Dr. Fran's Top 3 Things That Can Hamper a Relationship
1. Ignoring a reasonable request. After you and your partner/spouse have discussed an issue and he has expressed displeasure and irritation with one of your negative personal habit and you ignore him. Repetition of habits like leaving dirty coffee cups in your bedroom, stacking papers/boxes in your living quarters, and even leaving the cap off the toothpaste can poison a good feeling. Whatever your companion's pet peeve is, if he respectfully requests you cease and desist, listen and do it. These are the things that pile up on one's emotional complaint list and in the long run carry the weight of a one-two punch!2. Lack, or poor, communication. Implement regular face-to-face conversation. Talking is the glue that holds relationships together. We are living in fast-paced stressful times. People can get easily caught up focusing on work, finance, the kids and daily routines. This can derail concentrating on what is most valuable - your relationship and family. Over-focus will, naturally, occur periodically. But, be sure to return to regular short periods of daily dialogue, plus at least one night a week that is secured for Date Night. By the way, when couples stop talking, sex immediately follows. You'd be surprised how many young, healthy people are living in sexless marriages. Dialogue and conversation should mean each person gets a turn to talk while the other listens without interrupting. Issues, challenges, and problems do not need to be resolved. The key is the person to feel heard, validated, and accepted - flaws and all!3. Betrayal. Of course, everyone knows that infidelity hampers and is even a deal-breaker in a relationship. But, there are other kinds of betrayals. Don't make large purchases (house, expensive art work, cars) without consulting your spouse, or partner "if" your money is co-mingled first. This type of betrayal is tough on a relationship and difficult to repair. Also, don't talk to her best girlfriend and keep the content to yourself. It can form a triangle and raise all types of suspicions that push you further away from your beloved.
CREATING MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION OVER THE HOLIDAYS
We are living in a world and time of lightning speed. Our schedules are over-booked and leaving us exhausted and, at times, overwhelmed. Sadly, many of us have short-changed nourishing and nurturing meaningful relationships with those we truly care about. The divorce rate is higher now than ever - up to 50% in America and 63% in Los Angeles alone. We are raising a generation of kids who are dependent upon electronics as a means to communicate. Human to human relating has dwindled down and my large 90210 practice is filled with sexless couples who don't talk. I see a trend toward kids lacking healthy, open and honest communication skills.
Whether you get together in person or relate via Skype or telephone from hundreds to thousands of miles away, below are my suggestions for creating meaningful conversation versus surface superficial bumping up against each other. Here are my Top Tips For Nurturing Relationships During The Holidays.
1. Be curiosity. Be a "detective." Ask the other person questions that require more than a one-word answer. In other words, don't simply ask, "How are you?" You will likely get a quick response of, "Fine." As thought-provoking questions including, "Tell me how you've been spending your time"; "What are your hopes, wishes, and dreams over the next 5 years?"; "What are some of the challenges you've been up against lately?"
2. Share personal struggles. I am not suggesting that you vent or use your relatives as a receptacle or trash can. Don't dump. Be human. All of us struggle at times. When you share and expose your vulnerability the other person feels safe to do the same with you.
3. Never judge, blame, or be judgmentally opinionated. People will get defensive and immediately close up to you.
4. Always be truthful. Don't exaggerate or embellish. People want to connect with the real you.
5. Don't over exude bubbly, syrupy charm. Others will doubt your sincerity and authenticity.
6. Be sure you are in a quiet place with no distractions so you can focus on the other person.
7. Be ready to accept anything the other person says. You don't have to agree but list openly without becoming defensive.
8. Be an empathic listener. If you are shy and don't know what to say, offer compassionate reflection of what you hear the other person saying. This allows the other to feel heard, validated, and accepted - flaws and all!
