and never exactly like this.
When Your Child Pal Offends
THE PARENT'HOOD, THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
When your child's pal offends
Your daughter's pal throws around the word 'retard' a lot. Is it OK to speak up?
 Your child's pal uses an offensive word (Eric Herchaft, Getty Images / December 6, 2012) |
By Heidi Stevens, Tribune NewspapersDecember 19, 2012
Parent adviceFrom our panel of staff contributorsNot just OK, but mandatory, especially in your earshot and/or under your roof; silence can be interpreted as tacit approval. Depending on the age, you might interject with "Whoa, that's really not a nice word; you can really hurt people's feelings that way." Ratchet up as the severity or frequency if the usage continues. If the pal is older, you can explain that there are people with developmental disabilities and that holding them up to ridicule, even indirectly, is cruel. You're not really just talking to your daughter's friend; you're also letting your daughter know where you draw the line.— Phil VettelEmphasize how hurtful and cruel it is to kids who, through no fault of their own, are different. A lot of kids just go along with their peers using words like "retard" without understanding what they really mean. It's a parent's job to explain that these words — especially popular among boys are crude expressions for homosexual — aren't just silly slang. And if she continues, continue to correct her.— Ellen WarrenHaving a zero-tolerance household for slurs and other bad behavior is a good idea. We're of the mind that all of our kids' friends are welcome in our house, but when they exhibit bad behavior, we don't hesitate to correct them with the same rules we impose on our kids. It falls under the "not in my house" rule. I take the kid aside to avoid embarrassment and say something like, "Can I talk to you for a sec? We don't use that word here because it hurts people, like a punch, and we don't let stuff like that happen in our house, OK?" Then release him back into the wild.— Michael ZajakowskiExpert adviceIt's both OK and important to speak up, says family therapist Fran Walfish, author of "The Self-Aware Parent" (Palgrave MacMillan).Equally important is your tone."Your job, as the adult in the situation, is not to blame or judge or be punitive or harsh," says Walfish. "You want to have an almost benign tone of voice."This will set the stage for the little offender — and your own child — to actually hear your message, rather than bury it in a pile of embarrassed defenses."What I would say is, in a very compassionate tone, 'I get it. That's how your friends talk. But in our house we have the rule that we don't hurt each other with hands or words. Those words can be hurtful to some people, and in our house we don't take that chance,' " Walfish suggests. "Then leave it at that. Only say, 'And you're only welcome in our house when you don't use that word' if she keeps using the word over and over."If your child's friend is directing derogatory words at your child, you can alter your approach a bit to help her see the impact of her language."You position yourself as a mediator," says Walfish. "Your first question is to your own child, 'Hey, how do you feel when your friend calls you that?' You want to empower the receiver of the hostility and encourage her to tell the other child how she feels. Then you explain to the friend that in your house, it's a rule that you don't hurt each other with hands or words."Tone remains critical in both cases."You can't be sarcastic," Walfish says. "You can't be mean or seem overprotective. You're just being clear: This is how it is. That language has to stop."Have a solution? Is it OK to sneak your kids' old toys away to charity when they're not looking? Find "The Parent 'Hood" page on Facebook, where you can post your parenting questions and offer tips and solutions for others to try.