Charlie Sheen's 4 year-old Twins Out-of-Control
Denise Richards wants to give up temporary custody of Charlie Sheen's "violent" 4 year-old twins, Bob and Max, for their outbursts and aggression toward her daughters and torturing the family dogs. Their mother, Brooke Meuller, has been in and out of rehab numerous times. Charlie Sheen went on-camera today making an impassioned plea to the Judge begging to stop visitation of the boys with their mother because they come home even more out of control. He added that the boys are at risk for being expelled from their school.Because this is a high-profile celebrity family the case brings to the forefront the issue that children pay the highest price in divorce. These young children need to be evaluated and treated in child play therapy. A well-trained child development psychologist needs to get to the bottom root cause of the kids' anger and acting-out. Are they reacting to a poor model of parental yelling and chaos? Are they confused because they are no longer living with their biological mother or father? Or, is it simply a case of what I term "covert deprivation" which occurs in privileged, affluent families who have the financial means to provide the best of everything but deprive the children of basic emotional nurturing and boundaries. Ahh…..boundaries. Clearly, no one knows how to stop these 4 year-olds from hurting people and animals. They are 4! No adult in their lives seems to understand or know how to contain a preschooler's rage. This can be taught. At age 4, children have just rounded out the toddler phase of development. It is normal for toddlers to be physical and aggressive before they have mastered language skills and reasoning. They also have not yet developed a ceiling cap to hold powerful feelings. This is why toddlers need close supportively guiding supervision. When they test the waters a loving parent should be there to direct the child to appropriate behavior. The Sheen twins are in crisis. Their home and school situations are tenuous. I certainly hope the Judge will order child therapy for Bob and Max. At age 4, these boys are still emotionally pliable. Early intervention can only lead to a more positive outcome.
Dr. Fran's Top 10 Tips For Managing Your Temper
- Deal with your anger in the moment. The build-up and surprise factor is the scariest part for your child.
- When angry, remove yourself, take a short cool-down time, then return and deal with the situation directly and in a calm manner.
- Refrain from verbal putdowns, berating, or spewing hostilities to your child (or spouse). Make this a solemn commitment.
- As you recognize and accept anger as a natural, normal human emotion, accept it in your child. Invite your child to tell you about it openly.
- Talk about feelings with your child. Embrace anger as just another acceptable feeling.
- Set and hold boundaries matter of factly, rather than with a flurry of anger.
- Work on extending your tolerance for delayed gratification. Be patient. Your child will comply only if you are supportive and on their team.
- Teach your child to always tell you the truth. Assure him that you will work on not getting so angry because you love him and do not want to scare him.
- Know that you are a model for your children. Your child will think, "If Daddy explodes, why shouldn't I?"
10. Be kind to yourself. Know this is a process, not a quick fix. Be sure to hold on to your motivation to raise happy, healthy, disciplined, loving children.
Excerpt from Dr. Fran Walfish interview in Forbes magazine 9/20/13
Why Paying for My Daughter’s College Is My Ultimate Life GoalThis desire to give your children as much as possible is something Dr. Fran Walfish, a child and family psychologist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child,” sees often. She explains that the parent-child dynamic has changed even in the past generation or two. “ I think parents are inclined to put their children first because they’re so desperate today to have their kids like them; they cannot bear to have their children angry at them,” she says of the helicopter-parent generation. “Some parents are just generally selfless, but we are living in the generation of entitlement. Grown young adults have an expectation that they deserve and should be given to, and think they have the ability to convince their parents to give in.”Dr. Walfish finds that kids whose parents can’t or won’t help them beyond a certain point take more responsibility for themselves. “I think that kids whose parents can’t afford to help them turn out O.K.,” she muses. “Those kids are forced to tap into their own resources—not just financial, but also emotional—to find ways of generating their own income. In the end it’s better for them.”
Preschool Drop-Off
Separation Anxiety in a child is almost never exclusive. Parents have an emotional reaction and it's usually strong. Most parents react with a flood of their own anxiety. I define anxiety as fear. The child fears being alone separate from Mommy, and Mommy fears whether child can make it on his own without her. It's an anxious circle. Some parents react with frustration and anger toward the child. The parent, in this case, has a resistance to dependency needs usually rooted in poor handling of the Separation Process during their own toddlerhood.
-Is there anything wrong with constantly checking up on your child? Yes, you risk the reciprocity of your child "checking" on you constantly. No child is ready to be left at preschool without Mommy present until at least the age of 2 years and 9 months. After that, age is no longer the issue. The key issue is how Mommy and the teachers deal with the Separation Process. Moms should NEVER be ripped away abruptly from their child. It can take up to 10 weeks for a child to fully be ready to be left at school without her mother.The best way to handle the Separation Process is to begin by Mommy going to school with her child and sitting next to him. She should not interact with him in games and toys, but rather be there available as a safety net in the event that he needs company. Mom should work hard to develop a warm relationship between her child and the teacher. This is crucial so that the child learns to reach out to the teacher when Mommy is not there. Then after at least a week, as the child appears to be comfortably engaged with activities Mommy should sit in a chair against the wall of the classroom so the child can come and go to her, as needed. This period can take weeks until the child feels secure enough to let Mommy leave. The next step is to try having Mommy leave the classroom to go to the bathroom and return immediately. Always, go to your child and tell her in advance you are leaving to go the bathroom. Then, return within a few short minutes to demonstrate that you deliver on your word. This enhances your child's ability to trust you. As she becomes comfortable with this phase, Mommy can try leaving to get a couple of coffee down the street and then returning in 45 minutes. It is extremely helpful for moms to develop a team approach with their child's teacher. This way the teacher can give cues and directions to Mom while Mommy can feel safe and confident that her child will be well cared for when she is not there.The exceptions to the above plan are children who suffered a traumatic event in their young lives including a death in the family, hospitalization or surgery.The way parents handle their child's separation and first preschool experience lays the bricks and mortar foundation for the child dealing with all life separations to come. -Why is it important for parents not to give up on bringing the child to preschool if she or he is always upset? If your child is under 2 years and 9 months do not even try to leave her alone without Mommy or Daddy. After 2.9 years, hand in and follow my suggestions in Answer #2. This will bolster your child with coping skills to deal with future frustrations, disappointments, and separations. Every time you allow your child struggle just a bit it empowers them with better coping skills to deal the next time around.-Is it damaging to a child to be left crying at preschool?It is damaging to a child to be left crying at preschool without a warm, nurturing teacher or supportive adult available to be a source of comfort to the child. Usually, the company of a kind, loving preschool can direct a child to engage in fun activities, narrate the child's feelings, and facilitate interactive play with other children. This helps the child separate from Mommy and find her place in the preschool classroom. If the child is left alone crying at preschool, which I have sadly observed on rare occasion, this can damage and scar the child for many years to come.In general, it is best to not leave your child(ren) crying under 2.9 years unless he or she is with a well-attached warm, nurturing person the child knows and has a relationship with (ie: Grandma, Nanny, Auntie, or Uncle). The reason is that it takes months to years of the child practicing back and forth rhythmic movement between attachment and separation from Mommy before the child internalizes the security of knowing that when Mommy goes away she always comes back. It is a belief system that is required in all human-beings and can only be established with consistent responses by the primary caregiving person - usually Mommy.That said, one singular time or event of leaving your child crying will likely not damage him. But, more than once become a real interruption in the continuity that children require.