Parenting Amid the Connecticut Tragedy
Words fail. How does a parent try to explain to a child what happened at the elementary school in Connecticut yesterday. The horrific massacre is every parent's worst nightmare - unthinkable.Unless your child has been exposed to this incident - by radio, TV, or internet, there is no reason to bring it up to him. The likelihood, however, is that he heard about it in school either in a classroom discussion or overheard other kids talking about it on the playground.Begin by asking him what he heard versus shoving too much upsetting information into him. Begin by asking, "Did anything happen at school today that you want to talk about?" This open-ended question leaves the door wide open for your child to bring up anything he has on his mind.If your child says, "Did you hear what happened at the school in Connecticut?" it's best to explore what he knows. Ask him what he heard, read, or saw. Then you can start the conversation based on what he knows, answering his questions honestly, minimally, and be able to tweak and correct any misinformation to the best of your ability. The idea is to be truthful, yet not unnecessarily raise his anxiety. Say as little as possible and state the bare facts.If he asks, "What happened?", say "Some grown-ups and children were killed at a school far away from where we live."If your child asks "Why did he do that?" say, "He had a serious problem with his brain and thinking and he did a terrible thing. Just like people sometimes have problems with their bodies, like a hearing loss or a hand that doesn't work, once in a long while someone has a severe problem with his brain. The guy who did the shooting had a big problem with his brain and he did a horrible, crazy thing. But, once in a rare while someone's mind doesn't let him know what's right and what's wrong. But, this is very, very rare." If your child is older, 10 years and up, depending on his maturity level, encourage the conversation. Ask him what he thinks might have been going with someone who does something so horrific. Share the same facts about mental illness, and the rarity of the act. Not only will he share the burden of his fears with you, thereby lessening the weight on his shoulders, and you will be able to reassure him of the randomness of the act and how remote the likelihood of it happening again is. You might also consider mentioning how the media and internet bring terrible news instantly and relentlessly. Having it thrown at you constantly makes it even bigger in a child's mind. Fears of all kinds may be generated in your child. Do not try to downplay his fears. Rather, acknowledge that you understand he is frightened. Reassure him over and over that you are all safe, that this was an unusual event. It takes people, including children, time to process events like the killings in Connecticut. Don't be surprised if he continues to ask questions over and over. He is only trying to make sense of the senseless the best he can.Be careful how you talk about the events when your child may be listening. Kids hear everything and they have laser-sharp radar that zones in on your affect.
Halle Berry
I was tracked down by paparazzi shortly after my interview about Halle Berry's Thanksgiving Day drama was published by WENN. I recommended that Halle Berry help her daughter through through this no doubt traumatic time by taking her to talk with a therapist. Here's the article.
Halle Berry's four-year-old daughter should see a therapist to deal with family tensions resulting from a fight between her father and her mother's fiance, according to one of Los Angeles' top child psychologists.
On Thanksgiving Day, the actress' ex Gabriel Aubry and fiance Olivier Martinez got into a fight over custody issues, and both men were hospitalized.
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Boys and Fathers Relationships
1) Define some various relationship patterns between boys and their dad’s.
* Healthy Attachment - Dad is interested and well-engaged with his son. When Dad gazes at his son his eyes beam adoringly.* Detached Father - Father is not there. Either Dad and Mom have archaic assigned roles that Dad is the breadwinner while Mom is the primary custodial parent, or Dad's personality is limited by an inability to emotionally connect.* Unavailable Father - Dad is there but focused on other things. He is not readily available to warmly respond consistently to his son's needs.* Sports Dad - Father is intensely into sports and can only relate to his son on an athletic level, both as spectator and active participant.* Disciplinarian Father - This dad has entered into a usually unspoken agreement that Mom is the nurturer while Dad is positioned in the family as the disciplinarian. This family dynamic causes serious problems in the kids when they go through adolescence.
2) Our focus is on attachment in how it relates to child development. Can you provide examples/insight on the attachment levels between boys and dads? We would like to look at both healthy attachments and unhealthy attachments.
From birth to 12 months of age, the primary psychological goal for every boy (and girl) is bonding or developing a strong, secure, healthy attachment to Mommy. Daddy takes a backseat to Mommy during this first important phase of developing Trust and Security within the newborn infant. At age 12 months, most infants begin to stand and take their first steps. This begins and lifelong Separation Process. Age 18 months kickstarts the crucial toddler phase of development. From 18 months to 4 years of age toddlers are in Rapprochement. I believe this is the most critical stage of human development. The following crucial goals including Self-Declaration (I am "me" - not you); self-feeding; self-soothing; toilet-training; delayed gratification; frustration tolerance; language and motor skills; and sexual identification - all must be practiced and established by every child by age 4 years. Little boys are facilitated and help in both potty training and sexual/gender identification by showering/bathing with Daddy, wrestling, tossing a ball back-and-forth, and playing running, chase, and tag games. If Daddy is absent or unavailable, a warm empathic and fun uncle, grandfather, or Mom's buddy can step into this needed role. During Latency Phase (7-12 years of age), boys need their dads to rough-house, wrestle, do sports, and talk with. Teens need more of the same. Also key is that sons are carefully observing their fathers with laser-sharp radar. Dads need to know they are the model for how and what their sons will become.