Sexting and Anthony Weiner
As an experienced psychotherapist, I now have seen enough evidence to confidently declare that Anthony Weiner has serious personality and character problems that are indelibly in him. No amount of therapy can fix a person who refuses to take responsibility and be accountable for their actions. There are many different ways to say "I'm sorry" but the only way that counts is that in which the person really means it. That said, people want to understand why Mr. Weiner's wife stays with him. There are a few ways to begin to bring meaning to her decision. Some women need the "family" to stay together. Family carries a strong value and weight perhaps because there was divorce, chaos, and turbulence in their families of origin. They can't bear to lose the other parent, the foundation of the family. Other women may be in denial wishing and hoping that "this time" my man will get it together and walk the straight and narrow. Whatever the personal reasons are for Huma Abedin, it is important for us to remain open-minded and non-judgmental. No one really knows what goes on in their personal lives except for those two people living in their home.A person who can't get enough of sexting has a complicated personality. First, he is a Narcissist in that his pleasure comes first; he lacks the component in his personality that can imagine the impact of his own behavior on others; and his grandiose belief that he can and will get away with the secrecy. Sexting counts as cheating because the wife feels betrayed and violated. If you discover your partner is sexting other women online confront him. If he lies, denies, or blames you for invading his privacy you can be sure there is more trouble ahead. If he owns up to his misgivings and shows genuine remorse, regret, and begs to get help then you've got a shot for a future. Women, try to be painfully honest with yourselves whether this is a one-time failing or if this is a pattern. I am currently treating a couple in which the man is a serial sexting/cheater. His lady is hurt and angry each time she catches him. But, she continues to go back and give him another chance. It has become vicious cycle. This cycle will be very difficult to break since both partners are rigidly invested in keeping things status quo.
On Sibling Bullying and a Cheating Husband, Father
Q. Dear Dr. Fran, my wife and I have five children–ages 5 to 13 years-old. Our oldest boy is extremely aggressive and seems to be taking his anger out on his 5-year-old brother. My wife thinks it’s no big deal just normal brotherly roughhousing. I am concerned. The 5-year-old is small and cannot defend himself. I work full time and my wife is a part-time teacher. Do you think I am over-reacting or do we have a real problem with our oldest and youngest boys? Simon U.A. Dear Simon: a new study out this week in the Journal Of Pediatrics addresses the findings from a national survey of children and their caregivers. It found that, just like bullying by peers, bullying by siblings causes significant mental distress and worsens the victims’ emotional health.Bottom line: The authors concluded that parents, pediatricians and the public should treat sibling aggression as potentially harmful, and not dismiss it as normal, minor, or even beneficial, and this message should be included in parenting education.Simon, you need to take your gut intuition seriously. There is a power differential between a 5-year-old and a 13- year-old. If you allow the little one to get pummeled he is likely to either become depressed or go to school and find a smaller child to displace his anger on.Talk to your wife and get a consultation from a qualified family therapist. Below are some of the warning signs of sibling bullying and steps parents can take to deal with it.• Child has expressed fear of being alone with sibling.• Parent has seen bruises and marks on the child (victim).• Powerful jealousy and hostilities have been repeatedly verbalized by the aggressor.• Aggressor has a fascination with fire or hurting animals. This is a precursor to developing a more serious personality disorder called sociopath.Steps Parents Can Take To Address It:1) Have an open family discussion about equal love for each of your children and establish zero-tolerance for hurting each other with our hands or our words.2) Define acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your family.3) Set clear firm rules and consequences for unacceptable behavior.4) Establish special time with each child individually to build upon trust and bonding. This also helps diminish sibling jealousy and rivalry. Q. Dear Dr. Fran, I think my husband of eight years is cheating on me. We have three children who are 8 and 4 years, and a six-month old baby. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I am not worried about money. I am scared to be a single mom and am angry, hurt, sad and feel deeply betrayed. I don’t know what to do or where to start. Please help me! Janet L.A. Dear Janet: this is a really rough one. You need to confront your husband and let him know you are onto his shenanigans. His reaction and response will be your first indicator of how this scenario will play out.What you want is for him to admit his mistake, feel/show genuine remorse, give you his word he will stop cheating for good immediately, and do his best to make it up to you.If, on the other hand, you bump into his defensive denial and resistance to be accountable, then you have an even greater problem because he is likely to repeat the offense.This is too big for you to deal with on your own. You need the support and guidance of a caring, skilled therapist as you move through this terribly painful experience.If your husband refuses to attend therapy and take responsibility for his actions then I strongly recommend you get a consultation from an experienced family law attorney to understand your financial and custodial rights in the event of dissolution of your marriage.
Psychotherapist DR. FRAN WALFISH weighs in on Paris Jackson on WENN
Got Wedding Envy? When To Talk With Your Partner About Marriage
It's that time of year.
The photo albums from the bridal showers. The lovey-dovey status updates. Wedding season has taken over your Facebook page.And while your friends may be entering a new blissful stage in life, things have remained the same between you and your beau. Does this mean you should be hurrying to walk down the aisle or is your relationship headed to Splitsville, population you?READ: Is Your Relationship an Online Overshare?As it turns out, you may be experiencing a very common dilemma thanks to social media.“’Wedding envy’ is definitely a phenomenon that exists,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent.” “You may occasionally hear of a cluster of friends getting engaged around the same time, and even scheduling wedding dates in close proximity. This is because many young women can’t bear the feeling of being ‘left out.’”Experiencing jealousy after witnesses your friends’ blossoming love lives on Facebook isn’t a new concept. In a recent study conducted by two German universities, it was reported that one in three people felt more dissatisfied with their lives after browsing the world’s largest social networking site. Relationship success was recognized as the third most envy-causing incident. And with the warmer summer months comes wedding season, which means many women in relationships are likely to fall prey to such a phenomenon.However, experts advise thinking twice before discussing this social media-induced marriage itch with your significant other.“Wanting to get married is basic, but it doesn’t mean you are with the right person or that you are both ready,” says Nina Atwood, dating coach and author of "Temptations of the Single Girl." “You are ready for marriage when you have spent enough time together to know exactly who you are getting, warts and all. The other thing is what makes you compatible or not, such as religion, children and finances. When you have acceptance, plus you are aligned on your core values, you are ready to marry.”READ: 'Will You Marry Me?' There's an App for ThatAccording to psychologist Karen Sherman, seething in resentment is not only unhealthy, it can quickly strain an otherwise stress-free relationship.“I think it’s dangerous to be tempted to get married because you get the itch based on social media,” says Sherman. “Based on social comparison theory, we look to others to see how we’re doing. Social media certainly makes it easier to do this. But the decision to marry is a serious commitment and one that should not be entered just because everyone else has done so. For all you know, others who are announcing their plans have been influenced by other social media postings!”Dr. Walfish adds that focusing on your relationship reality is far more important than what trying to keep up with your friends.“Don’t talk with your man until you are crystal clear on your goals and expectations,” she says. “Then share them with your partner. Listen to his. It’s also very important to examine how as a couple you resolve conflicts. You don’t always have to agree, but you must be able to bear differences with mutual respect.”READ: How Facebook Hurts Your RelationshipAnother way to deal with wedding envy? Chill out.“Be careful you don’t let it impact your relationship with your guy,” says Atwood. “He will probably not understand it and will only feel pressured. The very best proposal is when he initiates it instead of you pressuring him to do it sooner than he is ready. I say talk it out with your friends first, let it go and relax.”Read more: http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/got-wedding-envy-when-talk-your-partner-about-marriage#ixzz2VJT8n9xI
Challenges Parents Face
Here are my top eight most difficult milestones every parent must face. Each one is critical. You will likely transition through each one by holding your spouse/partner's hand and using trial and error.If you bump up against a wall in one of these areas please reach out to a child development specialist or psychologist for guidance. Fasten your seat belts and away you go.The Eight Most Challenging Things Parents Face:1) Teaching their infant to self-soothe and sleep through the night.2) Responding to their toddler’s declaration of separation and autonomy with compassion and empathy. This declaration includes the toddler saying “no;” temper tantrums; and defiant behaviors.3) Equipping their child with coping skills to deal with disappointments.4) Tolerating being the target of their child’s anger and rage.5) Dealing with their child pitting Daddy against Mommy for things the child wants-demands.6) Being on the same page as their spouse regarding discipline and follow-through with consequences.7) Letting go of their teenage children by rewarding responsible behavior with more independence and freedom.8) Not intruding on their adult child’s life. Respecting separation and boundaries.