3) How does over-attachment affect a child’s development? (Boys, specifically)
Over-attachment to Daddy in boys (and girls) is highly unusual. It is more common for boys to become overly-attached to their mothers. An over-attachment is unhealthy because both parent and child become too inter-dependent on each other. In worst case scenarios a Symbiotic Relationship develops in which neither child nor parent can function without the other. Parents need to understand and adopt the belief that separation, self-reliance, and independence are the goals for every child. You must praise every increment in your sons and daughters toward moving out into the world independently. If you need to hold tight to your son or daughter this is worthy of self-examination to raise your awareness and not put this onto your kids.
4) How is a child’s child development affected if there is no attachment (boys specifically)?
If there is no attachment to the father sons can find the necessary traits required for clear self-identification in another warm, empathic male who can buddy-up or mentor the boy child. If, however, there is no, or limited, attachment to the mother very serious personality/characterological problems may develop. The child is at risk of becoming a sociopath because in the early months and years he had no warmly attuned parent to consistently respond to his cries and needs. The child learns the world is not a safe place and grows to emerge without a conscience or guilt. He feels entitled to things he was gypped out of during childhood.Many boys are raised by a single mom and turn out just fine. Moms can parent effectively and well without a male partner or spouse. The key is to find the right men who will be present in the growing son's life on a consistent basis over a long period of time. Continuity is crucial to imprint the child's identity.
Raising Good Kids
DR. FRAN'S TOP TIPS FOR "RAISING GOOD KIDS"* Always be curious and open enough to look within and become more self-aware.* Be kind and nice to your child(ten).* Do not strive for perfection. Be "good enough."* Don't get caught in power struggles.* Never engage in negotiations, bargaining, or deal making.* Balance nurturing, setting limits, and holding boundaries.* Listen to your child(ten). Interpret both verbal and non-verbal cues.* Encourage healthy expression of anger.* Nurture and praise your child's incremental steps toward separation and independence.* Encourage your child's unique and individual ideas, thoughts, and opinion.* Have special time with your kids every day.* Shield your children from hearing Mom an dDad fight. Restrain the impulse and either find a private place or wait until after the kids are asleep.* Ask questions of others if you don't know what to do.* Have a weekly date night and daily talk time with your spouse/partner. The foundation of your family is built upon the bricks and mortar of your marital relationship.* Build self-esteem by using words that support and motivate with empathic attunement, rather than criticize.* Equip your child with coping skills to deal with disappointments. We cannot protect or prevent life's disappointments. The best we can do is equip our children with coping skills to deal with inevitable letdowns.
RAISING GOOD KIDS: Parenting in 3-D
When children lash out in anger after not getting their way, parents typically respond with a stern reprimand and treat their child’s outburst as “wrong” or negative. Or, a parent might succumb to his child’s bad behavior by letting her do as she pleases. According to Dr. Fran Walfish, the leading Beverly Hills child and family psychotherapist whose caring approach and innovative strategies have placed her at the forefront of her profession, “Most children lose their connection to their parents during episodes of anger. This breakdown causes children to keep secrets and hide things from their parents, ultimately creating pathways to later issues including lying, drug and alcohol use, and more.” Dr. Fran’s Parenting in 3-D methodology, which has been a transformative force in the lives of parents for the better part of two decades, provides a powerful solution for dealing with your child’s anger in a way that builds self-esteem and creates a healthy expression of all emotions at an early age. “When parents can acknowledge, invite, and openly validate angry feelings, their child becomes calm and feels accepted,” Dr. Fran adds. “This acceptance is what builds the child’s evolving self-esteem and is a prerequisite for all good relationships with peers, teachers, employers, spouses, and you, their parents.” Next time your child lashes out in anger, Dr. Fran strongly urges putting into practice her Parenting in 3-D formula: Discard the DEFENSIVE. Every parent wants to be both loved and liked by their child. Parents should understand that your child will sometimes be mad at you or reject you altogether (especially when you are asking them to stop a behavior or do something they would rather not do).This behavior is a necessary part of claiming themselves as a separate being with individual wants and wishes. Don’t undermine the boundaries you attempt to create by being defensive or giving in. Instead, take a deep breath (or two) and think before speaking. DEMONSTRATE empathy with words. In the midst of a tantrum or other exaggerated behavior, many parents refuse to accept the episode, and ignore it by stepping away until the child is ready to behave. As a result, your child may think his/her feelings are not accepted. Instead, acknowledge to your child that you understand he is disappointed and upset, and narrate verbally what your child is feeling. Say with warmth and sincerity, “I see you are angry with me, and I’m the kind of mom who really wants to hear about it right to my face. Tell me about how mad you are at me.” Also address your child’s response with empathy. For instance, with a three-year-old, you might say, “Mommy sees you are disappointed. You want more play time and now it’s bath time. You got angry at Mommy. It’s hard to stop when you want more.” Being a container for your child’s anger will help him/her view you as a person that they can confide in. It also establishes your place as a stable figure, one who will not attack, run or collapse when the going gets rough. This is very important to convey to your child as she grows and faces larger issues. DIRECTIVE-DISCIPLINE with boundaries. Talking through a situation allows your child to feel heard. However, once he understands that you acknowledge and accept his displeasure, set the boundary and follow-through by taking action and “directing” (i.e. moving your child toward his responsibility, or your command). In this case, simply walk him into the bathroom and help him into the tub. Do not over-indulge him with gadgets and gifts to compensate for his struggles. According to Dr. Fran, being a good parent requires two things to happen together: loving/nurturing your child, and at the same time, setting/holding boundaries. To love your child is only half the job; children need firm boundaries, too.
Financial Impact on Marriages
How do you keep your marriage together when you have financial problems?
Marriages require a solid foundation based on trust and open healthy communication. Flexibility is required, as well. I treat many couples in which the husband lost his job and can't find work so the couple decide to change their roles. He stays home with the kids while his wife goes to work to bring home a paycheck. Should you practice gratitude?It helps to practice gratitude and generosity. The more grateful and giving we are the more positive our attitudes and the more good things come back to us tenfold. How do you set aside your worries and still make time for romance?It's easier said than done to set aside our worries when there are real stressors including money in our lives. People are anxious, worried, and tense. It's hard to feel romantic and sexual when you are under strain. Take turns giving and receiving a relaxing message with your partner. Turn on Marvin Gaye, or Sade music, lower the lights, and pour a glass of wine. Find ways to relax together, talk together, and these will lead you toward a warm, closer connection. Should you turn to others for support and not just your partner?Absolutely, you should turn to others for support. A trusted friend, counselor, family member, priest or rabbi are often available to talk with. There are certain areas that your partner may feel too vulnerable to talk about. Get support. You may need guidance or advice from a clean-slate who is outside the line of stress. Do everything you can to nourish and nurture yourself so that you have more to give to your partner, children and family. Any other thoughts?My Top Tips are:* Be kind to your partner. How we treat our significant other sets the model for how they will treat us.* Create an open discussion. Talking is the glue that holds relationships together.* Balance love/nurture with setting/holding boundaries.* Build self-esteem by using words that support and motivate, rather than criticize.* Equip yourself with coping skills to deal with disappointment. We cannot protect or prevent life's disappointments. The best we can do is equip ourselves to deal with inevitable life letdowns.* Never engage in negotiations, bargaining, or deal-making, especially when resolving conflicts. Rather, talk about what you feel and want in the moment. This is empathy. I define “empathy" as the computer chip within our personality (character) that allows us to imagine the impact of our own behavior on others. So, this not only includes knowing how the other person feels, but also imagining and anticipating their reactions to your own behavior. People who lack this quality have a Narcissistic trait. When this dynamic is expansive in the person's overall relating to others the person may have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When two partners in a marriage negotiate, bargain, and make deals it's usually with their "own" thoughts and needs front and center. When they talk about their own needs and wants it is more honest and straightforward. When your partner expresses his needs and wants it helps if you reflect out loud what you hear him saying. He should do the same for you. This creates a feeling of mutual validation. Sometimes, a solution is not found immediately. It's okay to agree to disagree by accepting that we each have our own separate and different opinion.