Five Reasons Why Cuddling Is Good For Couples
Q. Dear Dr. Fran, my husband stiffens and freezes every time I initiate hugging. The only time he is willing to snuggle is if it is foreplay that leads to sexual intercourse. I can’t help but feel rejected. What should I do to fix this? Marilyn H. A. Dear Marilyn, I can understand you feeling rejected. Your husband has difficulty with intimacy. This is not a sexual problem. It is one of closeness and attachment that probably stems from the kind of attachment he had to his mother and father.Each one of us has a comfort zone regarding closeness to other people. That includes a spouse and even children.Have a dialogue with your husband. Sometimes, bringing the issue out into the open can clear a pathway toward warmer closeness and intimacy.Here are five reasons why cuddling is good for couples. If after talking with your husband things don’t improve, reach out to a qualified couples therapist to determine if individual or couples therapy is indicated.• Reason 1: It Feels GoodCuddling releases oxytocin, which is also known as the feel-good hormone. It increases overall happy feeling.Cuddling can also release endorphins, which is the chemical released after a good workout or when you eat chocolate which contributes to that great feeling.• Reason 2: It Makes You Feel SexyThe most obvious benefit to cuddling is getting close to your partner in the physical sense. There is also the release of dopamine, which is an excitatory hormone that increases sexual desire.• Reason 3: It Reduces Stress and Blood PressureHugging, kissing, or more physical acts of touch increases oxytocin levels, which is a “bonding”’ hormone—this chemical reaction can help reduce blood pressure, which in turn reduces the risk of heart disease, but it can also help to reduce stress and anxiety.• Reason 4: It Bonds Women with Babies and PartnersCuddling is healthy for people because of the obvious factor of emotional attachment.Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that is closely linked to childbirth and breastfeeding, and a recent study shows it has a biological role in bonding between mother and baby.The study, led by Lane Strathearn, an assistant professor of pediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine, shows that women raised with insecure attachment themselves are more likely to have difficulty forming secure attachments with their children (and partners).”It’s healthy to want to be close. Too little or too much is not good. Observe and explore your own personal comfort zone. You will be a better communicator with your partner on how much feels good and when it gets too close for comfort. Your goal is to find a balance between your comfort zone and needs along with your partner’s.• Reason 5: It Helps You Communicate BetterMost people want to feel understood, and communication is the vehicle by which they transmit understanding and empathy. Non-verbal communication can be a powerful way to say to your partner, “I get you.” Cuddling is a way of saying, “I know how you feel.” It allows us to feel known by our partner in ways that words can’t convey.The Beverly Hills Courier, May 10, 2013
"Top 7 Things Never To Say To A Grandmother"
• “You do so much for them, they must want to be with you all the time.”This is hurtful because no child wants to be with their grandparents all the time.• “If you really want a relationship with your grandchildren go to their Facebook page.”This comment can render a grandparent helpless since many do not know how to use Facebook.• “How can you let him talk disrespectfully to you…you’re his grandmother.”Behavioral management of children lies primarily in the hands of parents, not grandparents. Every child is on a learning curve. Some kids are still learning to inhibit disrespectful impulses. It’s not grandma’s fault.• “Your grandkids are so wild, don’t their parents teach them how to behave?”This type of comment is a direct criticism about your children’s parenting skills. It’s an insult to grandma, too.• “You’re go good to your grandchildren. Enjoy them while you can because you know how teenagers only want to be with their friends.”This is a particularly hurtful statement because it triggers unnecessary separation anxiety in grandma. Enjoy today…why worry about tomorrow.• “Do you go to all their basketball games?…they may not always want a big cheering section.”Many grandparents reap pleasure from watching their grandchildren compete in sports. It’s mean to imply the kids may not always want grandma there. It’s also none of their bee’s wax.• “Mother’s Day is coming…they better honor you as you deserve.”This may be insensitive because it implies you give to your kids and grandkids with an expectation of something in return.Also, many young families mark Mother’s Day by making mommy feel special and honored. Grandmothers often take a backseat to mothers. If they don’t make a big deal over grandma this comment may rub it in.Happy early Mother’s Day, moms and grandmas!
Ask A Private School Admissions Expert: Dr. Fran Walfish
How do I get my overachieving nine-year-old to relax?
My daughter remembered that she forgot to do her homework while brushing her teeth for bed. I said not to worry and that she could do it then. She starting crying and saying that she does everything wrong (her automatic response when anything goes wrong). Two days ago she got an 88 on a math quiz and started crying because she thought she was a failure, even though I told her I was still proud. I have never EVER put any emphasis on her grades, nor have I EVER expected perfection from her. Help!
Parenting Things I Wish I Knew Sooner
1. How do you deal with separation anxiety?Dr. Fran: Separation anxiety comes from two root causes. One, either the parent (usually Mom) is over attached and does not nurture the separation process. Or two, mom or dad is “there” but isn’t accessible (detached or distracted) to the child so he or she feels emptiness. Mom needs to know she is okay without her baby and the child needs to know he or she is okay without mom.2. How do you learn to pick your battles when it comes to food?Dr. Fran: Never fight with your kids about what goes into their bodies or what comes out. I cannot tell you how many parents get stuck in two developmentally crucial areas – eating and pooping. (That’s why) girls get stuck with eating disorders and the boys get stuck in the pooping disorders. They are both anxiety based but quickly become control issues where the kid feels over controlled by the parent and, in the end, those are two body function control areas that the parent cannot win.3. How do you manage your own fatigue?Dr. Fran: Be sure to nourish and fortify yourself with individual time. Take a walk, listen to music, sit with your feet up and read a magazine. Do whatever makes you feel good and nourishes you. Get enough sleep, eat well, and have a confidant to talk to who will listen empathically without judgment. You need a person to talk to also.4. How do you strike a balance between your child’s personality and your own expectations?Dr. Fran: Every child is an individual and unique and parents need to adjust their expectations to each child’s capacity. For instance, if you have a kid with learning disabilities and fine motor weakness, your expectation of him doing handwriting work may be different from one of the kids who may not have the same weakness. You’ve got to adjust. Don’t expect your kid to do the adjusting, it’s the parent who needs to do the adjusting first and then your child will come to you to meet you in the middle.5. Being a parent is, perhaps, the most difficult job in the world. Why do we do this?Dr. Fran: In the unconscious mind there’s probably some thought about survival of the species. I really think, though, most people want to turn the clock around and “do it right this time.” They are trying to correct the wrongs that were done to them by their parents. Sadly, they either unconsciously repeat it without having walked that self-examination path or – the mistakes that were done to them they fix – but they make new ones that they regret. The answer to doing it right is a lot of work on one’s self. The better we know ourselves the better we can impart clearer messages to children.
How To Be A Good Parent
1. What do you do if you find that you sometimes don’t like your child?FW: Find some areas where you can empathize and identify with your child. Every child wants to feel understood. Sometimes parents see things in their children that remind them of themselves. You have to recognize this and accept your children, flaws and all.2. How do you make sure both parents are on the same page?FW: It’s common for moms and dads not to be on the same page. That old saying “opposites attract” applies to parenting too. Mom and dad might have different temperaments so you’ll need to find ways to have open and honest communication with your spouse. You need to talk about your shared values such as, “What do you value in people and in our families.” Talk about what you want to teach your kids. The likelihood is that you’ll have shared values like treating each other with kindness, and don’t hurt each other with our hands or our words. When you begin with shared values you can springboard to create mutually comfortable strategies for how to teach the children.3. How do you teach your children boundaries?FW: Each parent needs to balance two things at the same time. First, love and nurture. Second, setting and holding boundaries. Most of the parents I know are good at the first one and fall down somewhere in the boundaries. Where they fall down on boundaries is the follow through on taking action. Sometimes what you need to do is to take action that will trigger a temper tantrum (like turning off the TV) then empathically say, “I know it’s hard to stop doing something that’s fun” and then put your arms around your child to show empathy and help them settle down from the tantrum that just erupted while maintaining the boundaries.4. How do you teach your child to self-soothe?FW: Self-soothing begins at birth. What I suggest to moms, especially those who are breast feeding, is when you put the baby down to sleep, gently arouse the baby until they make eye contact and let the baby wrestle with the tossing and turning until they find that comfortable spot to go to sleep. The baby will find her thumb, a soft blanket or something that will help in the self-soothing process.5. How do you determine what’s appropriate autonomy and when?FW: It’s healthy for parents to develop their children’s autonomy and independence. Parents should reward every increment in your child’s autonomy and self-reliance with increments of more freedom and independence. Your child may, for example, want to go to the mall with his or her friends. Your child must demonstrate that they have the discipline to go to the mall responsibly by doing other things such as their homework, chores, always telling the parents the truth, and those behaviors get rewarded with allowing him or her the chance to go to the mall.AsianParent.com Malaysia edition.