Top Tips For Managing Your Temper
* Deal with your anger in the moment. The build-up and surprise factor is the scariest part for your child.
* When angry, remove yourself, take a short cool-down time, then return and deal with the situation directly and in a calm manner.* Refrain from verbal putdowns, berating, or spewing hostilities to your child (or spouse). Make this a solemn commitment.* As you recognize and accept anger as a natural, normal human emotion, accept it in your child. Invite your child to tell you about it openly.* Talk about feelings with your child. Embrace anger as just another acceptable feeling.* Set and hold boundaries matter of factly, rather than with a flurry of anger.* Work on extending your tolerance for delayed gratification. Be patient. Your child will comply only if you are supportive and on their team.* Teach your child to always tell you the truth. Assure him that you will work on not getting so angry because you love him and do not want to scare him.* Know that you are a model for your children. Your child will think, "If Daddy explodes, why shouldn't I?"* Be kind to yourself. Know this is a process, not a quick fix. Be sure to hold on to your motivation to raise happy, healthy, disciplined, loving children.
Self-Esteem
*What is your expertise and how long have you been an expert in it?
I am expert in children (ages 0-18 years), families, couples, and all relationships. I have been expert for over 25 years on clinical staff at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and in private practice.*What is self-esteem, exactly?Self-esteem as defined in Webster's dictionary means how one values or regards themselves. In my world of psychology, self-esteem is impacted by many factors. How our mothers and fathers relate to us directly impacts our sense of ourselves. For instance, if you had a father who was harshly critical of you on a repeated basis, then you (the child) take in (introject) the judgmental, harshly critical, punitive self-judge. This is one of the many dynamics that assault a person's self-esteem. If, for example, you had a loving, nurturing mother, you have a good likelihood of introjecting the loving supportive aspect of your mother which fortifies your self-esteem. Self-esteem is strengthened by our own accomplishments and achievements. A prerequisite for building a solid foundation of self-esteem is for the individual to establish their own autonomy and independence from their parents. Only after healthy separation is established can we truly begin to feel good about ourselves. How we treat other people, establishing our own careers/income, and having warm, healthy relationships are all solid contributors to our evolving self-esteem.*How does what society says is good, right, and beautiful color our self-esteem? Is this always a negative thing? Please explain.Some of the messages in our society and current culture sabotage a person's self-esteem. For instance, print magazines and the media portray beauty as being thin. Any female who had a harshly critical parent may beat herself up for not physically matching society's image of attractive. Society places too much emphasis on external beauty and not enough focus on internal beauty including character, values, morals, and the way we treat each other.*How much of self-esteem is what we have internalized from outside messages (we’ve drunk the Kool Aid), and how much of it is from what we really are and feel?I treat many patients who had "good-enough" parents. Yet, they were mistreated badly by their peers in school. They were excluded, teased, and bullied. These experiences negatively affect a person's self-esteem. Everyone wants to belong to a group. When kids are rejected by their peers these feelings of undesirability are internalized. For instance, I have treated beautiful tall, thin women who could be models. They are beautiful! Yet, in childhood they were brutally teased and called names for being too tall and too thin. Many of these women are self-conscious with low self-esteem. It doesn't match how beautiful they look on the outside because they value themselves as "less than." One can have low self-esteem in one area of their life while having high self-esteem in other areas. A person can feel genuinely great about themselves in work/career and, at the same time, feel bad about their appearance.*How do people with high self-esteem and those with low self-esteem behave differently? Does behavior function to enhance or detract from self-esteem? How so? Please explain.People with high self-esteem never brag or show-off. They are not shaken if other people disagree with their point of view. They remain clear and confident in their own ideas and opinions. They have a sturdy core and a sunny disposition. People who are angry, critical, and mean do not have high self-esteem. People with low self-esteem tend to boast and put-down others. Many people with low self-esteem apologize for their behavior when they have done nothing wrong. This is as a defense against people being angry at them. People with low self-esteem can't bear to be the target someone's anger or rage. Some people with low self-esteem look sad and walk with a low posture. These folks have chronic low self-esteem which can lead to depression, in some cases.*How do people with high self-esteem and those with low self-esteem manifest behavior in any of the same ways?Self-esteem can go in waves. Everyone feels good about themselves and sometimes bad about themselves. There are some parallels in the behaviors of people with high self-esteem and those with low self-esteem. For example, people with high self-esteem are kind and generous to others - just because that's who they are. People with low self-esteem can be observed as kind and generous to others, but it's because they want to be liked. Their behavior is the same as people with high self-esteem (who are relaxed) but their motivation is anxiety driven.*Do the people in your life affect your self-esteem? How so? Please explain and provide examples, if possible.The goal for all people is to have a solid, sturdy self-esteem that is not shaken, nor collapses, based on how people in their lives treat them. How we feel about ourselves should remain primary. This is easier said than done. When we are kind, generous, fair, and empathic to others this is the foundation of our self-esteem. Also, our own personal and professional accomplishments build upon the foundation that is established in human relatedness. Of course, all of us care deeply about the people in our lives. But, when the other person's opinion takes precedence over our own, or when we emotionally collapse under the pressure of someone else's opinion this is a problem that needs professional help to deal with.*How can someone begin to improve his/her self-esteem? Are there any easy exercises?Changing one's self-esteem requires work and a great deal of motivation. To improve your self-esteem you must first replace the harsh self-judge with a benign self-observer. The harsh self-judge is called the Superego. The person has developed too much conscience, guilt, and feeling of "I am bad." To establish a benign self-judge, you must first turn up the volume of self-awareness. Each time you notice yourself being hard or self-critical you need to gently shrug your shoulders and think, "Oops, there I go again." You are exchanged criticism with gentle acceptance. No one is perfect. You must accept yourself - flaws and all!*Can changing personal appearance in healthy ways enhance self-esteem? How so? When does it become unhealthy?Changing personal appearance in healthy ways can enhance self-esteem. For instance, if someone accepts all of who they are except for their over-sized or crooked nose, then by all means it's fine to have a nose-job (cosmetic surgery). I have known many women and some men, too, who have positively impacted their self-esteem when they corrected or improved their physical appearance. The danger or risk is with two things. First, if they only focus on their outside appearance and neglect to also work on how they feel about themselves on the inside. The second danger is if cosmetic surgery becomes an obsessive compulsive pattern. I treat some women who are addicted to going under the knife to continually change their appearance. The folks have very low self-esteem and need professional help to focus on the inside emotionally. Just remember, self-esteem emerges and builds as a process. It is not an overnight sensation. Make a lifelong commitment to be kind to yourself as well as compassionate and kind to others.
Dr. Fran's 7 Secrets of Happy Business Professionals
1. Give up trying to control other people, especially your partner.2. Praise every increment in yourself toward independence and moving outward into the world. Cherish your ability to stand on your own.3. View people as good until they demonstrate otherwise. Most people are good. Those who are not will reveal themselves in time and you can weed out the ones who are not worthy of your trust.4. Do not strive for perfection. Be "good enough."5. Build self-esteem toward self and others by using words that support and motivate with empathy, rather than criticize.6. Express your feelings in the moment. Do not allow anger and disappointment to build up inside you. Say what you feel clearly and respectfully. It will free you.7. Give yourself Special Time. Take 10-15 minutes each day to be with yourself and chill. You'd be surprised how challenging this is when you have a spouse, children, and clients tugging at you 24/7. Give yourself short, undivided, positive attention each day for nourish and fortify you.