Aging Parents: Family Feuds Over Care: Where's the brother-sister love?
Remember the old family feuds over who got the bigger piece of cake or who got to play with the Legos? Ah, brother-sister love.The stakes are higher when it comes to disagreements over caring for aging parents.
Is pulling down Mom's PJs a joke, or should it be taken more seriously?
My eight-year-old girl sometimes pulls down my pjs when I'm getting ready. The other day, she did it in the kitchen, where we have lots of windows! My husband scolded her, sent her to take a shower, and said "Mommy is not your friend, don't ever do that again." Then told me, "You're not her friend, act like her mother. Ask your mother or any other mother if they would allow this." She told me she was just trying to make me laugh. How do I handle this behavior and frankly, my husband?
Alec Baldwin to Be Old Dad, Perhaps a Better Parent
At 60, Arthur Schwartz sees many of his college friends talking about retirement and grandchildren, but he is energetically immersed in the busy lives of his two young daughters, aged 9 and 7."I hang out at school with parents in their 30s," he said. "It changes your perspective on life.This is round two for Schwartz, a New York City lawyer who has adult children from a first marriage and two more with a much younger wife.However, becoming a father in his 50s, he now enjoys the patience and perspective of maturity.See Photos of the Oldest Celebrity Dads"It was different, for sure," Schwartz said about raising his first family, a 25-year-old son and a 22-year-old daughter, when he was in his 30s."I didn't spend enough time with the older ones," he said. "I worked until 8 or 9 at night. ... I worked one day a weekend and sometimes two."It's also take two for comic actor Alec Baldwin. Just this week, at 54, the same age as Schwartz when he started a family anew, Baldwin announced to the TV show "Extra" that his 28-year-old wife, Hilaria Baldwin, is expecting their first child.Schwartz said his reaction to Baldwin's news was, "Good for him, but he better slow down and make time for [the baby] -- and don't run for [New York City] mayor."Baldwin has a 17-year-old daughter, Ireland, with his first wife, Kim Basinger.
He once had a strained relationship with his daughter. In a 2007 voicemail, he famously called Ireland "a rude, thoughtless, little pig.""Alec Baldwin is getting second chance in life to do it right this time," said Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of "The Self-Aware Parent."Other celebrities, like 68-year-old Michael Douglas, have publicly said they made better fathers later in life. His 34-year-old son, Cameron, from a first marriage, has struggled with drug abuse. But today, Douglas reportedly enjoys a close relationship with his children with Catherine Zeta-Jones -- Dylan, 12, and Carys, 9.Men with younger children say it keeps them "feeling young, alive, and mortal," said Walfish. "It is a distorted belief that, unconsciously, is an antidote to fear of dying. Having a younger woman and kids keeps the lid on their anxiety about their demise."But on the positive side, older men in second marriages often make better parents.http://abcnews.go.com/Health/alec-baldwin-wife-pregnant-fatherhood-time/story?id=18494143